


Coming Clean

by rennerfan_1



Category: Jeremy Renner - Fandom
Genre: F/M, M/M, The Bourne Legacy - Freeform, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-01-07 00:05:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 64,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1113124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rennerfan_1/pseuds/rennerfan_1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when who you think you are comes into doubt? What happens when the doubts flood in and no one is there to catch your fall? How does Jeremy Renner deal with Coming Clean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I would love some honest feedback, guys. This is my new baby and I'm excited to share this with you. 
> 
> This fic is by no means a slash fic or involves scenes of a sexual nature, but concentrating on the pressure the media and people in society have on a person. This is in no way meant to rumour that JR is gay or bisexual, but a work of creative writing and his business is his business and as a fan I respect that. This isn't meant to be upset anyone or add speculation to media rumours. It's all "make believe"

As the director yells cut, members of the crew quickly surround Jeremy with heavy coats and blankets. He has just finished a hard scene in the icy, frigid waters of Vancouver and jumps around to try and warm himself up. His heart is hammering in his chest and every inch of his body had been screaming at him, telling him to get out of the water.   
As Jeremy's teeth chatter together, he wraps the thick coat tighter around himself and approaches the director who is watching the recorded scene. 

He can't help but smile at the work and his teeth resume chattering together.

"Looks authentic." One of the crew members says and hands him a hot cup of coffee.

"Thanks" Jeremy answers, taking a sip."And it's authentic because it's below freezing. Why did I let you guys talk me into this?"

"You did refuse the stunt double" Tony Gilroy, the director says.

"And let those guys have all the fun? Don't think so." Jeremy replies with a chuckle and he's never been so glad for the set to wrap up for the day.

He declines being checked over by a medic and pulls on a thick sweater, jumping into one of the 4x4's and turning up the heating as he rubs his hands together. Jeremy is pretty please with the last stunt of the day and he could just imagine his wife's fretting down the phone. He had met Kathleen for the first time after he had finished filming Dahmer and the therapy begun, but after eighteen months it came to a halt. Jeremy was simply attracted to Kathleen and he had to end their professional relationship and six months after that, while seeing one of her colleagues he worked up the courage to ask her to coffee and the rest is history. Nine years later, they are married and expecting their first child. 

He smiles to himself as he thinks about the scan pictures, finally warming up as one of the crew members gets in the driver's side to take him back to the hotel. It's a forty minute journey and Jeremy strips off and takes a hot shower, glad to have the feeling back in his extremities. 

Now warmly dressed in a sweater and jeans, he makes himself a hot drink and settles down on the sofa to enjoy it. As if on queue, his cell phone starts to ring and he checks the caller display with a huge grin.

"Hey, mama" 

"Hi, baby." His wife, Kathleen greets him warmly."How's the shoot going?"

Jeremy gets himself comfortable, knowing that he and Kathleen can spend hours on the phone.

"It wasn't too bad. Listen, you probably should hear this from me. I did a stunt that you're not going to like."

"Nothing phases me anymore." She giggles softly."What was the stunt?"

"I had to swim in this lake."

"A lake in Vancouver?" She asks and he confirms it."It must have been below freezing! Did you get checked out by the first aider?"

"Katy, I'm just fine. It's done wonders for my skin, but I did have icicles stuck in my beard."

Kathleen giggles on the other end of the phone and he misses her terribly and she misses him just as much. 

"I miss you, Jeremy." 

"I miss you too, mama" He answers."I wish I had a break so I could come back and see you."

"I could always fly out there and-"

"No way" He cuts in and chuckles."You know it's not good for you to fly."

"Jeremy, I'm pregnant. I've not got some contagious disease."

"I know, I'm sorry." He sighs softly."I just don't want you or the baby being put under too much stress. Speaking of stress, have you talked to Colin about your maternity leave?"

"We've already been through this and I'm working right up until I go in labour."

"I thought maybe you had slept on it a bit more." Jeremy answers.

"If I took early maternity leave it would mean spending less time with the baby afterwards and we know how crazy your schedule is."

He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, desperate to shave off the beard that is starting to itch.

"I'll call Joel tomorrow and get him to cancel the next few projects."

"Don't even think about it" Kathleen scolds him."You've been working too hard to turn them down and they are good opportunities."

"There's going to be other opportunities, mama."

"And these future projects are great opportunities." She counters."Jeremy, you've been working so hard for so long in this business and it's about time you had a major project every year. This is your chance to prove to everyone who said you wouldn't get as far as this wrong."

Jeremy let's out a hearty laugh and shakes his head, smiling at the way she knows how to get him to change his mind.

"Alright, you win. So, how are you feeling anyway?" He asks.

"I knew I would get you to reconsider. Well, our baby likes using my bladder as a football."

"Better you than me, mama" He grins, laughing softly."I can't wait to see you."

"And you will in a few more weeks. Oh damn, there's the door. I'll text you later."

"I love you, Katy." He says into the phone.

"I love you too. Get some rest."

Jeremy ends the call with an enormous sigh and frowns into his cup of cold coffee. He misses Kathleen like crazy and it's going to be even worse when the baby arrives. He feels guilty about working away so much, especially with Kathleen being pregnant and he knows there are going to be times when he won't see his baby for weeks at a time. Several times he's mentioned about throwing in the towel, becoming a full time dad and Kathleen has been the one to verbally knock some sense into him.   
Jeremy's stomach rumbles and he checks the time, a late dinner in the function suite for the cast and crew is exactly what he needs along with a good hot meal. He leaves behind his doubts and muddling thoughts as he goes downstairs to dinner.

***  
After a truly filling meal, Jeremy and a few others take full advantage of the comfortable bar area and converse about the day over a drink. In the last few weeks, Jeremy had found himself taking one of the young crew members under his wing. Tyler Kennedy is an ambitious twenty-four year old who is studying film making at UCLA and is an aspiring actor, or at least that's part of his plan while he does an internship with the company. While Tyler learns, he is also working with the lighting and general construction and running of the film behind the scenes. 

Jeremy calls Tyler over and they start discussing the day's stunts.

"I wouldn't have the balls to do it." Tyler says with a laugh. "How bad was it?"

"It was the worst thing I've ever felt." Jeremy answers and lights up a cigarette."Imagine like the worst brain freeze ever and multiply it by a billion."

"Really that bad?" Dan, another crew member asks as he shakes his head.

"I actually thought I was going to have a heart attack. I've never wanted a stunt to be over so quick before."

"Then why did you do it?" Tyler asks curiously.

"It was an experience. Another way of getting into that mind-set that you are actually freezing." Jeremy answers honestly, explaining as he talks with his hands."I don't think it would have looked as real to be just hosed down."

"You're crazy!" Tyler laughs."I hope I never have to do anything as messed up as that."

"Don't worry, kid. When your time comes, everything will have moved on by then and you won't have to freeze to death."

"You're jumping out of a tree tomorrow, right?" The young man asks.

"I was trying to forget that part. So, how come you aren't out with the rest of the crew and sitting here like an old man?"

Tyler takes a sip of his beer and laughs. He looks up to Jeremy because he doesn't act like he's anymore special than anyone else, praising people for doing a good job and always modest. But importantly, Jeremy's trying to help him progress and take opportunities with both hands.

"Loud bar's isn't my scene. There used to be a great bar over in West Hollywood, but the owner ran off with the profits."

"Yeah, I remember reading that in the paper." Jeremy answers as he reaches for his drink."The guy ran off with nearly half a million."

"He will be long gone."

"I wouldn't blame him for leaving town." The forty-plus actor answers."A lot of the profits got shared out amongst his partners. He's not just stolen the money from the customers, but people who maybe depended on that money."

"It must be great to earn money like you guys."

"What?" Jeremy chuckles."All the bills and stuff? You're better off staying with your buddy."

"I guess so."

Jeremy yawns and finishes his glass of wine, opening his eyes wide before yawning again.

"I'll see you tomorrow, kid. This old man needs his beauty sleep."

Tyler bids his mentor a good night and Jeremy goes back to his suite for a well deserved night's sleep, preparing himself for the next day.


	2. Becoming a Teache

Jumping from one tree to another had sounded like a great idea on paper, but it wasn't until Jeremy found himself in a tree the doubts started to grow in his mind. Thankfully, he had managed the stunt without almost killing himself and that deserved a much needed reward of a cigarette and a coffee. Already he is exhausted from the long days and very strenuous activities, despite being physically in shape and it's more that his mind is tired than his body. The coffee is strong and exactly what he needs as Tyler strolls over with a coil of cables around his arm. Instantly Jeremy can tell something is bothering him.

"You don't look so happy. What's up?"

"It's nothing." Tyler answers with a sigh, wiping his red nose on the back of his gloved hand.

"Sure, and pigs fly. Come on, spill."

"Alright, okay." The younger man   
huffs and pulls out a crumpled letter from his jacket pocket.

Jeremy takes the piece of paper with curiosity and reads it, his eyes widening and he whistles with a   
shake of his head.

"When did you audition for this?" Jeremy asks as he hands it back.

"The week before I came out here   
and I was stupid to think I could get it. Look at the feedback."

"Isn't the most constructive I've seen." He agrees."But you've got to start somewhere."

"How can I start somewhere when no one will give me a chance to show them what I can do? And all three on the panel agreed that I don't have any talent. Another dream up in smoke."

"It's not up in smoke." Jeremy protests sympathetically."I think you just need a push in the right direction, a helping hand."

"And whose going to do that?"

"I am" He smiles and takes a final drag on his cigarette."I might not be able to get you all the parts of your dreams, but I can help you work on what the panel said is your weaknesses. So, how does that sound?"

"Do you really mean it?" 

"Yeah, I do." Jeremy answers."You're a good kid. You've got talent and you've got passion. That's enough with a bit of practice and hard work. Come up to my room around eight and I'll give you a crash course."

"Gee, thanks. I thought it was all over."

"Remember that it's never over until the fat lady sings and she hasn't even thought about singing yet." He slaps Tyler playfully on the back as the producer calls out for the next scene."See you later."

 

Tyler can't quite believe his luck at the opportunity of the famous Jeremy Renner taking some time out of his schedule to help him. He wants to desperately progress in the entertainment business and as much as he enjoys the work he's doing now, he wants to act. He wants to set the world on fire with good acting and to show everyone who doubted him that he has what it takes to make it. 

When Tyler gets to Jeremy's hotel room, he isn't surprised to find Jeremy half-way through showering. It is widely known by everyone that the A-list actor has a big problem when it comes to hygiene and showers at least twice a day. Dressed in nothing but a towel, Jeremy invites the young man in and turns to retreat to the bedroom.

"The mini-bar's stocked up, so grab a beer or whatever you want." The older man calls out as he dives into the bedroom, returning a few minutes late dressed in sweat pants and a faded t-shirt.

"That bruise on your shoulder doesn't look too bad."

"Oh yeah." Jeremy chuckles and plops down on the opposite end of the sofa."If you haven't got banged up doing stunts then you aren't working hard enough."

"Is that lesson one?"

"Sure." He laughs heartily."And always be prepared. So, what inspired you to get into acting?"

"I don't know, man. I guess I just fell in love with it. The whole thing about entertaining people and putting your passion into it just sounds so rewarding."

"It can be rewarding." The older man muses."But it can also be draining and it can affect your personal life."

"That doesn't stop you."

Jeremy laughs and smiles to himself, seeing a little of himself in this kid who is so eager to learn and all he's needing is a push in the right direction, someone to believe in him.

"No, I guess it doesn't. But your personal life can never be truly private or yours once you come into the limelight. It can be a good thing and a bad thing."

"And how is it for you?" Tyler asks curiously.

"My life is private and it's my business. If I want people to know something I'll tell them, but if they find out because someone's bugged my cell or following me, I won't be   
happy."

"It must get frustrating." The young man answers, disheartened."Rumours grow arms and legs too."

"Oh yeah. One minute you can be taking a vow of celibacy and the next you're fucking Brittney Spears and her manager in the bathroom of some nightclub. People love gossip and most people will do anything to get it. What does your family think about you going into acting?"

"They don't exactly approve of my choices." Tyler answers."Kind of explains why I'm out here. Hey, I bet you're proud as punch to be a first time dad."

Jeremy smiles to himself at the thought of being a first time dad and never has he been so excited. He can't wait to hold his baby in his arms and watch his flesh and blood grow and evolve with unconditional love and adoration. 

"Yeah, I can't wait." Jeremy answers with a toothy, child-like grin."Can't wait to be a dad. The way things were going I thought it would never happen, but it's happening and I can't wait."

"I bet it's going to be really difficult when you're shooting and stuff, being away from home so much."

"As much as I love what I do and how adventurous every role is, it's going to hurt having to leave." The older man answers."So, how does your girlfriend feel with you being so busy on so many projects?"

Tyler almost chokes on his beer as   
he cheeks flush tomato red, his skin burning with embarrassment. He's naturally nervous to be in the presence of such an established actor and can't believe it that the same A-list actor is willing to help him. But since he brought up topics that are personal, he decides it's only fair to answer them himself.

"I don't have a girlfriend."

"What?" Jeremy chuckles."A good looking kid like you? Come on. I bet you've got half a dozen girls lined up around the block."

He glances up at Jeremy who is clearly confused by the sudden silence and he knows he has to explain, against a lot of people's advice at that.

"I don't have a girlfriend because I'm gay." Tyler answers finally, sucking in some air.

"Oh, I didn't know."

"Look, I get that you probably don't want me around, so I'll go." The young man in his twenties gets up to leave. 

"Why wouldn't I want you around?"

"I'm gay." Tyler repeats it."Because I'm gay."

Jeremy shakes his head with an empathetic smile, getting up and going to the mini-bar and popping two fresh beers.

"Come on, your sexuality isn't going to make me throw you out or not help you. No one's said anything."

"No one would. Because I haven't told anyone." Tyler answers with a sigh."I made that mistake once and never again."

"What happened? Sorry, that's my big nose's fault."

"No, it's cool." The young man smiles."I was working on this set of a small budget movie and I told someone and it got spread around. Turns out, being gay isn't acceptable in certain circles."

"I don't see why. You are who you are and if people don't like it, then they are the ones with the problem."

"Can I ask you something?" He asks and Jeremy nods."What was it like being asked all the time if you were...gay and stuff?"

Jeremy swallows the last mouthful of his beer and runs his fingers through his hair. He likes this kid because he sees a lot of himself in Tyler and he can understand why Tyler is curious about his own experiences with the gossiping media. So, he decides to open up to the young man and assist him in any way he can, because he truly believes that no person on earth should ever be stigmatised or bullied by their sexual orientation and of course, Jeremy has been pestered about that for a long time until he finally blew up in an interview.

"It was frustrating." Jeremy begins."It was the one thing everyone wanted to know, who was in my bed. Because I didn't publicly flaunt my sex life or personal life, they tried to get it out of me one way or another. Eventually, I got tired of it being brought up in every interview or conversation I had and I just got tired of it. Even people I was close to started asking."

"Sounds rough."

"It was." He agrees."I like certain aspects of my private life to remain personal and I'll tell people what I'm comfortable about revealing."

"Like the viagra incident?"

Jeremy bursts out laughing and Tyler awkwardly joins him.

"Yeah, like the viagra incident."

"If you like things to be private, why did you mention it?" Tyler asks curiously.

"It was one of those funny, but embarrassing experiences that I had to share before someone else did. Sometimes it's better to put it out there before it can be twisted and changed to suit other people."

Tyler agrees with Jeremy and quickly starts to think about his own career, if it ever gets that far and he takes in everything his mentor is saying and they end up talking for a good five hours, turning it from business to personal and back again. Sadly, it's getting late and both men are feeling the strain of the busy day and call it a night, but before Jeremy leaves he gives young Tyler some useful advice.

"It doesn't matter what people expect you to be or how to act, just be yourself and people will love you." Jeremy smiles, a little tipsy from the scotch and beers they had drank."Just don't run out on your ethics."

 

Early the next morning, Jeremy checks his cell-phone and smiles at the text message from one of the director's assistants. He can finally shave and that makes him very happy as he opens the balcony doors and lights up a cigarette. He looks down onto the gloomy street below and sighs, a little happier that he can get rid of the itching beard and as he swallows his last mouthful of coffee, he thinks about Katy and the baby. He can't wait to be a dad and he wishes Kathleen would see why he would throw in the towel on his career to be a dad and a husband, but she won't allow him to throw away everything he's worked for. Before going into the bathroom, Jeremy taps out a message to his wife and smiles as he sends it, three simple words- I love you.


	3. Sick As A Dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is most appreciated :)

Steam and smoke rises into the freezing air from the catering truck and the cast and crew are huddled together around plastic benches, trying to consume the hot meals before it freezes and sticks to the metal compartment styled trays, which inmates in prison eat off every day. Jeremy sits at an empty table with his hands cupped around a metal mug of steaming coffee, his fingers numb and red like his nose and cheeks. The headache he's carried all day just seems to get worse and the rattling cough that erupts from his chest, which is enough for the producer and the crew to be concerned. He tells himself it's just a cold and by the end of next week he will be back in California, wearing one layer of clothing and sleeping in his own bed with his beautiful and very pregnant wife. Checking his cell, he sniffles as he opens a picture message he received from Katherine first thing, a very big pregnant belly that looks as if it's going to burst and excitement buzzes at the thought of being a dad.

"Gee, you look like shit." A voice says and Jeremy looks up to see Tyler standing on the other side of the table with his lunch."Mind if I sit here?"

"No, go ahead. So, what delicacy do you have from the lunch truck?"

"It's pasta in some....kind of sauce." The younger man eyes the slop of red sauce and white pasta, looking at Jeremy's untouched lunch."Now I know why I didn't order the meatloaf and mash."

"I've seen soles of shoes that look more attractive."

As Tyler sits down and spoons the hot mess into his mouth, he watches with concern as Jeremy has a coughing fit, wheezing and choking and going purple in the face.

"You should really see a doctor, man."

"Don't you start." Jeremy answers as he takes a sip of his coffee."I'm fine."

"You don't sound or look fine. What does it hurt to get checked over?"

"I'll do it later" The older man replies, rubbing his fatigued eyes."Got a few more scenes to do then we're out of this shit hole."

Tyler nods and makes a face at every mouthful and he complains that dog food smells better and probably even tastes better too. He refills their coffee mugs and settles back down as he watches his mentor tighten the scarf around his neck, shuddering at the stiff blast of cold air that flows through the tent.

Jeremy simply wants to soak in a hot bath and grab an early night, but it's only one-thirty and they still have several hours of filming to do before the day can end. Jeremy rises to his feet and loses his balance when his head feels like it's filled with air and he turns to Tyler, giving himself some time to get back to normal.

"Stop by my room later because I've got something for you."

"Sure." Tyler agrees, a little too excited about spending even more time with the established Hollywood actor."Can I ask what it is?"

"You can ask, but I'm not telling. No point in ruining the surprise now is there?"

"I guess not" The man in his twenties agrees."I'll stop by around eight-thirty?"

"Sure. Oh, and by the way. You're going to like it."

Tyler shakes his head with a very content smile and still has difficulty in believing that this fabulous actor is willing to take him under his wing and for that, he is grateful for.

 

On the way up to Jeremy's floor, Tyler mentally tries to devise some sort of plan to convince his mentor to seek some form of medical attention, but it's easier said than done because the established actor knows that his student is concerned and it would give the game away. Whatever he decides, he knows it won't be easy and expects some kind of consequences for his actions. 

The door opens after two swift knocks.

"You still look like shit, man."

"I hate to break it to you, but it's the only face I've got." Jeremy teases and starts laughing."Come on in."

Naturally, the two men grab some coffee and then get down to business and the real reason why Jeremy is so insistent on bringing Tyler up here, which to some would look odd and could potentially created malicious rumours.

Jeremy hands a very thick envelope to the other man and hides his smile as Tyler rips open the packaging.

"Is this what I think it is?" Tyler asks, astonished.

"Yeah, it's exactly what you think it is. Original copies of every movie I've ever done and there's a lot of mixed scripts from other sensational movies, some plays and very important and inspiring works."

"Why are you giving me these?" He asks and is still stunned.

"Because I believe you have to start somewhere. By becoming these characters in these scripts and doing it successfully shows that you are dedicated and versatile in your abilities."

"I can't believe it. Thanks, man." Tyler grins.

"You're welcome. But I've set you homework. Every night you're going to learn a small section of dialogue from a character and you're going to present it in different ways."

Tyler's heart is now racing and all he can hear is the blood rushing into his ears, appreciating what he's been given as tools and his respect for Jeremy goes up another notch higher.

"For every night, the tops of the pages are dated. At the bottom there's techniques and tips on how you can perfect a piece of dialogue or use your body language to back the words up." Jeremy continues to explain in great detail."You've got the heart and the passion and all you need is the practice."

"You really think I can do this, become an actor?"

"Course I do." Jeremy agrees and there's no evidence of any doubt in his tone. "Anyone can do anything if it's what you want."

"Can I ask something?" 

"Sure." The older man smiles, sipping his coffee and licking the froth from his top lip.

"What if.....I wanted to study other actor's work...I don't want to..."

"What, offend me?" He cuts in and sets down the tiny espresso cup on the saucer."Tyler, as an actor it's great to vary your techniques and style and training. It's a piece of clay that you can mould into anything you want."

"How did you do it?"

Jeremy chuckles and goes into the long-winded version of how he found his love of acting, but gave away some of his most closest secrets.

"I used to watch different movies and look at the characters, impersonate them in the mirror physically and vocally. Find out what works out best for you. Like if you were doing a really bad boy character, you might choose and study Jem Coughlin and if you were looking for the good guy character, you could choose Frodo from Lord Of The Rings." He answers.

"Yeah, I see what you mean. So just don't study the same person all the time?"

"Yeah." Jeremy clicks his fingers in response with a grin."Exactly like that. Use little pieces from every actor you've watched and combine it together into how it fits you and suits you best."

"Great. Looks like I've got   
homework."

"You bet you have." He chuckles, watching Tyler as he gets up to leave."I'll see you tomorrow."

****

Early the next morning, with a frosty chill in the air and after drinking too much cough syrup, Jeremy pulls his jacket tighter around himself as another rattling cough explodes into the atmosphere. He feels and looks terrible and he's becoming irritated because everyone is pointing that out to him. Each actor or actress is assigned a personal assistant while on set and although most cast members don't usually use their PA's as their slaves, there are some that do and Jeremy has had enough of Gemma's fussing over him. He is even less impressed with Gemma when Tony Gilroy waltzes into the make-up department.

"Jeremy, what the hell are you doing?"

"What?" Jeremy fires back, defensively."I'm sitting in make-up where I'm supposed to be."

"Where you should be is back in the hotel room. You look like the living dead."

"It's just a cold." The actor answers.

"It's worse than the cold, Jeremy. You've got the flu and you need to rest. I've got a car waiting to take you back."

Jeremy tries to protest that he isn't going anywhere and can't get the words out because of another coughing fit that is leaving him gasping for air. Once he's regained his breath back, he takes a mouthful of water as the director leans against the sturdy vanity table.

"Kathleen and the baby is going to need you and being sick isn't going to do them or you any good." Gilroy says with compassion.

"We still have scenes to shoot."

"Jeremy, we are way in front of schedule and I'm not worried about us having to take some time off." The director answers."The scenes we have left to do can be done after you've spent some time at home. Take a few days off and see how it goes, deal?"

Jeremy catches sight of his reflection in the mirror and he looks worse than the living dead and that's being polite. Dark circles hold up his tired eyes and he looks grey and old, his shoulders hunched and sore with the coughing. Sighing, he looks down at the ground and nods.

"It's a deal."

 

"You should really be seeing a doctor." Kathleen says sternly over the phone. 

"I don't need a doctor, Katy. I just need some sleep and I'll be right as rain. Please stop worrying."

"Jeremy, I'm your wife and I'm supposed to worry." She adds with a deep sigh.

"Worrying isn't good for you or the baby."

"I wouldn't worry if you would just see a doctor." She answers, making a point.

Jeremy sighs and rubs his aching neck, wishing he had kept quiet about being ill and so miserable. The last thing he wanted was for Kathleen to worry and now she's worried, being unnaturally stressed which isn't good for her or the baby.

"Please?"

"Mama, I'm really fine." He protests, trying to hold in a coughing fit that would give away how ill he really is.

"You don't sound it and if the director had to force you into resting, it's bad. Please just get some rest and see a doctor. For me and the baby."

"Alright, fine." He says in defeat."And don't use you and the baby as a weapon."

"Is it working?"

"Yeah, it is." He chuckles and starts coughing.

Once the coughing has died down to a wheezy croak, he tells his wife that he loves her and the baby and first thing tomorrow morning he will see a doctor. It will keep her happy, even though he says it's only a cold. 

 

He reasons that her hormones are in the maternal stage of worrying too much as he sends a text to Tyler, rearranging their little get together until tomorrow so he can get some sleep and recover as much as he can in a night. Jeremy crawls into bed with a groan as his whole body aches and the soft mattress does nothing to ease his body aches, his head feeling like it's about to explode with the pressure as he kicks the covers off with being too warm and then pulling them back on when he shivers with the cold. It's going to be a long night.


	4. Playing Nurse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be nicd

Lips press into his and move gently in unison with his own, feeling arms wrapped around him as a familiar feeling of love and warmth wash over him. Hands grab his hips and he breaks away from the kiss, breathless and stunned at who is staring back at him with a grin. Tyler smiles as he leans in again to kiss him and he kisses the young man back, his own arms going around Tyler's body as they move from the sitting area to the bedroom.

*****  
Breathless and drenched in sweat, Jeremy snaps on the bedside light and squints at the sudden brightness as he takes in his surroundings. There's no one here, just him. With his heart thudding like a bongo drum in his chest, he glances at the clock and discovers he's only been out for a few hours and after the dream he's just had, it was a few hours too many. He blames the cold medicine for the bizarre dream and rolls over, going back to sleep. Jeremy is abruptly woken with fierce banging on the hotel room door. Wrapping himself in the thick robe, he opens the door and wishes he was standing in the pits of hell just for a heat as cold sweat soaks through his old faded t-shirt and pyjama bottoms.

"What are you doing here?" The older man addresses Tyler as chills roam over his skin.  
"I came by to see how you were doing-"

"Tyler, I appreciate it but I don't want you or anyone else catching this." Jeremy says, a little more forceful than he meant to and all he can remember is that damn dream."Sorry, I'm just tired and feel like shit."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No, you're okay." Jeremy answers with a genuine smile. "I've got cough syrup and cold medicine, but thanks." 

"Have you called a doctor yet?"

Jeremy gives the young man a sincere look that secretly says he wants privacy to be sick and for people to stop harassing him while he tries to get over the worst of it. He's stubborn and would rather finish the shoot and get the hell home, but the delay with being sick is weighing heavy on his mind, along with the strange dream.

"Jeremy?" Tyler says, waving his hand in front of the older man's face."You look like you're going to pass out"

"I do feel a bit dizzy."

Jeremy loses his balance and bangs his funny bone off the door frame, cursing under his breath as Tyler grabs hold of him.

"I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm calling a doctor." The young man says and practically carries Jeremy into his room.

He has never been one to allow himself to be bossed around and right now Jeremy doesn't have the strength to argue as he's tucked into bed and a cold flannel is placed on his burning forehead. Tyler turns out the light and makes a phone call to the duty doctor and makes sure Jeremy sees him, whether he likes it or not.

 

 

FOUR DAYS LATER

 

The pounding headache has subsided and his skin feels relatively normal as Jeremy wipes his face with the damp cloth, still feeling weak and a bit under the weather. He realises he's lost four days and he wonders what the hell had happened to him, because the last thing he remembers is talking to Tyler at the door and the rest is history. Jeremy glances around the hotel room and notices nothing that is out of place and wearing a sweat soaked t-shirt and boxers, he wanders into the main room of the hotel. He notices as he walks that the left butt-cheek is throbbing and he has no idea why either, but Tyler is sitting on the sofa flicking through the channels.

"What are you doing here?" 

"Jesus!" Tyler physically lifts off the sofa in surprise."You scared me, man. How are you feeling?"

"Better. Tyler, what are you doing here?"

"I was looking after you when you were sick." The young man answers and goes to he mini-fridge and grabs some water."When I came to see you the other day, you passed out and I called the doctor. You were lucky he didn't take you into the ER."

"What was wrong with me?" 

"The doc said you had the flu and some virus." Tyler says."Oh, and a chest infection."

Jeremy nods in understanding and picks up his cell that's on charge. It worries him that there's no missed calls or text messages from Kathleen and he knows she would have been worried sick.

"I called Kathleen and told her what was going on. She wanted to-"

"Fly out?" Jeremy asks, chuckling lightly despite how it makes his chest feel."Yeah, she worries like that and tries to jump into action. She's worse than the marines."

Tyler laughs and knows exactly what his mentor means when he's describing his wife. Kathleen had yelled at him that she was coming and then was told at the airport she was too pregnant to fly and naturally, she called Tyler to let him know and what kept her sane the last four days was the three phone calls a day as an update to her husband's progress. Tyler tells Jeremy everything, how he was given injections of antibiotics and how his sweat had been mopped up, how he had been changed and helped to use the bathroom. Jeremy frowns at Tyler and can't imagine himself being so out of it to remember. It also explains why Jeremy has a very sore area on his butt-cheek. They both end up laughing and Jeremy retreats to the bathroom to take a long shower while Tyler orders some room service.

The smell of food lures Jeremy away from the bathroom and he shakes his head at the magnificent feast in front of him. Jeremy and Tyler start with jumbo shrimp and cocktail sauce, then share a BLT sandwich, finally moving onto a mixed grill with all the trimmings and finally a dessert of apple pie and custard. They lean back on the sofa with full stomachs and sip their drinks, both of them feeling exhausted from the effort of eating so much.

However, they agree that it was worth it.

"Did you do your homework?" Jeremy suddenly asks, glancing at the man sitting next to him.  
"Come on, man. You were out for four days."

"Excuses." teases with a chuckle."I appreciate it, you hanging around like you did."

"Dont mention it"

They continue to talk for a little while and very quickly the actor starts to tire through no fault of his own. He's still exhausted and is eager to see and hear Tyler do the assignments that were set for him.

The young man sips some water and nervously glances over at Jeremy as he opens the script he had been working on. The first assignment was that of Jeremy's role as Brian Gamble and Tyler is afraid that he messes up, which is only natural considering that the actor who played Gamble is sitting right in front of him.

Jeremy is deeply impressed with Tyler as he finishes the hardest scene in the movie, the breaking up of a friendship in the locker room.

"You nailed it, kid" Jeremy beams proudly.

"Really?"

"You really did great capturing ths hurt and the betrayal. You're a natural."

Tyler grins and closes the booklet of scripts and is tempted to pretty much rugby tackle his mentor for not just helping him accomplish his dreama, but believing in hin where as no one has done before.

"It really means alot to have your advice." Tyler says with feeling.

"You should be incredibly proud of yourself 'cause I am and I think you're foing to go far. You just need to keep your feet on the ground."

 

Being sick had really taken it's toll and after showering for the second time and getting into bed, Jeremy calls his wife and reassures her that he's really fine and was under very good care. Having to say goodbye is always a painful and heartbreaking task and he hates it. He hates hs feels once he's hung up the phone and the sooner he's in Kathleen's arms, the better


	5. Coming Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be most appreciated.

Jeremy packs his belongings into his suitcase and checks the drawers of the dresser for anything he might have forgotten and goes into the bathroom, whistling as he grabs his shaving kit and tucks it into a compartment. Its finally time to go home and although he still feels a little under the weather, finishing up the movie and going home is exactly what he needs. He checks the time as someone knocks on the rooz door, slightly panicked because the cab isn't due to collect him for another hour to take him to the airport.

He answers it and breaks into a grin when he sees Tyler standing there with an identical grin, a bounce in his step as he follows his mentor inside.

"I thought I'd missed you."

"I was just packing." Jeremy smiles warmly and goes back to gathering his belongings that are scattered around the hotel room. "You nearly gave me a heart attack, thought it was the cab."

"Sorry to get your hopes up."

"What's hope?" The older mana asks with a hearty laugh. "So, what's with the surprise?"

"I just came to tell you the good news."

"Yeah?" Jeremy asks and continues to fold his shirts. "What's the good news?"

Tyler openly grins and produces a folded letter from his pocket, handing it to Jeremy and he reads it carefully.

"This is great! You didn't say you were going in for an audition."

"It's not that big a deal." The younger man brushes it off modestly. "It's just an independent movie, small time."

"Listen, the important thing is that you auditioned and they've given you a part. Its maybe not going to be the career defining performance or the best movie ever written or directed, but that stuff isn't important. What's important is the fact that you've got passion for what you're doing. Its a big deal."

"It doesn't sound like it." Tyler mumbles as he folds up he paper and puts it back in his pocket.

"To some people it won't sound like a big deal, but how do you think most of us got started? By having not so glamerous parts in small independent movies. Its an opportunity."

"You're right, I'm sorry." The anxious young man says."I'm just bummed cause they had these other guys for he part and hey were so much better. They had gone gone to big acting academies, not like drama workshops and studying online or even internships anywhere near the business. It was like there was no struggle to get there."

Jeremy silently processes everything his unofficial student is saying and he remembers his own struggles when it came to acting, how he was broke in Los Angeles and sleeping on a friends floor because he didn't want to admit defeat or go home to his family to tell them he had failed. It just wasnt an option.

"Tyler," He begins empathetically. "Sure, you maybe don't have all the experiences like the other guys up for audition, but that doesn't make them any better than you or anyone else."

"Do you really believe that?" 

"I have every faith in you and one day you're going to go far, but you'very still got a lot to learn. Just like me and everyone else in the industry. You keep on learning." Jeremy answers honestly and scribbles his address and phone number on some paper. "Call or drop in whenever you feel like it."

"Are you.....Are you sure?"

"Like a heart attack." The actor says."Anytime. And once this independent movie is done I want a copy."

"Its a pretty strange part."

"Well, bring it over once you're home and relaxex and we'll go over it.' Jeremy smiles and frowns as someone else knocks on the door. "Shit. That'll be the cab. I mean it, kid. Anything I can do just let me know."

Tyler nods and quickly grabs the only slightly smaller man and hugs him tight, thanking him for everything he's done and more importantly being a friend.

"Take it easy, man." Jeremy laughs as he sucks in a mouthful of air. "Going home with broken ribs or a collapsed lung isn't going to impress the wife."

"I mean it. Jeremy. Thanks for everything."  
"You're going to be fine. You've got this one in the bag. Just dont be a stranger."

And with the slightly heartbreaking departure of friendship and colleagues, Jeremy jumps into the taxi and butterflies flare up in his stomach at the thought of going home.

†******

Kathleen sings along to the radio as she washes some dishes, obsessively checking the time and her cell for any contact from Jeremy. He had sent her a text message saying that he was at the airport and she actually wept with happiness, cursing the damn hormones that make her cry over the slightest thing.  
What doesn't help is the way her feet and ankles constantly throb and swell, the way she can't hold in a pee and the way her back aches every time she moves. A friend had put it down to twins since she is so enormous. but the sonographer had eased her worries and confirmed that there is only one baby. Kathleen checks the time again and she wonders what her husband is doing on the flight, if he's catching up on sleep or if he's engaged himself in a book or even listening to music to keep himself out of trouble, and she knows that he is perfectly capable of getting into trouble in an empty room. She switches off the radio and presses her hand to her belly, feeling the baby kick and move inside of her and she tears up because Jeremy is missing it. Stifling a small sob, Kathleen lays down on the sofa and places the hot water bottle at the small of her back and closes her eyes for just a few minutes. Just a few minutes of quietness.

A car door close s loudly and jolts Kathleen from sleep, an unintended sleep thats left her disorientated because its so dark outside. Feeling groggy, she gets up and looks out the window to see a cab reversing down the driveway and that can only mean one thing. Jeremy is home. 

Waddling into the hallway, she can barely contain her excitement as he opens the front door and looks stunned for a second.

"Mama, what are you doing up so late?" His voice is thick with surprise. "It's almost midnight."

"It doesn't matter what time it is. I couldn't wait to see you."

They grin at each other like lovesick teenagers and jump into each others arms, their lips pressed together and the kiss is so deep, sweet and sensual, they are gasping for air.

"I've missed you so much." Kathleen says with emotion."The baby has too."

"And I've missed you guys, too."  
Jeremy gently rubs her pregnant belly and looks up at his wife with a smile, emotion catching in his throat.

"I'm glad the baby decided not to come early."

"I think the baby wanted to wait until you got home." She answers, smiling.

"But really, what are you doing up so late?"

"I fell asleep and lost track of time." She says and explains it was the cab that had woken her. "You were supposed to call when you were on your way home."

"I know, but it was late and you need your rest. I didn't want to wake you."

"I'm glad I was awake, because I would have been seriously mad if you didn't let me know you were back." She adds."And as from tomorrow, I'm on maternity leave."

"That's great and I can keep an eye on you."

"As much as I live having you around, I don't need a babysitter." Kathleen teases and pecks her husband lightly on the lips."I'm glad you're home."

"Me too, mama. Me too.'

 

 

He rolls onto his side and puts his arm protectively around Kathleen's waist and then he moves his arm several times as she rolls around to face him.

"This baby is getting in the way." He mumbles with a chuckle.

"It won't be too long and then we hold our little baby."

"I really wish I could have been home more." He answers.

"I know, but you had to work and it's not like I went into labour when you were gone."

"Mama, but you could have gone into labour and I wouldn't have been here." Jeremy continues as he props himself up on his elbow with a serious frown.

"Jeremy, the important thing is that you are here. And I'm glad you are here."

"So am." He smiles and presses a kiss to her lips."You get some sleep."

*****

"You were very restless last night." Kathleen says as she breaks some eggs into a bowl and adds some seasoning.

Jeremy looks up at her from the early morning newspaper and he knows why, another restless dream involving Tyler which is just weird.

"Just over tired. Mom's going to visit before your due date, something about a baby box."

"She better not have gone to too much trouble." She says seriously and he raises his hands in surrender.

"Hey, I'm staying out of this one. She' s just excited and cant wait to hold her grandbaby."

"I know. But its not like she lives thousands of miles away." Kathleen says thoughtfully as she adds some ingredients to the bowl of eggs."Actually, I need to speak to her anyway."

"Is this about the babysitting when you go back to work?"

Kathleen nods in reply as she dices up some tomatoes and Jeremy comes up behind her, knowing something is troubling her as he rubs her belly. 

"What's the matter, mama?" He asks gently, unsure if he's invading her personal space too much and it will only make her shut down.

"I just don't think it's right how your mom is going to be here all the time. She's raised her babies and they've flew the nest and here she is going to be doing it all over again."

"Katy, she wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to do it and I think it'll be good for her." He answers.

"Maybe I should just resign."

"And all the hard work you've put in will be for nothing and it would make you miserable. If it makes you feel any better I can take a long break and be a stay at home dad, even do smaller movies." He suggests.

"And be back to square one with your career?"

She's got him there and she knows it.

They had both risked everything for their own careers and worked exceptionally hard to get there, and now they are both unsure of what the future holds.

"We can find a compromise so everyone's happy. But I don't want you giving up what you're doing."

"Alright, its a deal." She breathes out a held breath and smiles. "Just promise me you won't do anything to harm your career."

"Its a promise, but it goes both ways."

They seal the deal with a kiss and enjoy a light, but very delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast and then curl up on the sofa to watch some movies. And they kiss and cuddle, showing affection to one another for the first time in months and they soak it up like a drug. A drug with no adverse side effects, but when they were apart there was always the withdrawal period that never got any easier and never would.


	6. Home Comforts.

Settling back into a routine at home after a period away was never easy, no matter how much a person longed for their home comforts and Jeremy was no different from anyone else. His first night at home had been restless and he had been cranky the following day, but seeing the scans in person of his unborn child softened his grumpiness and Kathleen was relieved. The first few nights of being home, they made up for lost time and snuggled on the sofa and made every second count. But after being home for just over a week, Jeremy didn't slip back into his normal easy-going attitude and lifestyle, something was bothering him and Kathleen knew he would work it out on his own and if he needed to, she would play as a therapist until he got it off his chest.

****

The melody of songbirds drifts in through the opened window and groggily, Jeremy rolls over onto his back and his hand brushes over the cold material of bedsheets and realisation hits him that Kathleen hasn't been there for some time. Squinting at the alarm clock, he groans that its only four-thirty in the morning and he feels like he's just fallen asleep seconds ago rather than hours. 

Bleary eyed and yawning as he goes downstairs, he finds Kathleen nestled on the sofa with a blanket and an eaten tub of strawberry ice cream and a jar of pickles. Jeremy kneels down at the arm of the sofa as he begins to talk.

"You okay, mama?"

"I'm fine. I got a craving and I couldn't get comfortable." She answers as she turns to him, looking exhausted despite how chirpy she sounds. "Your child is using my bladder as a football, so I thought I would catch up on some shows."

"You should have woke me."

"Jeremy, you were dead to the world and besides, there wasn't anything you could do about it. " She replies. "Why don't you go back to bed and get some rest."

"Not without you."

Jeremy straightens up and extends his hand, stifling a yawn as she rubs her belly.

"I'm fine right here."

"Maybe you are, but our bed is more cosy than down here." He answers seriously, kind of putting his foot down. "I'm not taking no for an answer and if I need to carry you back to bed, I will."

"Is that a threat or a promise?"

"Its both." He says in a matter of fact tone as a smile plays on his lips. "Now. come on. Listen to your husband."

"I never usually listen, so why should I start now?"

"Do you want more ice-cream and pickles?" He teases, laughing. "Because I will forget them on the grocery list."

"You drive a hard bargain, Mr Renner." 

"If it works, who cares?" He chuckles and helps her to her feet.

Kathleen yawns and turns off the TV before following Jeremy back upstairs and once they are in bed, she manages to get comfortable as she lays her head on his chest and listens to the sound of his beating heart.

The couple had slept in later than they intended and enjoyed a light brunch of scrambled eggs on toast before seperating to do their own thing for a while. Kathleen insisted that she did the grocery shopping while Jeremy stayed behind and put his strong hands to good use by building several pieces of furniture for the baby. Jeremy mumbles a curse as he catches his finger for the second time between two pieces of the crib he is trying to screw together and the soft laughter coming from the doorway makes him look up.

"I thought you would have had the crib built by now."

"Very funny." He says to his wife as he suck his finger into his mouth, tasting blood. "This is alot harder than it looks, you know."

"It would help if you used the instructions."

"I don't need instructions." He replies with a chuckle as he looks at the stack of other things he needs to build.

"Are you trying to tell me that because you're a man you don't need them?"

Jeremy flashes a smirk at his wife as he huffs at the project in front of him. He had been sitting on the floor of the baby's room for the last hour trying to build the crib that he said he would be able to do in no time, and the piece of furniture has him beat.

"I'm trying to tell you exactly that." He giggles and rises to his feet. "Did you stock up on pickles and ice-cream?"

"I did and I got you something special."

He smiles at her and does his famous puppy dog eyes that she simply can't resist and she wraps her arms around him, kissing him gently.

"Don't do the eyes, Renner." She warns him with a giggle. "You're just trying to get your own way."

"And is it working?"

"You know it is." She shudders at how low and husky his voice has gone, sexy and smooth. "How about you take a break from this and we build up an appetite?"

"You're an excellent mind reader."

Kathleen brushes her lips gently across his and leaves him begging for more as she leads him by the hand into their bedroom and closes the door.

******

Jeremy and Kathleen show tremendous affection towards each other over dinner and Jeremy finally discovers what his special treat is, a roll of cookie dough which he ate and shared, at least some of it. He returns upstairs to finish building the crib and Kathleen does the dishes and then settles on the sofa with her book and the jar of pickles. Every so often she can hear her husband swearing loudly upstairs and it just makes her giggle, knowing how easy it is for him to get frustrated over something that should be easy. As she reads, she places her hand on her belly and smiles as her unborn child kicks, as if knowing she is there and the bond strengthens with each day. They hadn't purposely been trying for a baby, but agreed that if it happened it would happen and if not, they would still be happy. Now as Kathleen thinks about it, she wouldn't have it any other way and silent tears stream down her face as she remembers Jeremy pressing kisses to her stomach and talking quietly to their child. The moment of sentiments fade when the buzzer for the security gate sounds and she tries to compose herself, prepared to chase off the regular gossip hounds that tried to invade their privacy. Kathleen lifts the receiver and talks for a few minute s, recognising the voice instantly as she buzzes him through the gates and a flutter of excitement ripples through her as she opens the door to greet their surprise guest.


	7. Surprise, Surprise.

He looks like a child who has been told off as he frowns at the instructions, an annoyed and blank expression on his face. He had no idea that building baby furniture was going to be this stressful and at the moment, he doesn't care if he's up the whole night assembling it, on principle that it will get finished. Jeremy huffs loudly as he scratches his head, oblivious to the two spectators in the doorway who are trying not to laugh at what they've just walked in on.

A giggle from Kathleen makes him look up, now a stunned look as he looks between his wife and their guest.

"Tyler!" Jeremy says in disbelief as he gets up and pulls the younger and taller man into a hug. "You look great. What...You didn't say you were in the area."

"I was passing by and thought I would come say hi to my mentor."

"How did it go with that independent movie?" Jeremy asks as he three of hem make their way downstairs.

They move into the kitchen and Kathleen attempts to make drinks, but is literally thrown into a seat by her husband and warned that she is doing too much. He takes over and makes coffee, eagerly listening to what Tyler has to say about the flick he had starred in.

"I think it could have been done better." Tyler admits as he recalls the scenes he was in. "They seemed to be too....over done and fake."

"Yeah, I guess that's the beauty of low budget movies, but it was a good opportunity."

"Yeah, sure." Tyler agrees, even if he doesn't believe it.

"Everyone does low budget to start out with." Kathleen adds with reassurance."It's like a crash course to see whether you can really perform and adapt to what's required. You should see some of the plays and auditions Jeremy was in and you would think everyone had escaped from the psychiatric hospital."

"So, what you're telling me is that it's going to get better?" Tyler asks with a hopeful smile and it's Jeremy who butts in.

"Absolutely. Sometimes it takes a bit longer to get where you want to be, but it's worth it. You just have to be a little more patient."

"And Jeremy is the least patient person on this planet." Kathleen adds and ignores the face her husband makes at her. "He wants everything done yesterday and even that isn't soon enough."

Tyler chuckles and expects the couple to have some kind of domestic argument in front of him, but they just sass one another all in good fun and try to get their points across.

"So, I guess you guys are really excited about the baby?" Tyler asks casually.

"Oh yes, daddy dearest here has spent the whole afternoon building the crib and a few other things." She motions to Jeremy as she talks. 

"Hey, I'm just dedicated. I've got the bruises to prove it." Jeremy shows off his bruised thumbs and fingertips as he laughs, heartily.

"Why don't you two go down to that new music bar that's just opened up?" She suggests. "Just don't get too drunk and think you can build the crib better second time around."

"Ha ha." He tosses back at his wife. "You got an hour or two to spare?"

"Sure. There's supposed to be a great out of state band playing tonight." Tyler nods with enthusiasm at how he is going to be spending his evening.

 

****

"The Underground" had once been an old haunt for Jeremy, before it changed it's name and started attracting a much more sophisticated clientele that drank designer beers and listened to brats with instruments. Jeremy can remember the first time he walked into the bar, back when it was called "Rocky's" and the beer was like dish water and the floors sticky with god knows what. He remembers fondly sitting at the scratched bar, listening to whatever band was playing and soaking up the atmosphere like a sponge. He and his buddies had spent a lot of their younger years at that bar and they were saddened, If not depressed when the owner, Rocky passed away and no one would manage his legacy. The place closed and within six months, everything about it had changed and had gone upmarket compared to what the establishment really stood for and the rest was history. That was until the son of an old customer of Rocky's turned up, bought the place over and returned the building to it's former glory, obviously with modern twists but they played rock and roll, offered every drink imaginable and despite still being classier than the original, the place still had the grungey feeling. Whitesnake plays on the old fashioned jukebox in the corner as the two men find a table, both of them glad they had come by early before the rush and bustling crowd. 

Jeremy pushes his sunglasses onto the top of his head as Tyler returns with two bottles of beer, their eyes scanning their surroundings.

"Back when it was Rocky's, the chairs were pretty much bolted down." Jeremy says as he takes a generous sip of his beer and he can't help but laugh at the look on Tyler's face. "It was either that or they sent flying through the windows or smashed over someone's head, so I guess having only a few chairs took away the problem."

"Sounds like this place had a reputation."

"It did and it didn't." The older man confesses. "A fight now and again, but that was it and usually it was two guys fighting over a girl." 

"Doesn't surprise me." 

"Yeah, Rocky's could be a bit rough and tumble, but they had live music every night of the week." He adds. "It was a good enough compromise." 

Tyler laughs and shakes his head at the comment and he had been in plenty of bars like that before, but none he could see he enjoyed going to and it just so happened that the beer was cheap, now that was a fair compromise. A few more people come into the bar and Jeremy takes it as a sign to get them some more drinks and returns with a tray laden with bottles and glasses.

"Are you buying everyone drinks?" Tyler asks with a laugh.

"Hey, once this place is packed I'm not fighting through a crowd just to get a drink."

"Good idea." The young man agrees and goes into his wallet and Jeremy stops him.

"Don't even think about it. This is on me."

"But" He tries to protest and Jeremy cuts him short.

"Don't argue with me 'cause you won't win. So, don't even try."

Jeremy hands his drinking companion a glass of whisky and another beer, with several drinks each still on the tray with a few shots of tequila. They clink glasses in a toast, to friendship as the band members start assembling their instruments for their set and by the looks of the crowd that come in through the door, Jeremy and Tyler had been right to come early. 

The band start off and within minutes, the people in front of the small stage are bouncing around like they are on pogo sticks and very soon the bar is getting warmer, the air becoming sticky with sweat and spilled drinks. Jeremy squeezes himself through the crowd as he comes back from a smoke break, glad of the fresh and cool night air, but also glad to get back inside to have a few more drinks. It had been a while since he had been out to a bar and it had been a while since he had just been allowed to enjoy himself without someone sticking a camera in his face. 

Jeremy throws back a shot of tequila in one swallow and leans in closer across the table so Tyler can hear him.

"This lifestyle makes you grow a thicker skin.

"Do I need i need it?" Tyler asks, on the same level of drunkenness as his mentor.

"You'll need it, even if you don't think you do. You can't do anything without a rumour being shoved in your face and there's some dude sitting, just waiting to get all he juicy gossip."

"My life isn't that exciting." The younger man answers as he hands Jeremy another beer.

"I don't believe that. So, when's your next audition?"

The bar seems to get noisier and warmer, uncomfortably so that they both go outside for some air, knocking that their jackets and their table is safe. It'a much cooler than the last time Jeremy slipped out for a smoke and he offers one to Tyler, who claims he only smokes when he's drinking.

"Sorry, next audition is in a month."

"Great." Jeremy beams proudly with his cigarette dangling from his lips. "What role?"

"It's for a TV show, some drama thing as a nurse in the ER."

"You got your script yet?" The actor asks as he taps out a reply to Kathleen. "Katy says I've not to lead you astray."

"I don't need any help with that, so you're off the hook. But yeah. I've got the script at my place. Doesn't see that complicated."

"Just be ready." Jeremy warns him as he yawns.

"Is the old man ready for an early night?"

"Fuck you." He replies with a laugh, both of them ribbing each other at every opportunity. "Let's get back inside before our table gets taken."

Laughing, Tyler follows him and they settle back down to enjoy the rest of their evening, just drinking and talking and listening to music. Either way, both men are happy.

 

 

Kathleen smiles to herself as she feels the mattress dipping and the pungent odour of alcohol tells her exactly who is getting into bed next to her. Once Jeremy is lying down next to her, she rolls over and snuggles close to him as she lays her head on his bare chest and her arm draped across his stomach.

"I missed you." She says with sleep thick in her voice.

"I missed you too."

"Good." She giggles. "And you're drunk, Renner."

"I only had a few drinks. Must be those drinks that got spilled on me."

"I'm not buying that old excuse." She teases as she presses a kiss to his skin, over his heart. "Did you boys have a good time?"

"We had a great time. It was good, really good. I'm sorry I woke you and it's late."

"Baby, you know I don't mind." She says truthfully. "But I would have if I had gone into labour."

Jeremy chuckles heartily and threads his fingers through her hair, smiling at the thought of holding his baby very soon.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world." 

"Good." She says again and lowers her hand into the front of his boxers. "But since we're both awake..."

"Tyler's in the guest room."

News like that would probably annoy some people, but not Kathleen as she trails kisses over his chest and up to his lips.

"Well, Mr Renner." She grins. "You're just going to have to control yourself and be quiet."

*****

Kathleen let's out a soft laugh at the sight of her hungover husband who had been dosing at the breakfast bar, his hand holding up his head. She is sorely tempted to make a loud noise, but reasons that it isn't fair as she puts down a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water in front of him.

"It's breakfast."

Thanks." He grumbles and takes two, swallowing them as he drains the glass.

"Sore head this morning?"

Jeremy's cracks open an eye to glare at her, but he can't be irritated with her and nods with a lazy smile.

"I think a marching band has taken up practice inside my head." 

"Oh, you poor man." Kathleen coos and kisses his cheek, which makes him smile."How about some breakfast to soak up all that alcohol?"

"Sounds good. There's some leftover pizza in the fridge."

"Pizza?" She turns to her husband, confused.

"We got hungry and got some pizza."

"I hope you left me some and it better be pepperoni." She warns him, trying not to laugh.

Kathleen takes out the box of cold pizza, a large pizza and puts some slices onto a plate to heat up in the microwave. It had been a long time since she ate pizza or junk food for breakfast, but it did look and smell too good to pass up the opportunity. They eat at the breakfast bar and after some fluids and a bite to eat, Jeremy certainly starts to look better and he bursts out laughing at the soft of Tyler standing in the doorway. Kathleen gets up and hands him a glass of freezing cold orange juice.

"Best hangover cure there is." She smiles pleasantly. "Orange juice, aspirin and pizza. I'll heat some up for you."

Tyler says thanks as he sits on the barstool with his head in his hands, his hair messy and it feels like someone is trampling all over his body.

"You look like how I feel." Jeremy says as he tucks into another slice of pizza.

"What were we even drinking last night?"

"I think we worked our way along the bar." The hungover actor says as he gulps down some more juice. "But I was fine until you got shots of that black shit."

Kathleen sets down a second plate of pizza and yawns, feeling even more exhausted than she thought she would as she rubs her belly.

"Oh, the jager?" Tyler laughs and clutches his head. "Yeah, you seemed to like it."

"I did, but I'm paying for it now."

"Serves you both right." Kathleen teases."You two should go get some more sleep."

"I don't want to impose-" Tyler starts to say, but she cuts him off as Jeremy sniggers. 

"Get your butt upstairs and get some rest. You aren't imposing."

"Thanks." Tyler says genuinely as he then goes back upstairs.

 

****

While the boys slept off their hangovers, it gave Kathleen some time to herself and she spent it by lazing on the sofa with a jar of pickles and some bad day time TV. She giggles to herself at the thought of setting off the smoke alarm, but that would just be too cruel and it would only worsen Jeremy's mood. Once the pickles are done, she washes up the few dishes and then falla asleep as the baby kicks lightly and its the best feeling in the world.


	8. Up In The Air

Kathleen sighs as she tries to get comfortable and moves onto her side, huffing and puffing at every movement that causes her to ache. Jeremy snores softly next to her and she resists waking him up to share her restlessness and she decides against it, knowing how grumpy he can get when he gets woken up out of a good sleep. She huffs loudly as the pressure at the base of her spine gets worse and she tries to think what she had done to it.

All of a sudden, she moves and feels a hot gush of fluid between her legs and she knows she hasn't just had an accident.

"Jeremy!" She says as she shakes him hard by the shoulder. "Jeremy, wake up."

"Mmm what's the matter?"

"My waters has broke." She says and she tries not to laugh as he jumps out of bed.

"I'll call an ambulance and get your bag. Shit, where is it?"

If this was a comedy act they would have won hands down as the anxious husband races around the room in a blind panic and the wife laughing on the bed.

"Jeremy, calm down. I haven't had any contractions yet."

"Not yet." He says in a matter of fact tone. "That book said they could start at any second and then the baby could come even quicker."

"You read that book? I thought we agreed we weren't going to do everything by some clinical study?"

Kathleen should have known he would have read the book on first time parenthood, regardless of what they agreed and it was all because he was so nervous and worked up about the baby. She knew he just wanted to give her and the baby the best care and treatment possible.

"I uh....thought it would help, you know." 

"I know, baby and I love you for it." She says softly with a smile as she slides her feet into her slippers and grabs her robe from the bottom of the bed. "You need to calm down because I can't have you fainting on us."

Jeremy nods as he helps Kathleen get out of bed and runs downstairs with the overnight bag that had been sitting packed for weeks. He returns to the bedroom, breathless and panicked and excited as he guides her to the stairs and helps her down them, one step at a time. Kathleen is ultimately relieved that Jeremy is here to witness and support her through the birth of their first child, a blessing by all accounts.

 

 

The roads are congested thanks to an accident and every driver in the city seemed to have the same idea of going through the streets that Jeremy needed to use to get to the hospital. He had called the hospital and told them that they were on their way and he couldn't control the bubble of excitement that had made him impatient. 

He reaches for Kathleen's hand and gives it a tight squeeze as he glares at the line of traffic and reversing and turning back wasn't an option since they ate boxed in.

"You doing okay, mama?" 

'I'm fine." Kathleen says as she dabs sweat from her forehead, another contraction and the pressure grows in her stomach."Just another contraction."

"Shit. We need to get to the hospital. Damn traffic."

"Baby, take it easy." She says soothingly as she pats his hand, refusing to let go."We will get there with plenty of time to spare.....ow.....okay?"

Kathleen can't tell him that the contractions are coming more frequently and closer together, intensifying as they inch further and further down the road towards the hospital. Jeremy would freak if he thought there was a chance of her not having the baby in the hospital and would raise hell to get her there. She knew why he was so worried, especially if some kind of complication arose and no one could do anything to help. That is what he had been fearing most. 

"You know we didn't agree on a name."

"We didn't?" He asks as the car inches forward again. "We looked through all those books and it didn't help."

"I this we had too much for choice. Did you call your mom?"

"Yeah, her and dad are on their way." He answers. "What about you?"

"They're in France on some trip to some winery." 

There's no disgusting of the bitterness and resentment in her voice and in truth she is furious that her own parents wouldn't reschedule their plans to join in on one of the biggest day's of her life. She's naturally hurt by their decision to stay in France and the promised phonealcall later did nothing to soothe the stinging wound.

"I'm sorry, mama." He says genuinely and kisses the back of her hand, threading his fingers through hers. "I wish I could do something."

"It's not your fault. They never did approve of us and I think this is their way of telling us that. Forget I said anything."

"It's going to be okay, I promise." He says with reassurance. "Let's hope we get there soon 'cause I don't know how to deliver a baby."

Kathleen laughs and leans her head back against the head rest, closing her eyes as she tries to keep herself relaxed. The last thing she wants to do is make the birth more stressful by not being relaxed and calm, even though her insides are doing somersaults. 

***

 

Thankfully the painful contractions hadn't gotten too bad until they were closer to the hospital and quickly Kathleen was taken to the maternity wing and checked over while Jeremy parked the car. Already he is a nervous wreck as he paces the floor of the waiting room, eager to be with his wife when their child is born, but understandably she has to be examined first. A nurse comes and gets him, taking him into the private room where Kathleen is laying on her back, drenched in sweat and looking as red as a tomato and surrounded by the midwife, a doctor and two nurses. 

The contractions are noticeably more intense as the nurse hands Kathleen the gas and air, having decided that she didn't want any pain relief and wanted to have a natural birth as could be.

"Don't you ever come near me again l, Renner." Kathleen hisses through gritted teeth. "I swear i'll cut it off first."

Jeremy nervously laughs and is surprised by the medical staff's unphazed reactions and he wonders how many times they've heard those kind of threats.They have probably heard that and a whole lot worse.

***

An hour and a half passes and there's still no sign of the baby making it's debut, but Kathleen had cracked and asked for some pain relief while Jeremy stayed with her.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you." Kathleen says apologetically and takes another inhale on the gas and air.

'Don't you worry about it, Katy. Just focus on you and the baby and nothing else."

'I'm so happy that you're here, Jeremy." She admits and starts to get tearful. "I don't think I could have done this without you."

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I would have swam an ocean to be here."

"I know you would." She replies as she caresses her cheek and a powerful contraction hits her. "Ow!"

The midwife tells Kathleen to push hard on the next contraction and to push hard, and she does when it comes and squeezes Jeremy's hand hard. This goes on for ten minutes, pushing hard and panting in effort at the pressure that is growing in her stomach. Jeremy kisses the top of her head and holds her hair out of her face as the medical staff get into position to deliver the baby.

"The baby is crowning." The midwife says."On the next one, push hard."

"Grrrrrr....ahhh"! Kathleen growls out and crushes her husband's hand in hers.

"You're doing great, baby. We're almost there." Jeremy says softly, kissing her head again as she screams and pushes.

"The head is out. Okay, one last push." The midwife says as she readies a towel and her equipment.

 

Kathleen does as she is told and with one last and final enermous push, she feels her baby enter the world and she cries as she grips Jeremy's hand. He is also crying, kissing her head as he murmurs well dones into her hair. The midwife cleans up the baby quickly and clamps the cord and Jeremy most has a breakdown when he is asked if he wants to cut the cord. Both parents are sobbing, undeniably happy at the birth of their child.

The midwife gently lays the baby in Kathleen's arms, wrapped up and warm and still needing a proper clean and a check over before anything else. The tiny baby stares up at it's parents and they state back, gazing lovingly at their child who they created together and would cherish and raise as a united front. They knew parenthood wouldn't be easy, but they know it's worth it.

"Hey, baby." Jeremy says through tears as he caresses the baby's head affectionately. "I'm your daddy."

****

Still crying, Jeremy rushes out into the corridor wearing the blue scrubs as he finds his parents anxiously waiting for news on their grandchild. He strides up to them, looking like he's won the lottery.

"What did she have?" Valerie asks impatiently, her excitement mirroring her son's.

"A little girl, mom. We have a little girl."


	9. Becoming Guardians

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be awesome and also ideas for shots and fics.

The new parents coo and gaze lovingly at their daughter and how she snuggles into Kathleen's breasts and how her tiny hand wraps around Jeremy's finger. Tears of joy slide down their cheeks in silence as they soak up their little daughter's beauty, cherishing her after the long and agonising wait for parenthood. Valerie had cried into her ex-husband's arms when she was told that Kathleen had given them a granddaughter and Lee, Jeremy's father had beamed with an enormous grin, proudly congratulating his son. Already the news would spread like wildfire through the family and as much as the new parents want to share their beautiful daughter with the whole world, they want to keep her to themselves for just a bit longer. Jeremy presses a kiss to Kathleen's lips and she isn't surprised to find him still so emotional. 

"I love you so much, Katy." He croaks. "I love you both so much."

"We love you too, daddy. Don't we baby girl?"

Jeremy smiles as his duahgterstarts to fuss and goes red with the effort of showing her discomfort. Two nurse's are waiting to get the baby cleaned up and into some warm clothes and then transfer mother and baby up to the maternity ward, where they will stay together for the next few days. 

"Do you want to hold her?" Kathleen asks as she hands the infant to her husband and he cradles her in his arms, swallowing hard.

"Hi, baby girl. I'm your daddy and that's your mommy." 

It's now Kathleen's turn to bawl her eyes out as a floodgate of emotions seem to hit her like a tidal wave. She had been waiting for what seemed like forever to have this moment and now that it's here she doesn't want to let go of it. Seeing Jeremy with their daughter in his strong, protective arms melts her quickly. 

A nurse comes in with a supply of diapers and cotton wool to have on standby to change and clean the beautiful little girl. 

"Have you agreed on a name yet?" The nurse asks as she coos at the baby in her daddy's arms. 

"Actually, we haven't been able to make up our minds yet." Kathleen admits through the tears.

"Getting the name right is always the hardest part." The nurse laughs heartily. "Such a little cutie she is. She's going to break some hearts, daddy."

Jeremy chuckles and they throw names at each other in hope that they agree soon. The nurse had been right when she said choosing a name was the hardest part and making sure the name fit with the child was even harder. Jeremy suggested, Ruby, Katie and Lisa and Kathleen didn't like them, so she suggested Wendy, Gwen and Sarah and Jeremy didn't like them. 

The couple were back at square one with an unnamed baby girl. 

"What about Brooke?' Jeremy suggests suddenly and press his lips to the child's forehead.

"I think it's perfect. Brooke Renner."

"What about a middle name?' He asks.

Jeremy gently lays Brooke down in the hospital crib and covers her with the pink blanket, unable to take his eyes off her. 

"I wanted to talk to you about that." She answers quietly and she has his undivided attention.

"Don't sound so worried, mama. What's on your mind?" 

"Do you remember how I talked about my best friend as a kid? " She asks softly. "And how we grew up, went to high school, college and university."

"Yeah, mama. I remember, why?"

"I was wondering how you felt about giving Brooke a middle name." She says quietly and avoids his gaze.

Jeremy sits on the edge of the bed next to her and puts his arm around her shoulders, kissing her head as she takes his hand into her lap and locks their fingers together.

"I think Alexis is a beautiful middle name, mama."

"Really?"Kathleen beams with excitement.

"Yeah, really."

She hugs him tight and kisses him softly several times on the lips and both of them end up laying together on the bed as they watch Brooke sleep peacefully. It's been such a long night, neither of them realised they had fallen asleep and luckily Brooke had slept through the whole night after being fed and changed. Already the new parents were exhausted and they still had a long time to go until they would ever sleep easy again.

 

Valerie and Lee Renner had cried at the sight of the newest edition to the family and promised to be back at visiting time once they had called everyone in the family. They both understood that Kathleen and baby Brooke needed to rest and trying to convince Jeremy to go with them to grab some breakfast was like trying to move the titanic from the ocean; impossible. Jeremy wanted to stay and did promise Kathleen he would at least go to the cafeteria and eat, even if it was a sandwich and some soup it would be enough to keep up his strength. But Jeremy refused to leave his wife's side and only did when the nurse gave him a row and told him to come back once he had a break. 

Outside, Jeremy had smoked three cigarettes and drank three cups of coffee as he stood with his parents, making the calls to friends and family that mother and baby were doing great. While Valerie went inside to browse the bunches of flowers in the small shop, Lee pulls his son aside and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"You've made me one proud dad, son." The aging Renner says with a pearly white grin. "How are you feeling?"

"Honestly? I feel....blessed, you know. To see such an amazing thing happen that we created and see her being brought into this world. It's the best feeling ever." 

"It's a feeling you never forget, holding your baby for the first time. But you know you have bigger responsibilities now that Brooke is here." The experienced father says gently. "You have to prioritise what's important."

"I know, dad. Kathleen and Brooke come first, they always will."

"Good." Lee says in agreement. "But you know it's going to be difficult leaving and coming back every time you have a movie to shoot."

"Yeah, I know. But we've already talked about it and we'll do the best we can."

"I don't think you get what I'm saying, Jeremy." Lee interupts. "You're a father now and you have responsibilities. You can't keep walking out and coming back into her life when you feel like it. It's not fair on Brooke to only see her dad when it suits you and it's not fair for Kathleen to raise her on her own."

"Come on, dad. Lots of kids grow up with both parents working. It's not like she's going to never have us around or go without."

"But she will grow up without parents." The older man says with a sigh. "I've always supported you and I don't regret a single time when I did, but this.....acting career and life of glamour and flying off around the world isn't any good for your daughter or your marriage."

"Dad, Katy and I have already talked about this and I'm going to be there every birthday, Christmas and school parents night. If I'm on a shoot, I'll fly back just for a few hours if I have to."

Lee Renner sighs in frustration and shakes his head as she shoves his hands into his pockets. He has always supported Jeremy with whatever decision he had made in life, but it's now different because Jeremy has his own daughter. 

"Jeremy, you can't have it both ways. How do you think Brooke is going to feel when she's growing up and you aren't there. How is it going to feel when you miss her first steps and hearing her first words or settling her down when she has a bad dream. You have a choice to make, son and I hope you make the right one. You cant have your career and be a father like how it should be."

Jeremy watches his father as he turns around and goes back inside to the cafeteria. He thinks about everything his father has said and lights up a second cigarette, sighing deeply. He knows his dad is just giving him some fatherly advice, but if he continued to work like he had been, would Brooke later resent him for it? Jeremy has a lot of thinking to do and wishes he could deal with this some other time.

 

Valerie wipes her eyes with a tissue as she cradles her newborn granddaughter in her arms, smiling down at her like she did with every other grandchild who she loves to the moon and back. 

"She's so precious." Valerie croaks, her voice thick with emotion and her open show of affection also has Kathleen in tears.

"I never thought it was possible to love someone this much."

"Loving someone as a partner and loving your child is completely different." Valerie answers as she smiles down at the infant again. "You would do anything for your child, make every sacrifice and sometimes you have to give them some tough love."

"That's great advice. I just hope I can live up to the motherly expectations."

Valerie tuts and rises from her seat and places Brooke in Kathleen's arms, leaning over and gently placing a kiss to her granddaughter and daughter-in-law's head.

"You're going to make mistakes as a parent and make a whole bunch of them. But the important thing is that you raise her to be a good person and that's all anyone can ask."

"Jeremy read those baby books." Kathleen says softly, afraid to speak too loud and wake up Brooke. 

"No baby is the same and it's typical of Jeremy to try and educated himself. Looking after his nieces and nephews is different from raising your own flesh and blood." 

"I think he gets scared sometimes." The new mother confesses. "I think he gets scared that he isn't doing his best for us."

"Lee was like that. He used to sit up almost all night and just watch the kids, making sure they were okay and he doted on them. He was terrified of making a mistake and the kids suffering because of it. But it's human to make mistakes, its how we learn. Maybe Brooke will grow up hating her dad's musical tastes and maybe she will disagree with everything you say when she is a teenager. But the important thing is that you let her make her own mistakes and love her no matter what and I know that won't ever be a problem." 

 

******

 

 

The head midwife and Kathleen had ganged up on Jeremy and sent him home to get some rest and they really did have to pull out all the stops when it came to convincing him. In the end, after some pleading from his wife, Jeremy eventually went home and took a microwaveable meal out of the freezer and made a few phonecalls while it cooked. It had been a long and tiring day filled with excitement and celebration, but now he could feel his energy levels depleting as he spooned out the chicken curry and rice onto a plate. Kathleen would go nuts at him if she discovered he had eaten one of those ready meals that are loaded with salt and meat scraps. She only ever kept one or two in the house and even that was under duress. Jeremy didn't mind them, although he preferred a real cooked dinner that took longer than ninety seconds. On his way home from the hospital he had stopped in at the florist's and bought one of the biggest bouquets he could find, along with a pink balloon and a stuffed teddy bear with a pink ribbon for Brooke. He is immensely proud and unbelievably happy at becoming a father and he wanted to scream it from the rooftops and once Kathleen and Brooke were allowed home, then he would release a statement. The last thing he wanted was everyone storming the hospital, particularly the paparazzi who had no shame over where or how they got their story. 

Jeremy is laying on the sofa with his arm over his head, surfing the channels for something boring to watch to help lull him over into a sleep and the chance of having an early night is thrown up into the air when the buzzer for the security gate sounds. Jeremy smiles to himself as he opens the door and his uninvited guest walks up the brightly lit driveway, carrying an adult sized Winnie The Pooh bear and a gift bag. He embraces Tyler in a brotherly hug and invites him inside, apologising for the mess that only the actor can seem to see. Tyler follows his mentor in and sets Winnie on the sofa, smiling.

"Congratulations, man." The young man grins. "So, how is the proud mom and baby doing?"

"Kathleen' s doing fine and Brooke.....well, she's beautiful just like her mom."

"Good thing she doesn't look like you." Tyler adds with a laugh and Jeremy mirrors it as he goes into the fridge and hands him a beer. "And how's the proud dad doing?"

Jeremy sits down on the sofa with a content sigh and takes a small sip of beer, still grinning as he remembers holding Brooke in his arms for the first time.

"I can't believe she's finally here" He says with a chuckle. "All that waiting and worrying and now, our little angel is finally here. I didn't want to leave the hospital."

"I can't wait to see a picture of her."

"Why don't you come to the hospital? ' He asks and nods towards the huge Winnie The Pooh. "Kathleen would love to see you and that way you can give Brooke her teddy yourself."

"Seriously? I don't want to just waltz in when it's family time."

"You are family." Jeremy says firmly. "At least to us you are. How's the rehearsing going?"

"It's okay. I had a few problems with a coworker though."

"What kind of problems?"The actor asks curiously as he rubs his chin. 

"Oh, this guy who is playing my character's best friend won't share the dressing room with me or do anything that's in the script, like touching the same things."

"I hope he's got a good reason for it." Jeremy adds.

"It's because I'm gay. I think he thinks I'm going to come up and touch him or try to come onto him or something. He called me a disease."

"An asshole is what he is." The actor says with bitterness in his voice."So what's the producer going to do about this guy's bullshit?"

Tyler sighs sadly and looks away from his mentor. He knew it was going to be difficult as being accepted as a homosexual actor, but he didn't expect the kind of treatment he had been given.

"We either work out our differences or my role is being given to someone else." The young man shrugs as he explains. 

"They can't do that to you. You've been working your ass off for this opportunity and now they're telling you that you either change or they'll get someone else to do it? That's not right."

"I should be used to the throwbacks." Tyler mumbles.

Jeremy shakes his head in disgust and tries to figure out a way to stop Tyler from losing his role, because the guy he is working with is going to have a problem regardless if they sort things out and the producer knows it. In some circles, anything other than a heterosexual sexuality still isn't accepted and not something to be boasted around, but Jeremy never has seen how a person's preference to men or women made them incapable of doing their job. If an employer refused to hire someone on those grounds, the employer would find himself sued until the day he died. 

"Whose the producer?" Jeremy asks sudddnly, brushing his fingers through his hair.

"Walter Heston."

"Seriously?" The actor asks with surprise."That guy is just a drunk looking to make a quick buck. He was in prison for six years because he conned an old lady into signing over everything she had so he could fund his so called career. How did you get to work for him?"

 

For the next twenty minutes, Tyler goes on to explain how he had seen the advertisement for someone to act as the creative role of Dennis Watts and Tyler had contacted the person who placed the advertisement. He was then invited to attend an audition that did look a little low-budget compared to his other auditions, but the aspiring actor figured he had nothing to lose. Tyler then explains to Jeremy what was expected from him and anyone else on the project, a commitment of two hundred dollars yo cover the cost of renting the old studio and the added cost of lunches and meals. But that wasn't the worst part. Everyone had to buy their own props and leave any positions of employment whilest on the project. Furious, Jeremy had called his lawyer to look into what could be done to stop Walter Heston from praying on vulernable people and most importantly, to somehow get Tyler his money back.

***

Brooke had been up twice during the night for a feed and every time she made a noise, Kathleen checked on her and scolded herself for being so paranoid. Being in a ward with three other new mom's made her stay go a little smoother because she had company. Two of the other mom's were sharing stories on their children who were happily growing up and Kathleen couldn't help but smile at the happimness in their voices and the proud gleam in their eyes. After giving Brooke a bottle, Kathleen went into the bathroom and had a bath to ease the aching that only being in labour could produce and when she came back out, dressed in fresh pyjamas and her robe, Brooke was awake and starting to fuss. 

"You can't be hungry already." She coos and asks the nurse for a bottle. "Let's get you all fed and clean for daddy coming in."

 

After bathing Brooke and dressing her in a pink baby grow, Kathleen sits in the comfortable chair and reads her book in between chatting to the other new mom's. She let's out a giggle as she sees a large Winnie the Pooh pass the box window that looks out onto the corridor and nurses station and Jeremy emerges into the room with Tyler. Jeremy instantly leans over and presses a kiss to his wife's lips and then kisses his daughter's forehead. 

'How's my two girls doing?"

"Your daughter has one healthy appetite." She says with a smile."She's going to make us bankrupt if she keeps going like this. But she missed her daddy."

"She's really beautiful." Tyler says as he hands the gift bag to Kathleen."It's not much, just a few things really."

"Oh Tyler, thank you so much." She beams as she pulls out various little outfits for newborn babies. " These are gorgeous and you went to so much trouble. Thank you." 

While Kathleen and Tyler talk, Jeremy closes his eyes with Brooke resting against his chest and he knows that nothing could replace how he feels right now, the unconditional love and pride is stronger for Brooke than any other emotion he has felt and as he kisses her head, he makes her a promise that he will always be there. No matter what.


	10. Escape to comfort

Becoming parents for the first time is always a nervous and anxious time and that feeling really doesn't stop if the family continues to flourish and grow. Any first time parent will know exactly how it feels to be scared to hold your own child, afraid of dropping the baby and generally treating it like fragile glass is something every parent goes through and as time goes on, they learn and it supposedly becomes easier with time. Even first time parents are equally just as nervous with their second or third child and this time they just have a better understanding on how to do things second time around. There are no manuals to a baby, no set guidelines that must be followed because every child is unique and different in their own right, but what any child must have is the parental support and unconditional love, to have food on the table and a roof over their head and to have their parents when they really need them. That is a parent's concrete duty and anything else is a bonus.

Jeremy and Kathleen had talked for hours, late into the night and early mornings on how they would raise their child and they both agreed that their son or daughter wouldn't have a religion forced upon them, but morals to guide them in later life and to them their child how to be a good person. Another thing they also agreed on was that their child wouldn't be treated any differently to any other child their age, even though he child's father is an actor. All that really meant was that they would need to be more careful with who their son or daughter associated with, but they would always have a discreet eye looking out for them. The couple also agreed on that their child would never know what it would be like to go hungry or miss out on opportunities, but they wouldn't hand everything to their child on a silver platter. When the child was old enough they would earn pocket no eyes and save up like regular kids for vacations and be encouraged to take on a paper round after school, be encouraged to follow whatever dream the child had at the time and support them, regardless if things worked out or didn't. Kathleen and Jeremy saw these as heir guidelines, their morals of how they want to raise their child and no one said it was ever going to be easy, but the good things in life rarely are. 

The truth is, no one ever knows how their child is going to turn out, but all any parent can do is pick their child up when they fall and give them a pat on the back when they succeed and that happens no matter the age. It's a parent's duty to simply love, guide, teach and protect. 

***

"Someone's a sleepy girl." Jeremy says with a wide smile, resting his daughter against his chesy as he looks over at Kathleen from the window who is snoozing in the hospital bed.

"She was only up once for a feed and I was worried when she didn't start crying at six."

"You look tired, mama." He says softly and sits on the edge of the bed. "You really should try and get some sleep."

"I can't seem to settle. The nurse said it's pretty normal, but everyone else goes into comas until their baby cries." 

Jeremy chuckles and presses a kiss to his daughter's head, inhaling the scent of the fragrant baby shampoo and last night, he and Kathleen had given Brooke her first ever bath. They had both cried as she wailed, screaming until she was tucked back I to the pyjama suit and bundled tightly in a blanket and given to mom to have her bed time feed.

"You'll feel alot better once we get you two home."

"You're right, I'm sorry for sounding bitchy." She apologises and rubs her forehead, willing the headache she has suffered from all day to simply vanish. "And going home to my own bed sounds wonderful."

"And you're sexy husband."

"And my sexy husband." She giggles as she says it and he winks at her."How could I ever forget my husband?"

"There's no way I would let you."

"I know you wouldn't...pop." She smiles with a sense of overwhelming adoration and she swears she can see his eyes water when she calls him pop. "Will you be okay with her until I take another shower? I hate smelling like a hospital."

"You are in one."

"I know that, smart ass." She laughs as she swats at his arm on her way past and grabs her things and leaves Jeremy on daddy duty.

While Kathleen showers, Jeremy uses his time alone with Brooke to absorb every feature of her tiny little body, right down to the way her tiny fists grab onto his finger to her button nose. He never thought it would be possible to feel this much love towards someone and there's no denying his love for his wife, but the love for a child is something totally different and it's unbreakable.

 

The house is silent and in darkness when Jeremy returns home and he toes off his shoes with a happy sigh as he sets the burglar alarm and makes himself a stiff drink. He had spent the entire day at the hospital and even managed to convince Kathleen to take a nap, going down to the small store into he foyer for bottles of soda and snacks, even some packets of sandwiches if the meals weren't up to much, but she tried to reassure him that she was fine. At eight-thirty, the head nurse had practically thrown him out and ordered him to have some hot food and some sleep and that his wife and child would still be there tomorrow. Kathleen had laughed as he tried to sweet talk the nurse for just five more minutes and in the end she had given in because of his truly charming and flattering nature, but five minutes later she did literally kick him out.  
Jeremy yawns as he waits for his laptop to boot up and he sips at his drink as he switches the TV over to a news channel. He yawns again as his fingers dance over the keys in soft clicks and he rests his chin on his hand as he goes to the important folder of his emails.

Taking time off never really meant taking time off, and just because he was taking some personal time didn't mean his email folder could be inundated with offers of projects and work from his agent or the director themselves. It's flattering, to be so much in demand he was going from one role to the next in a matter of months, but his priorities had changed and he knew this would please his father. Jeremy doesn't reply to any of the twelve emails and closes down the laptop, raising his feet onto the edge of the coffee table as he sips his drink and for once his mind isn't soley focussed on acting, but getting his daughter home and being a dad.

 

The trill of the ringing house phone stirs Jeremy from slumber and he groans as he reaches for it, feeling his back crack and his neck muscles tighten with effort. He really shouldn't have fallen asleep on the sofa, but it's too late to worry about that now. He rubs his tired eyes and stifles a yawn.

"Hello?"

"Hi, baby." Kathleen says happily on the other end of the phone. "Did I wake you up?"

"Yeah, I fell asleep on the sofa last night. How's my two girls doing?"

"We're doing just fine, Jeremy." She answers. "Actually, I have some good news I thought you would be dying to know."

"What's that?"

"Well, when you come in later for visiting you'll need yo bring the baby seat." She pauses and giggles, blurring it out. "We're being sent home since we're both okay."

"That's great, mama. That's really great. I can't wait."

"You won't be saying that when we're woken up god knows how many times in a night." She reminds her husband.

"How did Brooke sleep last night?"

Jeremy sits back and gets himself comfortable, excitement buzzing at the bringing his girls home.

"She was out like a light after you left and she woke up for a feed at five-thirty."

"Sounds like our little princess is too much like her mom." He grins and can't resist teasing her."Does she wake everyone up with their snoring?"

"You're pushing it, Renner and I don't snore. I just have problems exhaling air."

"Sure you do, Katy." He chuckles with her, sighing. "I really miss you."

"I miss you too, baby and we'll be ready to go as soon as you get here. I love you."

"Love you too." He says into the phone and hangs up. It's going to be one seriously long wait until the visiting hours.

***

The main hospital corridors of the foyer are busy with visitors coming and going as Jeremy tips the ball cap over his eyes, holding onto the baby carrier. He weaves in and out the clusters of visitors and patients as they go in and out the various small stores on the ground level, some just using the time to get out of the ward for a while. Jeremy squeezes himself into the elevator and the floral scent of flowers attacks his nose as the person in front of him seems intent on them being inserted into someone's nasal cavity, and after a stop at the second floor, Jeremy is relieved to get off and wanders casually with a shit-eating grin down the corridor to maternity.

Already a group of relatives are waiting to be let into the ward and Jeremy impatiently checks the time, tapping his foot to an imaginary beat and the truth is that he's just desperate to see his wife and daughter. The doors are finally opened and it's like a flood of people pass the nurse who had the sense to get out of the way or be trampled on and when he reaches Kathleen's ward, he chuckles.

The first thing Jeremy notices is the packed overnight bag that is on the end of the bed and how Kathleen is wrapping up Brooke in a blanket and adjusting the little hat to keep her warm.

"I swear I thought you were never going to get here." She says as she kisses him on the lips as a hello. 

"How long have you two been ready?"

"Since I called you." Kathleen laughs and smiles as he picks up Brooke who is still sound asleep and looking very cosy. "I just wanted to get home and time felt like it had stopped. Let's go home, my wonderful husband."


	11. Rain On My Parade

Together Jeremy and Kathleen had given Brooke her first bath at home in the kitchen sink and tried to soothe her cries, but naturally as soon as she was wrapped in a towel she settled down and took a feed before being put down to bed. They wanted to have a routine as much as possible and had agreed that even when Brooke grew and developed she would be in a routine then too. The last thing they wanted was for Brooke to be one of those kids who ruled the roost and did whatever she pleased because her parents simply couldn't say no to her demands. The couple's views on raising their child were identical and that made it so much easier, especially when the terrible two's came around and Brooke would try their patience on so many levels. Jeremy and Kathleen had agreed on everything and enjoyed spending quality time with one another and most importantly, Brooke.

****

Jeremy is sitting in the recliner with his feet up and his chin dropped onto his chest as he snores softly, a thick script open in his lap and his glasses have slid down his nose. He wakes with a jolt when Kathleen shakes him gently awake and he looks at her concerned until the smell attacks his sense of smell. 

"You are one stinky girl." He says with a chuckle as he kisses his daughter's head.

"I figured this would be a job for daddy since mommy doesn't have a strong stomach first thing in the morning."

"Daddy doesn't mind, does he baby girl?" He coos with affection as he grabs the changing mat and everything else he needs to complete his task and once it's done, he clips the snaps of the sleeper suit back together. "There we go. That's all better."

"You're amazing with her. She's so lucky to have you for a daddy."

"And we're both incredibly lucky to have you in our lives." He says with an enormous smile.

Kathleen smiles and runs her fingers through his soft hair, continuing to smile down at her husband and darling daughter who is happily content in her daddy's arms. She can't get enough of looking at her daughter, a miniature version of them both combined and she wonders what Brooke is going to be like as she gets older, going through the terrible two's and preschool and up the education ladder, then being taught how to drive and celebrating her first legal drink at the age of twenty-one. All those little occasions swirl with excitement as she shudders at the thought of seeing her daughter getting married, feeling like she's losing a big part of her life and that feeling will be replaced with her then doting on any grandchildren who she will bake for and cherish like she did Brooke.

Jeremy presses his lips to Brooke's forehead and smiles as she makes a small noise. This is what parenthood is all about, loving and forgiving and guiding their child in the best possible way.

 

***

 

Kathleen is vacuuming the sitting room as she listens to the evening news, glad of a little peace and quiet since Jeremy has gone to help Tyler with a new audition and Brooke asleep upstairs. It feels good to have that little bit of time to herself and she knows Jeremy appreciates it too, even if it is for just a few hours once a week. The night before, Kathleen had met up with a few colleagues from the practice and enjoyed a light lunch and a few nonalcoholic cocktails in a new cocktail lounge and after thoroughly enjoying her time away, she missed Brooke terribly and called it a night. She had been surprised to find Brooke bathed and in bed by seven and Jeremy sitting on the sofa warning a basketball game with a beer and a snack. They took the opportunity to have an early night and woke up feeling refreshed the next morning. Life simply couldn't get any better and neither of them would change a single thing about how their lives are, complete and happy. 

 

She climbs the stairs with a basket of laundry balanced on her hip, the chores of a mother and wife are never done and she is quickly starting to believe that there is no rest for the wicked. She pushes open Brooke's bedroom door and goes over to the dresser, putting away the all in-one sleep suits and little outfits that family and friends had been given as gifts. With a wide grin, she peers into the crib and Kathleen's face changes as the basket of freshly ironed laundry falls to the floor as she scoops up her daughter, fumbling with her cell.

"911, what's your emergency?" The dispatcher asks in a calm authoritive tone.

"My baby....please....hurry....she's not breathing...."


	12. The Hospital

Everyone has to shout over the music to be heard and even then it sounds like a whisper, people having to press their mouths to other's ears to be heard. Surprisingly, it has been a good night all round and neither Jeremy or Tyler wanted it to end, but at some point it would have to. Jeremy scans the groups of people who are clustered together around the bar and smiles as Tyler brings over a tray of drinks, including a few shots. 

"To fatherhood!" Tyler toasts with a grin and raises his bottle in the air and clinks it off Jeremy.

"To stress and worry for the rest of my life!"

Both men laugh and take a sip of their drinks, moving closer together just to hear the other talk. They are having a good night and for some reason Jeremy checks his cell and panic registers in his eyes as he looks at the list of missed calls and text messages, several from his mom and even more from Kathleen. Tyler notices the change in his friend.

"What's wrong?"

"Kathleen's had to take Brooke to hospital" Jeremy says as he reads the text message from his mom and gets up, grabbing his coat. "I need to go."

Tyler finishes his drink as Jeremy literally runs from their table and he's never once seen his mentor look so worried and he imagines that the baby will have some kind of fever, not realising that the trip to the hospital could have been serious.

**

"And where have you been?" Valerie Renner asks quickly, emotional and distraught as her son comes through the private waiting room door. "I've been trying to get hold of you for the last hour!"

"I couldn't hear my cell." He answers sheepishly and the rush of panic had sobered him up, even if he did stink like a bar. "What's going on?"

Valerie's temper depletes as she looks over at Kathleen who hasn't said a single word since his arrival, sitting on the sofa with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. 

He goes to her and gently touches her knee.

"Katy?" His tone is soft. "What's wrong with Brooke? Where's Brooke?"

His wife doesn't answer so Valerie steps in and puts her hand on Jeremy's shoulder.

"When she checked on Brooke.....she wasn't breathing. They managed to resuscitate her in the ambulance and we're waiting for the doctor."

"Oh God." He says as his eyes fill with tears. "Katy, she's going to be okay. She's a fighter like you and she's going to be just fine."

"Can you promise that?" Kathleen asks as tears silently trickle down her cheeks. "Can you promise that she's going to be fine?"

"I promise." He says in reassurance. "I promise."

Valerie sighs softly and wipes the tears from her eyes and stares at one of the posters on the wall. She is partly angry with her son that he is making that kind of promise and yet she understands why the harsh and brutal reality of the situation hasn't occurred to him. None of them want to believe that Brooke might not make it. No parent ever wants to believe that their child is going to die.   
The anxious parents and grandmother sit in silence in the private waiting room for relatives and every conceivable thought of tragedy is running through their minds, but they remain hopeful. Nether the three of them has confessed their fears of losing Brooke and none of them want to either, simply because they want and need Brooke to make it. Jeremy gets up and starts pacing, walking from one side of the room to the other and back as Valerie flicks through a dogeared magazine, Kathleen just stares at the floor as tears burn her eyes.

"Will you sit down for goodness sake!" Kathleen snaps suddenly, taking her husband and mother in law by surprise. "Don't you think I'm on edge enough without you going back and forth every ten seconds. Damn it, Jeremy."

He looks at his wife and returns to his seat next to her, resting his forearms on his knees as he leans over and sucks anxiously on the inside of his lip. He can't take this waiting, this not knowing is driving him crazy.

"I'll go get us some coffee." Valerie says as she digs her purse out of her bag and leaves the married couple alone.

A small silence comes over them and Kathleen is the first to break the awkwardness that's fallen between them.

"I'm sorry for snapping." She says, on the verge of tears. "I'm just so worried about Brooke and no one has come and said how she is."

"I know, baby. As soon as mom's back I'll go see what's going on."

"This is all my fault." She admits finally as she mentally and physically falls apart.

"Woah. Katy, don't say that. None of this is your fault."

"It is." She cries. "I should have checked on her sooner. I should have known that something was wrong and I didn't. I'm a terrible mother."

"Kathleen, I need you to listen to me. You are not a terrible mother and there's no way you could have known that this would happen."

"I should have known!" She protests angrily. "I should have known!"

"Baby, there was no way you could have known. Don't do this to yourself, please."

She nods in reply as Valerie comes in with a cardboard holder and three cups of coffee.

"Any news?" Valerie asks, looking hopeful as Jeremy shakes his head."There's sugar in both for shock."

"Thanks, mom." Jeremy answers with a wary smile as Kathleen curls up in his arms.

They want to know what is going on and their desperation for information is growing by the second, not knowing is an agonising thing to have to go through and they don't wish it on their worst enemy.

It feels as if time is standing still and none of them can bare it any longer and all three adults jump up in unison when a doctor and a nurse enter the room. 

Jeremy and Kathleen are babbling over each other, throwing a million different questions at the medics as their stomachs churn with dread and their hearts race frantically.

"Mr and Mrs Renner, I'm doctor Brownning and I've been looking after Brooke." The medic introduces himself. "Please, take a seat."

All three of the Runner's do so and look at the doctor expectantly for good news. All the waiting comes down to this agonising moment.

"I'm very sorry, but Brooke didn't  
respond to the treatment and she passed away a few minutes ago."


	13. "Hold on if you feel like letting go."

They had sobbed hysterically until there were no more tears left to come, their souls destroyed with the pain and anguish of losing their baby daughter who was so perfect and beautiful. For hours they sat crying together as they held the tot in their arms, wishing that the doctor had made some kind of mistake and as the hours passed they realised that little Brooke really was gone. Valerie had called a friend to drive them back to Jeremy and Kathleen's and she had insisted on taking a cab home, but Jeremy wouldn't allow it. He made up the spare bedroom and then called the family doctor to give Kathleen something to help her sleep and within an hour of taking the medication, she was out cold in their bed, hugging Brooke's first teddy bear tightly to her chest. Jeremy had sat at the kitchen table and sobbed into his hands, convinced he could hear his daughter's cries and he even went upstairs to check on her to only break down in front of the crib when he realised that she hadn't been crying at all.

In the days that followed the Renner's tragedy, they were bombarded with calls of sympathy from friends and family and harassed by the media who had somehow found out about their loss. Jeremy had lost his temper at the group of reporters who were camping outside the front gates and he punched one of them, knocking the reporter out cold. Jeremy had never been a violent man, but his actions were excused by the authorities as an act of stupidity while consumed with anguish and grief. Valerie had offered to stay with her son and daughter in law even though her own heart was breaking for Brooke, but they needed her and she could at least try and look after them. She had found Jeremy passed out on the sofa every morning since the tragedy and she could see it was taking a toll on her family, but the grieving process of losing a child wouldn't be over for a long time and she accepted that, but she just wished she could do at least something. She felt so useless and felt like her whole world was falling apart and in reality it was.

****

An empty bottle of Jack Daniels sits next to an overflowing ashtray and the rumbling, drunken snores vibrate throughout the lower level of the house. Valerie sighs softly with tears in her eyes and puts a blanket over him and leans down to kiss his forehead. He hadn't shaved in days and it was a struggle to get either parent to eat, literally having to force it down their throats was a lot easier in theory. Valerie goes into the kitchen and makes a pot of coffee and is surprised to see Kathleen standing in the doorway, looking absolutely terrible with messy hair and dark smudges under her eyes. She looks stoned from the sleeping pills and looks gaunt and frail, the life having literally been sucked out of her.

"I made some coffee." The older woman says as she grabs a second cup from the dishwasher and pours the hot liquid into it. 

"Thank you."

Valerie eyes Kathleen carefully as she sets the mug on the table and watches her as she gingerly sits down, her hands shaking and her eyes looking like orbs that are filled with darkness. Kathleen notices the empty bottle and sniffles. She and Jeremy hadn't spoken about their loss in great detail, but were there for when they needed each other. A sadness creeps even deeper into her soul as all the what if's and could have been's swirl like a twister in her mind, every thought of self doubt and hope crashing together until reality hit her again.

"Don't do it to yourself, Kathleen."

"What?" The younger woman croaks as she wraps her hand around the mug.

"I said don't do it to yourself, blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done and you couldn't have prevented this."

"I should have known, Val." Kathleen answers. "I should have known....that something was wrong....with my baby..."

Valerie hugs her as she sobs into her shoulder and the older woman tries to offer words of comfort, but she is too overtaken by the tremendous heartache that had been swelling inside of her.

"He hates me."

"Who hates you?" The emotional mother in law asks.

"Jeremy. I killed his baby. I killed our daughter."

"Oh, sweetheart." Valerie cries."Jeremy doesn't hate you, he loves you and you didnt....kill Brooke. You heard what the doctor said, she had problems with her lungs and they weren't coping."

"He said it was a possibility. He said that the....oh god....the post mortem would tell us what happened. They're going to think I...that I....murdered my baby."

"No one thinks that." Valerie answers firmly. "No one is ever going to think that. You and Jeremy loved Brooke with all your hearts and she was one very special little girl to have you as parents, but don't you ever think you did anything wrong."

"Jeremy thinks that."

"Kathleen, Jeremy would never ever think that." She says seriously and yet she can understand her conviction that Jeremy does. "Jeremy loves you and he knows that you would rather die than have anything happen to Brooke."

"I just.....I don't know what to say to him."

"You need to talk to him." Valerie says sympathetically. "You two need to talk and stop locking each other out. You are both going to get through this, but you need to do it together."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't you dare apologise, sweetheart. There's nothing to be sorry for." The older woman says.

"She was your granddaughter too."

"I know, and I miss her terribly and it breaks my heart." She confesses. "But I know that she was taken for some reason and I don't know why, but I believe these things are meant to happen."

"I wish I had that outlook."

"I know." Valerie says sadly. "Let's get some breakfast into you."

 

The smell of cooked food wafts through to the sitting room and the amplified noise thanks to a killer hangover makes Jeremy groan as he pulls the blanket over his head. He doesn't want to wake up. He doesn't want to muddle through each and every day from now on and he desperately wants to hold Brooke in his arms. The clatter of plates being set down makes him sigh as he sits up, holding his head in his hands and then he wanders off to the kithen, staggering a little as the smell of food churns his stomach. Valerie gives him a knowing look and he squeezes Kathleen's shoulder gently as he passes to go to the fridge, his thirst badly needing quenhed. 

"I'm going to take a shower." Valerie says and gives Kathleen a knowing look. "And then I'm going to get in some groceries."

Kathleen and Jeremy share a very brief exchange of glancing at one another as he sits down at the table next to her, watching her with sad eyes.

"You don't look so good." She says and finally looks up at him.

"I've got the mother of all hangovers."

"I'm not surprised." She says quietly and eyes the empty bottle.

"Katy, we...uh...I think we need to...talk."

Kathleen had been dreading this and sucks in a deep breath, nodding as she swallows the hard lump of emotion in her throat. She wants to turn back time and she wishes that she had checked on Brooke sooner.

"Baby, I...I know you're blaming yourself." He says as he focuses on the table top. "But you need to know that Brooke....that what happened wasn't your fault." 

"You...you're not mad at me?"

"Katy, I could never be mad at you. Especially over something like this, which wasn't your fault." He takes her hands in his and kisses both hands. "I won't let you blame yourself."

"It is my fault. I should have checked on her and I didn't. I should have got to the hospital quicker. I should have done CPR."

Jeremy wraps his arms around her as she becomes hysterical, his own cheeks a canvas for the trickling tears.

"Shhh, its okay. You're okay."

"I should have done something!" Kathleen wails. "I was her mother. I'm supposed to protect her and I couldn't. I should have saved her!"

"Don't, baby. You did nothing wrong and you heard what the doctor said, we can't watch her twenty-four hours a day."

"I just feel so fucking guilty." She sobs.

"We both do."

She looks up at him, confused as he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand.

"You have nothing to feel guilty about."

"Yes, I do." He admits and he is suddenly overwhelmed by the grief and emotion. "I shouldnt't have gone out. I should have just stayed at home and maybe...maybe I could have done something. She falls....fell asleep on my chest and I've spent hours watching her sleep....I would have noticed. I should have been here."

 

No more words are spoken that morning and the house was filled with their agonising cries of loss as they held onto each other. When Valerie returned from the grocery store, she called the doctor who gave both Jeremy and Kathleen sedatives and she was warned that they could be out for hours or even days. As a mother, she knew it sounded cruel to have them to take such medication like that, but she feared that one of them or even both of them would mentally break down and that would be the end of it. They needed rest to accept what had happened and while they operated on lack of sleep, hardly any food, sleeping pills and alcohol, she knew she made the right decision.

*****

A chill kisses his skin and rouses him from the drug induced sleep, his head pounding as a side-effect and it matches the deep ache in his chest, the hollow feeling he's harbouring is a painful reminder as soon as he opens his eyes and realises that the last few days wasn't just a bad dream. Jeremy moves onto his side and watches Kathleen sleep, just gazing at her and he wishes he could take her pain away. She had cried in her sleep and he had whispered to her, hugging her tightly to let her know that she wasn't alone and that he doesn't blame her like she is blaming herself. He can see the torment in her face as she sleeps and very gently he kisses her forehead and gets up, heading into the bathroom to shower and shave. 

After it, he realises that he doesn't feel any fresher and makes.some coffee, feeling his stomach churn at the thought of food. He squeezes his eyes shut when he notices the little pink all in one suit on the back of a chair and he tries to stop the tears from coming.

"Jeremy, it's five thirty." Kathleen says, groggily in the door way.

"I couldn't sleep. Did I wake you?"

"No, I had to use the bathroom." She says and crosses over to him into his open arms, laying her head against his chest. "Just.....hold me for a little while longer."

"I'm not going anywhere." 

Her eyes close as she listens to his beating heart and she clings onto his. T-shirt, scared that he too is going to disappear in front of her.

"Are you hungry?" He asks softly, his cheek pressed against the top of her head.

"I don't think I could stomach anything."

"You need to eat something, mama." He answers. "Even a little scrambled egg and toast? I don't care if you finish it, but it's something."

"Okay, scrambled egg and toast it is."

Jeremy presses a final kiss to her head and ushers her to one of the stools at the breakfast bar and turns to make his wife breakfast. As he whisks up two eggs and slices decently cut slices of bread, he feels a hand on the small of his back.

"You're not having anything?" She asks curiously.

"No, I'm not that hungry. I'll grab something later."

"You need to eat." She says and then adds. "That's what you keep telling me."

"I don't think I would keep it down." 

"Then we're both in the same boat." She says sadly. "Come on, we'll share and then....see how things go."

He nods and assembles their breakfast, both of them only managing a few mouthfuls and they sit in silence, just holding each other's hand when Valerie comes in. He older woman looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders as she sips some coffee and sits down.

"Everything okay, mom?" He asks his mother.

"Yes, fine."

Kathleen and Jeremy shared a look of scepticism and they knew Valerie had something on her mind.

"I...I'm not sure how to bring this up." Valerie admits quietly, her voice quivering a little.

"Just say it, mom."

"Well, I've.....been thinking about how to say this and I think....I think we need to start making arrangements." The eldest Renner says. "For the funeral."

Kathleen and Jeremy grow quiet and they know deep down that burying Brooke is the final act, the last form of contact they will have with her.

"I shouldn't have said anything." Valerie says dismissively 

"Mom, it's okay." Jeremy says, putting on a brave face. "You're right. We need to make the arrangements, even though we don't really want to -"

"It has to be done." Kathleen adds suddenly. "She deserves a proper....funeral with everyone who loved her. I'm going to go upstairs for a bit."

Valerie and her son share a worried glance as Kathleen retreats upstairs, and once in the privacy of her bedroom, she sobs into her pillow. She really doesn't want to say goodbye and wants to wake up from this nightmare. 

 

She wants her baby back.


	14. This Is Goodbye...

The post mortem examination into the sudden death of Brooke Renner was finally over after three weeks of waiting. In that time, Jeremy and Kathleen rarely showed themselves in public and refused to answer any questions unless it was through Jeremy's agent and even then, the grieving couple were still sent uncopious amounts of flowers, cards with kind words and gift baskets. Finally, the Renner's were allowed to make the arrangements for little Brooke and agreed that a small private affair was what they wanted and refused to let anyone from the media in the small church or at the wake where everyone would gather after the ceremony. Valerie had organised a security detail to make sure that no uninvited guests intruded on the saddest day of their lives. However, Jeremy and Kathleen had issued a small statement to thank everyone for their kind words and left it at that and also disclosed that Brooke had passed away from respiratory problems and an undiagnosed lung condition, which was the official cause of death in the coroner's report. The Renner's would always wonder whether something could have been done to save little Brooke, if she could have been saved if they knew her lungs were underdeveloped and was given medicine to fight the weakness. But they would always wonder what might have been for the rest of their lives.

*****

Soft music plays in the background as friends and family of the Renner's gather together in Jeremy and Kathleen's home, everyone saddened and grieving together as a family should when tragedy befalls them. The family unit pulls together to help the devastated couple get through one of the hardest days of their lives and will keep on being there, regardless of the denials and the brave faces they put on. 

Valerie wraps the black cardigan tighter around her body as she approaches Jeremy who is standing in the yard, smoking a cigarette with his back to the house. She gently places her hand on his shoulder and feels him sigh in defeat as he squints up into the baby blue sky. He had been out in the yard since people started arriving and he turns to his mother, feeling numb all over as she fights for her own composure.

"It's time to go, Jeremy. We need to get going. I'll go tell Kathleen."

"I'll do it." He says quickly, his voice raw and cracked with emotion. "I'll get her."

Valerie nods and turns, going inside to gather friends and family and lead them outside into the awaiting cars as Jeremy goes in search of Kathleen. He finds her sitting in Brooke's room, surrounded with pink and clutching the teddy bear she had put in the crib with her daughter, stroking the blanket Brooke had come home in from the hospital. He kneels down next to her and covers her moving hand with his, his eyes searching for his wife that is now a shell and filled with despair. 

"We need to go, Katy. We need to say goodbye."

"I don't think I can." She whispers."I'm not ready to say goodbye. I don't want to."

"I know. I don't want to say it either, but we have to be there for Brooke."

"I miss her, Jeremy." She sobs uncontrollably. "I miss our baby. I want her back. I can't live without her."

Jeremy feels his wife collapse into his arms as they hold each other, their fists grasping each other's clothes and their anguished cries is the only noise in the room. Kathleen buries her face into his neck and feels his body shake with every painful sob and they sit there, on the floor holding each other and they don't want to let each other go.

"It's going to be okay." He whispers, rubbing her back as his grip tightens around her. "We're going to get through today, I promise."

"And what about tomorrow? And then the day after that? What about next month or even next year?"

"We'll take every day one step at a time and I'm going to make sure we're okay." He answers through his tears, a little taken aback by her outburst.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Jeremy."

 

The car ride to the small church was painfully slow and neither Jeremy or Kathleen had exchanged any words with anyone or each other. What made the journey a little easier was that the media and nosey reporters were held back by police officers and even their friends and relatives were asked questions by the mob. But the couple held onto each other for dear life every second.

Tears spill down their cheeks in a violent torrent at the soft of the tiny white coffin with pink flowers painted on the side. Kathleen clings to Jeremy as they cry openly together and try to comfort each other silently, but it's no use because the couple are inconsolable. Jeremy stifles a sob when he looks at the coffin and tries to force out the thoughts he's having, thinking about how dark it is and how cold she must be and before he knows it, he is walking up the small aisle and collapses to his knees in front of the congregation. Valerie and Kathleen are amongst several of the family members who rush to his side, holding him as his body shakes and shudders.

"She's not dead....she can't be dead....she was fine.." His emotional ramblings of devastation sound out amongst the soft murmurs.

"She's gone, Jeremy." Valerie says sternly and she rubs his back. "Brooke is gone. It's time to say goodbye."

***

Flowers make the graveyard look pleasant and almost cheerful,and for anyone who has ever been to the part of the grounds that is kept for children knows that the gifts that are left from parents is heartbreaking. A white marble headstone stands amongst the luscious grass and the mourners who have gathered cry quietly together around the open grave. Jeremy stares down into the hole and feels his stomach lurch, his hand squeezing Kathleen's as she sobs and tries to stop herself from jumping in with Brooke. No one really knows how it feels to lose a child unless they have been there and even the most discompassionate of people would find the scene taking place harrowing. Kathleen drops the teddy on top of the white polished wood and spreads out the blanket, earning a few quizzical glances in her direction, but Jeremy understands and so does most of the mourners.  
Even once the ceremony is over, Jeremy and Kathleen both fall to their knees and hold each other as they say heir final goodbyes to little Brooke. 

"I'm sorry." He says suddenly, his voice raspy as he clutches a fist full of grass. "I'm so sorry. In so so sorry."


	15. Moving On

Six months ago, Jeremy and Kathleen had buried their baby daughter and even though time had passed, both of them were finding it difficult to cope with their loss. For the first few days after the burial, they clung to each other like glue and soon drifted apart and retreated into a silent grief of their own and spoke very little to one another, six months on things were as bad as ever. Kathleen and Jeremy no longer shared the same bed or even slept in the same room, he had taken up residence on the sofa while his wife used an air matress on the floor of Brooke's room. It was like they were living separate lives and were ghosts in each others universe, but they would both crack under the grief and pressure and console each other before it settled back into the routine they had established. Life was simply moving on without them as Kathleen took more time off work and Jeremy punished himself in the gym, but there was only so much they could do to avoid living. But then the arguments between the couple started and ten times out of ten they were yelling at each other for silly things and this quickly became a way of life for them, constantly bickering and scoring points against the other and sometimes their arguments were so vicious they blamed each other for trivial matters. Their marriage was definitely suffering without a doubt and no one knew if the couple would be able to get back on track.

***

Her icy cold hands hold a mug of steaming hot tea and she leans against the doorframe as she watches her husband sleep, his hair messy and a few days worth of stubble peppering his face and she can't help but feel a pang of guilt as she eyes the blanket over the arm of the sofa. They hadn't shared a bed in months and spent their time apart as opposed together, both of then guilty for pushing the other away and everyone had said that this would happen, the way things got worse before they got better and as a psychiatrist, Kathleen also knew that such a tragedy happening in their lives would change them as a unit. Kathleen sets down her cup on the coffee table and gently runs her fingers through Jeremy's hair, stopping to take off his glasses that had slid down his nose before he had fallen asleep. She lifts the heavy script and marks the page before tossing the blanket over him, debating whether to kiss his cheek or to return to the kitchen and simply torture herself as she had been doing since the funeral. 

The sweetness of songbirds singing makes her choke on her emotions as she fights for composure and she fails when she sinks into one of the kitchen chairs with her head in her hands. For weeks all she has thought about is Brooke and nothing she has tried can take the pain away and suddenly she grows angry that Jeremy can just pick up his career where he left off, going out to bars and events without so much as a care for her and how she is doing. She calls him selfish and he probably calls names too behind her back, but despite how they feel they have both lost something important to them, their daughter.

"Hey." Jeremy says groggily from the kitchen door and she looks up, but avoids his gaze. "You want more tea or something?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

He frowns at her clipped tone and pours himself a cup of coffee,leaning against the worktop as he watches her.

"I was thinking we could take a walk later."

"I don't feel like going out." She says icily.

"Come on, mama. You need to get some fresh air and the walk will do you good. We can even go to that little ice-cream place you love so much."

"I don't want fresh air, Jeremy and I don't want to go walking or get some ice-cream." She tersely answers. "I just want to be left alone."

"Katy, you cant keep hiding away like this. You're going to make yourself sick or-"

"I don't need your advice!" She cuts him off and starts yelling. "Concern yourself with your own affairs and I'll do the same with mine."

Jeremy sighs and shakes his head, truly hurt by Kathleen's unprovoked explosion of temper and he rationalises that at least if she is yelling at him he is getting some kind of response.

"Do you have any idea how it feels to be stuck here every day while your life seems to move on?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asks, watching her.

"You know exactly what it means. You're walking around acting like nothing ever happened, that Brooke wasn't even here and we never lost her. It's all business as usual for Jeremy Renner."

"If we don't try and move on we're going to drive ourselves crazy!" He explains. 

"At least I act as if I care!"

"You think I don't miss her?" he demands, angry and hurt. "You really think I don't wake up in the middle of the night hearing her cry and when I go check on her she isn't there? or when I walk past her room I want to see her sleeping with her teddy or giving me the stinkiest diapers? I miss her, Katy even if you don't think I do. I wish I could turn back time and have her here with us, but that isn't going to happen and we have to accept that Brooke is gone."

Kathleen looks up at her husband, her whole body shrinking in defeat as she buries her face in her hands and let's the tears fall. She knows she is being irrational, hurtful to the one person who hasn't deserted her and this is how she's treating him, like he's the one to blame. She feels his arms wrap around her and she sinks into his warmth, breathing in his scent of soap and aftershave and cigarettes. Right now it's the best and most comforting smell in the world and she needs it.

"Jeremy....I shouldn't have said all that. I didn't mean it."

"I know, mama." He answers thoughtfully. "We're in this together and I'm sorry for using everything else as a distraction. I just wish things could be different."

"We can't keep living like this, Jeremy. All the stupid fights and arguments need to stop. We need professional help or we won't make it."

"We are going to make it." Jeremy says reassuringly and kisses her forehead as they rock gently from side to side. "We're going to be okay and we're going to get through this."

 

The rest of the day Jeremy had cancelled his plans and that included meeting with a producer who was keen to have him involved in his latest project. Jeremy explained that he wasn't feeling up to talking about such a big project so soon after losing his daughter and suggested several other colleagues who could take his place, but the producer was having none of if and insisted that he could wait until a more suitable time. Kathleen had broken down and cried in his arms most of the afternoon and for the first time in months they fell asleep thanks to mental exhaustion in one another's arms, both of them feeling a little less snowed under by their feelings that they tried to bury.

 

*** A Few Days Later***

"I met Tyler at the grocery store." Kathleen says as she starts to unpack the grocery bags, handing her husband a block of cheese to put in the fridge. "He looked so run down and depressed with this new TV show he's signed up for."

"He's been working hard and it's about time he caught a break."

"I asked him if he wanted to come to dinner tonight." She tells him. "Which explains why I bought extra food and some beers. I know the company would do you good."

Jeremy turns with a genuine heartfelt smile and slips his arms around her waist, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"You need to have company too, mama." He says with a soft sigh, feeling her hands on top of his. "Why don't you and the girls have a girly night with movies and lots of wine?"

"I...I'm not ready to see them like that. They're either going to force me to talk about my feelings or....have me crying over something silly."

"You need to let it out, Katy. We both do." He says softly and tightens his grip around her.

"I'm sick and tired of crying. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I just want things to get better, to how they were before and I know it never will be like how it was. God, I feel like I'm losing my mind."

She had been feeling like this for months and she reasoned that it would pass as acceptance of Brooke's death kicked in, but she still woke up every morning wishing. As a psychiatrist, she knew the strain and pressure she was putting on herself and yet she couldn't help it. She felt trapped like she is in some kind of limbo and there's no ladder or safety net to catch her.

"I wish I could change everything and I would do anything to be able to do it. I hate seeing you like this, Katy. I hate us being like this."

"I know you would and I would give anything to be able to hold her and see her grow up." She whispers as the tears flow. "I would do anything to have her here with us."

The couple cry into one another's arms and some would say they were over the worst of their tragedy, but no one really knows how it is to lose a hold until they've gone through it themselves and there's no time limit or schedule to the grieving process. Some parents deal with their loss quickly or in different ways and some parents are always haunted by it, what they once had and what could have been.

***

At six-thirty, the doorbell dings and Kathleen activates the security gate to open for their dinner guest and as always, Tyler greets her warmly in the hallway.

"You look really great." He says with a smile. "And something smells even better."

"Such a charmer and that would be our dinner. Is chicken casserole okay?"

"That sounds great and I'm not so charming these days." He laughs and takes off his coat.

They go into the kitchen where Kathleen has already opened a bottle of wine and had been sipping on it when the intercom system buzzed at Tyler's arrival. The young man feels awkward and doesn't know whether to offer his condolences or just act casual, afraid to stir anything painful into the evening.

"Jeremy's in the shower and he probably won't be too long since dinner is almost done." She says and fills a second wine glass. "His stomach has a built in alarm when it comes to food."

"Doesn't every guy have one of those?"

"Jeremy's is worse." She laughs."So, how is the showbiz world treating you?"

"It's okay, I guess. This show I'm working on isn't that demanding, but it's a step up the ladder. The character I'm playing is strange, but in a good way I think."

"I'm sure you're doing the show justice." Kathleen smiles and takes a drink of her wine. "Just remind us when it airs so we can watch it."

"Sure, I'll let you know. Just don't go fan-girling over me."

They laugh and continue talking and they are almost oblivious to Jeremy joining them.

"I'll get you two boys a beer." She says and goes to the fridge, uncapping two bottles and handing them over.

The trio carry their drinks to the breakfast bar and grab a stool, excitedly talking about Tyler's latest success and Kathleen excuses herself to serve up dinner, feeling a little better since she and Jeremy had talked. The meal passes too quickly and with full bellies and two helpings of dessert, Kathleen retreats upstairs for a hot bath and reminds her husband and their guest not to get too drunk and to keep the music down a little. Kathleen lays back in the hot water and sighs, feeling content for the first time in months and she actually feels as if she is stepping forward instead of going backwards.

 

AC/DC plays in the background at a reasonable level and cigarette smoke spirals lazily from the ashtray as Jeremy pours himself and Tyler another drink, bourbon over ice to go with their beers. Kathleen had come down to say goodnight and then went back upstairs to bed, reminding them to behave so she could sleep and she knew that she would probably end up joining them again during the night if they were still up and she couldn't sleep. Jeremy sips his drink as he changes the music channel and leans back into the sofa.

"I didn't want to bring this up earlier....but how's things since....you know?" Tyler says from the other end of the sofa and gives his mentor a sincere look of apology for bringing it up, but it had never felt like the right time.

"We have our good days and bad days, I guess. Everyone says it gets easier, but I don't know. It doesn't feel that way."

"I wanted to call when I heard, but I silent know what to say." The young man explains sadly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. No one really knows what to say, not even us."

"But you have each other, right?" Tyler asks supportively.

Jeremy scoffs and drains his glass, the ice clinking together as he huffs out a breath once he's gotten to his feet for a refill. He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs, pouring himself a more than generous measure of bourbon.

"Right now I'm not so sure." Jeremy's eyes fall to the contents of his glass as he swirls it around. "It's changed us....losing Brooke. We're not the same people anymore."

"Something like that is always going to change people."

"Maybe." The actor agrees with no conviction. "Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it through this or if we're going to start hating each other."

"Why would you and Kathleen hate each other?"

"We blame ourselves for what happened. I blame me 'cause I should have been at home and Katy blames herself 'cause she should have known something was wrong." Jeremy sips his drink. "The guilt is killing me."

"I read somewhere that it's a pretty natural reaction to feel like that, to blame."

"I would never ever blame Katy for what happened." The older man says as he sits down again. "I just wish I could make her better."

Tyler nods in understanding and he doesn't know what to say to lessen the burden of guilt that his mentor is carrying, dragging it around like a ball and chain and he can't imagine what that must feel like to lose such a big part of your life like that. 

The young man scoots a little closer and does what he does best, to make people smile and laugh and soon he has an intoxicated Jeremy laughing at corny jokes and bad impressions of celebrities. The atmosphere drastically changes as they start talking again, this time about Tyler and his career that is taking off in the right direction.

"I get nervous when the cameras start recording. Is that normal?"

"Oh, yeah." Jeremy laughs. "You have no idea how normal that is. Of course it feels worse depending on what scene you're doing."

"How was it doing the sex scenes in your movies?"

"The sex scenes were......awkward to start with, but if you have a connection with your acting partner, then that makes a difference." The established actor answers with a hearty chuckle.

"I bet the straight sex scenes were normal, but how was it with Dahmer?"

Jeremy sets his glass on the table and turns a little so he is comfortably sitting in the corner of the sofa. This is going to be a very strange conversation to have with someone, even though he had talked about it with Kathleen.

"It was...strange, to be in this mind set where you're pretending to be this....monster." Jeremy answers honestly, his eyebrows furrowing together. "It's intense all the time because your'e playing a person who did horrible things to other people. It was dark, sometimes even nasty to even pretend you were this person or even capable of these actions that disgusted so many people."

"In the movie there was like....sex scenes....well fake scenes....how was that?"

"I don't know, I guess it wasn't any different to being with a girl." The older man shrugs. "It was apart of it and I guess it had it's difficult moments, but Dahmer was a predator and it was important to show that."

"I don't think I've seen anyone be so creepy playing a part and being convincing."

"Yeah, it was creepy." Jeremy laughs and he realises that he is watching Tyler a little too closely. "So if you were to pretend to be with a guy for a scene, would you do it?"

"It's no big deal to me. I'm gay anyway, so no big deal."

Something strange stirs inside Jeremy and he realises he is almost staring at Tyler, amazed by his young and fresh he looks to be so troubled already by his career, but this feeling is so strange.

As they drink some more and chat, Jeremy finds himself paying even more attention to his student and feels so care free around him, like he's been given a new lease of life and it's the first time in weeks and months he has felt happy. 

"So, since we're talking about our careers here, how did you know you were into guys?"

"I dated girls until I was like fifteen and something just clicked inside." Tyler explains casually. "And then I just knew I was attracted to guys. I was sixteen when I had my first kiss with a boy."

"How did your parents take it when you told them?"

"My dad was mad, dragged me to church and wanted the priest to rid me of my sins." The young man laughs. "But my mom was pretty cool about it."

"It must have been difficult."

"Probably, but I got over it. Had my first boyfriend at seventeen and I knew that's who I was." Tyler says."Been happy ever since."

Jeremy nods as his curiosity gets the better of him and he's never had this type of conversation before, despite the rumours that circulated a few years ago about him being gay. It angered him that people made assumptions and simply didn't ask or that they weren't interested in hearing what he had to say, so he lashed out a little which everyone understood why.

"As long as you're happy, that's what's important." Jeremy agrees sincerely."That's all anyone wants."

"I miss being with someone you care about and who cares about you. You and Kathleen are lucky."

"Yeah, I guess we are in some ways."  
The older man answers with a soft smile. "They broke the mould when they made Katy."

***

Hands caress his body lovingly and lips gently suck on his earlobe as he writhes on the bed, his own hands exploring his lover's shoulders. Jeremy's eyes open just a little in the dimly lit room as his heart thuds like a drum, the lips travelling further down his body and when he looks down, he sees Tyler between his legs.


	16. Tensions

Jeremy's senses are in complete overload as his body tingles at the feeling of skin against skin, feeling as if he is on cloud nine as sweat gathers on his forehead. The actor is struggling to keep control and moans into the air, his chest heaving in heavy breaths as Tyler does something sinful with his mouth. His orgasm is quickly approaching and he doesn't want to let go. He wants to hang on for as long as possible and doesn't want this to end. He wants Tyler badly.

 

*****

The soft rustling of sheets disturbs her sleep as she glances over her shoulder at her husband. She had heard him stumbling into bed and is surprised to find him so restless even though he was pretty drunk. Kathleen turns to face him and she drapes an arm over his stomach and then she notices the tented duvet from his arousal. She realises that it's pretty obvious why he is so restless and she turns back around, facing away from him. Thing's had gone to hell and here he was having an erotic dream and an erection to put solid steel to shame. 

The anger bubbles like a witch's cauldron and she too becomes irritable and restless, tossing and turning the rest of the night until she gave up and headed downstairs.  
The sitting room is a mess of empty beer bottles, wine bottles, glasses and an overfilled ashtray. The air is stagnant and thick with stale smoke and alcohol. She opens the curtains and is glad to see that Tyler isn't asleep on the sofa even though it is comfortable and retreats back into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. Her partner at the clinic is pressing her to return to work soon and she knows she can't face dealing with everyone else's problems when she has her own and she is upset with Dr Hendry that he is being so unsympathetic towards her circumstances and she remembers that he was only married for a short time, divorced and no kids. He wouldn't know what it's like to feel the pain she does every day. Even though Jeremy shares the same grief, she feels completely alone and vulnerable from the world. She hates what has happened with such a burning passion and she starts to wonder if she would have it in her to have another baby. She doesn't know if she could risk losing another child and she doesn't know whether she would always compare the child to Brooke, wishing and wanting and ending up rejecting her child. She doesn't know where to turn and it's killing her.

 

Jeremy awakes as he reaches climax in his dream and looks down towards the end of the bed, searching. He huffs out a breath and rubs the sleep from his eyes, feeling his boxers uncomfortable as he sits up and a wave of nausea takes hold in the pit of his stomach. He feels like shit. He feels worse as the memory of the dream hits him and the hangover turns sourer as he makes his way into the bathroom. 

Jeremy goes downstairs and the smell of freshly brewed coffee makes vomit rise in his throat and then he feels guilty when he sees Kathleen sitting at the table.

"Good morning." She says as she looks up at him and takes a sip of her coffee. "You don't look so good."

"I don't feel so good."

"Let me get you some orange juice." She gets up and pours him a big glass of juice and hands it to him. "You should go back to bed since you boys were drinking all night and I didn't appreciate the karaoke."

He looks up at her, saddened and his emotion changes when he sees her smile and it's the first time in months that he has actually seen her smile or been capable of it.

"I thought we were doing pretty good." He shrugs, smiling.

"It wasn't the worst I've heard or the best, but you get brownie points for trying."

"Gee, thanks." He chuckles and sits down next to her. "I'm sorry if we kept you up."

"You didn't, really. But speaking of things being up...."

A light blush spreads across his skin as he almost chokes on his juice, wiping the escaped dribble of liquid that is running down his chin. Underneath his fixed calmness, panic sets in and he starts to wonder if she knows about the dream.

"So are you going to tell me what got you all hot and bothered?" She asks.

"It was just a dream."

"About?" She continues to probe.

"Nothing special." 

Kathleen noticed how uncomfortable her husband looks and decides to get her own back on him for having her awake for half the night, and teasing him is the best weapon she has.

"It looked special. What were you dreaming about."

"Damn it, Katy!" He snaps abruptly and she recoils suddenly. "I wasn't dreaming about nothing. I already told you that and you keep pushing and pushing. I told you."

Kathleen looks at him in awe at his sudden outburst and she swallows back the tears that are clouding her vision. She doesn't know what to say or what to even think as she cups her hands around the cup. She glances up to see Jeremy take his pack of smokes outside and she brushes the tears from her eyes. 

A sound in the doorway makes her look up again and she tries to compose herself as Tyler sheepishly looks around.

"Uh....I was just..." He stammers. "Looking for some water. Sorry to butt in."

Kathleen can't help but feel sorry for him because he has literally walked into their marital battlefield and none of this involves the young man. She gets up and fills a glass of orange juice and gives it to him, her hand shaking a little as he takes it.

"This will do you more good." She says, her bottom lip wobbling.

"Thanks. And I'll clean up the mess."

"Don't worry about it." She says with a forced smile and notices Jeremy coming back in, neither of them making eye contact. "There's more in the fridge."

"Uh...thanks." Tyler answers quietly.

 

Jeremy goes into the bathroom and locks the door, sitting down on the toilet with his head in his hands and the last thing he wanted was for to lash out at Kathleen. But she had got him so mad, having rubbed him up the wrong way with her constant questions when he had already given her an answer. She still kept pushing, so he pushed back. He reasons that was why he snapped and he would normally agree that he had been right to lose his temper, but he feels so damn guilty about it. He feels guilty about a lot of things. As the hot water pounds down on his head, neck and shoulders, Jeremy squeezes his eyes shut as he tries to bury the memory of the dream he had and blames it on the alcohol from the night before. 

The shower had helped dull the confusion and even though the contents of the strange dream is still on his mind, he does his best to forget all about it as he tried to get back to some sense of normality. But he would never know what normal truly is after last night.


	17. On A FIne Line

For weeks Jeremy hadn't been able to think about anything else other than the dream and it was seriously having an impact on his work, making him irritable and snappy and he found it heard to concentrate because something would trigger that memory. He blamed the alcohol and then he run out of things to blame when he felt the attraction grow towards the younger man and it made him sick to his stomach thinking about it when his relationship with Kathleen was such a mess. He needed to get them back on track and then started to doubt whether his effort would even be worth it since she had retreated from him and he knew his attitude and behaviour was mostly the problem. So, Jeremy tried to surprise Kathleen with romantic dinners and trips to the theatres or movies and he finally started to feel like things were back on track, until they started arguing again and they were literally back to square one and any progress that was made was swept away in a tidal wave of marital troubles. He reasoned that it was just a rough patch after losing Brooke, but the longer it went on the more faith he lost in things ever getting back to normal.

The sudden change in Jeremy hadn't gone unnoticed and Kathleen became even more concerned about her husband's activities than she cared to admit. She had seen him pay a lot of attention to his wardrobe, splashing on lots of aftershave and acted cold and distant around her. She then realised that she had to be the problem and wanted to change it, so she decided to grab the bull by the horns.

*****

Kathleen bites her lip, her eyes studying the reflection of herself in the mirror as her trembling hands smooth down the material of her pencil skirt, her stomach churning like a cement mixer. She is nervous about returning to work, even on a part-time basis and wishes she had brought a cold drink upstairs with her. Her husband's snores from the bedroom is deafening as she sits on the edge of the bed to pull on her heels, the air in the room tinged with stale alcohol. Jeremy had been out drinking again and hadn't come home until two-thirty, which wasn't ridiculously late but she realised that he had suddenly turned into this whole other person. She appreciated the romantic gestures, but there hasn't been any confessions of love in weeks, no attempts of intimacy and as Kathleen watches him sleep, she wonders if there is another woman. But she hasn't got time to dwell on that now and goes downstairs, leaving a note next to the phone and backs her car out of the driveway and drives to the office where she will see her first patient of the day, one she hasn't seen in weeks.

 

George Darwin is a middle-aged, balding and overweight man who suffers from bouts of depression, low self-esteem and still lives with his mother. He works in a sandwich shop and is almost fortyeight and still allows his overbearing mother make decisions for him, which includes what he can and can't have, what he can and can't do and so on. 

Kathleen skims through the notes of their last few sessions and looks up to see George Darwin staring at the ceiling, laying peacefully on the therapy couch.

"How have things been since the last time we talked, any better?"

"I wish I could say that." He answers quietly.

"What's been going on, George? Tell me about it."

"Well, mother has decided that she is selling the house to move somewhere smaller and she isn't able to do much for herself." He explains. "She is going in to have her hip surgery in a few weeks and I'm going to have to do look after her."

"And did your mother meet that lady friend you told me about?"

George Darwin nods and his expression is of sadness and hurt.

"Mother didn't like Mary-Ann."

"Did she tell you why?" Kathleen asks her patient as he retreats a little into himself. "George?"

"Mother said she was a hussy. Mother said that I wasn't to see Mary-Ann again because she only wanted a babysitter for her two brats. That's what mother said, called them brats."

"And what did you think about them?" She asks as she continues to write.

"They are great kids, I guess. They know what they want and need."

"And how did it make you feel that your mother called the children brats?" Kathleen presses. 

"It made me angry because she doesn't even know them. I tried to tell her how good they were, but she wouldn't listen. She wouldn't listen to what I wanted."

Kathleen has to be careful with where she treads when asking questions, particularly to someone whose resentment towards their loved one is the reason why they are in therapy, and she feels sorry for him at the same time. She wants to tell him what he needs to do, to tell his mother that she can't control him any longer and she believes that George would go on to have a happy life with Mary-Ann and her two children, but she can't tell him what he needs to do and can only make suggestions and it is the patient who must come to the decision on their own.

"Mother introduced me to a girl, one of her friend's daughters." George says with a deep sigh, a frown forming on his face.

"And how did that go?"

"Not well." He answers quietly. "The four of us had lunch, mother and me and her friend and Liz, her daughter. Liz took me aside when mother and her friend talked and told me to not expect to hear from her."

"Did she tell you why?"

"She did, and it was because mother is too overbearing." he replies. "She said it was pathetic to see a middle-aged man be told what to do by his mother. I'm kind of glad, because I didn't like her anyway."

"Why didn't you like Liz?"

"She wasn't Mary-Ann." George explains simply. "And she was too.....she looked like she was used to be treated like a princess. I don't like that, never have. But mother has been pushing for us to date."

"Does your mother know about what Liz said to you at lunch?"

"I did tell her, but mother chooses what she wants to hear and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't listen." He sighs and looks up. "I'm old enough to choose who I want to date and who I want to spend my life with. I'm old enough to make my own decisions about ever day little things."

"George, have you told your mother how this makes you feel?"

"I tried to." He answers. "I really did try."

Kathleen shifts a little and shuts out the scene that is playing in her head, of being a mother who is watching her child grow up and go through the various movements of life. She can't imagine herself being so overbearing on a child and she starts to wonder if Brooke would settle down and be happy, give her parents grandchildren to fuss over and spoil like they did their daughter and she knows that George's mother verges on cruel most of the time in her control and she can't see why or understand why a mother would do that or how a mother could be capable of that.

"Doctor, are you okay?"

"Hmm?" Kathleen asks, looking up as she is brought out of the painful thought process and she realises her cheeks are wet. "I'm sorry. Excuse me."

She gets up on unsteady feet and seeks refuge in the small staff room down the hallway, using the alone time to gather whatever nerves she has left that isn't shot to pieces and she can't stop the images and thoughts that are coming into her head. She can't be thinking like this when she is at work, being unprofessional and turning into a nervous wreck every time a patient tells her something sad or makes her remember a rare moment with Brooke or even make her wonder what could have been.

Kathleen knows she did the right thing by excusing herself and sucks in a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds before turning towards the door and her heart freezes in her chest at the sight of her receptionist standing there with worried eyes.

"Kathleen, is everything okay?" Dorothy asks and guides Kathleen to a chair. "Kathleen?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. I was just feeling a little dizzy. I'll be fine in a minute, thank you."

Dorothy had worked for the practice for a number of years, having retired from a teaching position to manning the practice's phone and filing patient records and she reasoned that it kept her mind busy and active. The old woman knows something is wrong and she debates to whether she should raise the alarm with one of the other psychiatrists, but knows it would only make Kathleen worse.

"Tell me what's going on and we'll see if we can fix it, because I'm not buying your phony dizzy spell."

The younger woman sighs and nods, watching Dorothy as she disappears for a few seconds and then returns.

"I told Mr Darwin you had to be sent home sick and he's going to finish his session at the next appointment. Now, tell me what's got you all flustered."

"It sounds silly." Kathleen admits quietly.

"I bet it isn't and nothing sounds silly to me and remember I was a teacher."

The younger woman sighs and pulls out a chair at the small table, her hands clasped together in her lap as she tries to put how she feels into words, but already Dorothy is two steps ahead of her.

"You've realised coming back so soon wasn't as easy as you thought it would be." The older woman states thoughtfully,compassionately. "Am I right?"

"Yes, I guess you are. I thought it would do me good by getting back to work, back into a routine and I guess I was wrong."

"What was it that upset you, dear?" Dorothy asks.

"Mr Darwin was telling me about his relationship with his mother and it got me thinking about all those things I would miss out on, all those things she never had a chance to experience. I'm never going to see my little girl grow up and take tantrums because she isn't getting her own way, to be woken up in the middle of the night because she's had a bad dream.....I'm never going to have that." 

Dorothy comforts Kathleen as she cries for everything she has lost and never got to have, a daughter who would wrap her daddy around her little finger and learn to be a lady from her mommy. With frail hands, Dorothy rubbed Kathleen's back as if she were a child and whispered soothing words into her hair and Kathleen allowed herself to be held, to cry openly.

"I miss her. I miss Brooke so much." She wails, clutching at the receptionist. "I can't live without her."

****

The audience roars with applause as Jeremy walks onto the stage, giving a brief wave to everyone as he sits down on the purple sofa and the chat show host is beaming.

"Welcome to the show and thank you so much for being here." Trudy Richards smiles widely. "We've all been very excited to have you here and to have you tell us about your new movie, The Bourne Legacy."

The audience applauds and cheers on queue as Jeremy feels his cheeks flush, putting it down to the lighting and the heat in the green room where his make-up was done.

"It's a pleasure to be here." Jeremy smiles. "And yeah, the Bourne Legacy."

"What can you tell us about the movie, Jeremy? And please don't give too much away or it really will spoil it for everyone."

"Sure, and no one likes spoilers." He laughs and reaches for the glass of water. "The movie really is one of a kind, certainly for me who came in as a leading role to the originals. I guess I'm still overwhelmed by it all, the response mainly by the fans of the original Bourne trilogy."

"Was it difficult to live up to Matt Damon's character as Jason Bourne?"

"In a way it was, because Matt sort of brought the goods to the table in the first three films and everyone wanted the Legacy to be just as spectacular." He answers, smiling and showing off that panty-melting grin of his. "And I think I've done a pretty good job, minus the few cuts and bruises. But, it was also great because I wasn't taking over an established character, Aaron Cross is new and completely different to Matt's character, Bourne."

"I know you aren't allowed to tell us what happens in the movie, but what makes it different from the first three?"

"I think because it's a new character who has a whole lot of energy, a new storyline that goes with everything everyone already knows." Jeremy answers as honestly as he can. "It was really great being a part of something so spectacular, the camera guys and the script writers, everyone right down to the catering crew all did great."

Trudy Richards continues to ask more questions about the fourth Bourne film and looks for confirmation on any of his future work that is in the rumour mill and Jeremy handles the questions with finese, making the audience laugh until the questions change and the interview takes a much more different route than he had expected.

"Jeremy, very recently you and your wife lost your daughter and I just want to say how sorry I was to hear the news."

"Uh....thank you." He says, composing himself into a calm mental state, away from the anger that is building inside of him and everyone in the audience and behind the cameras can see how upset he is.

"How has the death of your daughter impacted your career, but not only the professional part of your life, but the personal part?"

"You know....it's, uh...hard..." He clears his throat and takes a sip of water, angry at himself for not expecting something like this. "I guess.....sometimes you just have to accept it, yeah."

"And have you really accepted it, Jeremy? Everyone knows grief takes shape in many forms and losing a child must he unbearable."

It's at this moment in time when Jeremy fumbles with the small microphone attatched to the lapel of his shirt and the cameras stop rolling, the audience and crew watching as Trudy Richards continues to push the actor until he has an outburst that could curdle milk.

"Don't sit there and tell me you understand because you have no idea what it's like." He snaps, still fighting with the wire and clip and battery pack. "This was about the movie, not anything to do with me or my private life."

"Jeremy, everyone is concerned for your well-being, your fans and colleagues are-"

"Are being nosey and need to mind their own damn business." He rages on. "How would you like the whole world to know who you had in your bed last night or for someone to tell everyone all your darkest secrets. I'm not asking you personal questions and I expect the same human decency for privacy and respect."

***

Kathleen had heard all about the blundered interview on the Trudy Richards show and wasn't surprised to find out that Jeremy had lost his temper with the host. She knew the only reason her husband agreed to the interview was to ease himself back in by promoting the new movie and made it perfectly clear he wouldn't answer any questions about his personal life, unless he saw fit to divulge it in the first place and she and everyone supported his decision.  
Jeremy's team had called her and Valerie to warn them of the backlash and as soon as Jeremy walked through the door, Kathleen could see how upset and angry he was at the underhanded trick the show pulled and she isn't exactly happy about it herself. 

"Are you okay?" She asks him.

"Sure. I guess you heard what happened?" 

She nods and hands him a mug of coffee, a small and simple gesture that earns her a very tiny smile as he takes a sip, frowning.

"Maybe I overreacted." He finally says out loud. "She only asked how things were and people we know ask all the time."

"I would have been the same way, but she and the channel knew the conditions of the interview. They broke that agreement."

"Yeah, I guess so." He shrugs. "So, did you go back to the office?"

For days they had argued about her going back to work, Kathleen saying it would do her good to get back into the swing of things and Jeremy argued that she could be biting off more than she could chew and then the talk show had come up and that had opened a new can of worms.

"It was...." She starts to say and he looks up at her.

"Bad day?"

"Yes." She whispers, already breaking her heart as Jeremy comes to her and wraps her in his protective arms.

"Shhh, it's okay, mama. Everything's going to be okay, but I'm proud of you."

"Proud?" Kathleen sniffles.

"I'm proud because I have you as my wife and it's not easy, mama. It's not as easy as everyone says it is."

She nods in understanding and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, seeing a mirrored expression of hurt and grief in his eyes.

"I thought we would be doing better by now and here we are, you yelling at talk show hosts and me having a complete mental breakdown, almost in front of a patient."

"At least you were dignified." Jeremy answers, managing to get a small smile out of her. "I thought security was going to through my butt out onto the street."

"Trudy Richards did deserve it."

"Yeah, I guess she did and I bet she won't push her guests like does." He answers and presses a kiss to her salty, wet cheek. "I love you and I'm really proud of you, Katy."

"And I'm proud of you too. You have no idea how much, but I just want this to be over or at least get easier."

"I know, mama." He says sadly. "I don't know if it gets easier or worse, 'cause right now it feels worse.

 

The couple move into the sitting room where they just sit and talk for most of the night and into the early hours of the morning, ignoring the various calls unless it was someone they actually wished to talk to and in the late afternoon, Jeremy and Kathleen visited Brooke's grave. They had cried again, a new sense of grief shadowing over them and they finally talked about how they felt about losing their little girl.


	18. Grabbing The Bull.By The Horns

Tiredness pulls at her eyes as she glances over at the alarm clock and sighs softly at the sight of the red digits, just gone four-thirty and she hadn't slept since turning into bed just after ten. Most nights were like this, but she had never felt as exhausted as she does now and it's a small comfort to hear Jeremy snoring next to her. Kathleen hated waking her husband when she couldn't sleep, because he would sit with her no matter how tired he was and she felt guilty for taking his rest away from him. Outside, birds start to sing and the occasional rumble of a car engine in the street starts up, people going to work or running out to the store. Kathleen looks over at Jeremy as he mumbles in his sleep, his voice quiet and rusty and thick. She loves watching him sleep, taking in how peaceful and content he looks and she has to fight with herself to not reach out and touch him. 

He rolls onto his back and she has to stifle a giggle at the tented bed covers around his groin and won't be able to resist teasing him about it later. She wonders what he is dreaming about as she watches his hand slip down his boxers, subconsciously touching himself to his dream and she feels a hot flush over her skin. Suddenly the room is too warm, airless like a desert and she can't bring herself to disturb him or look away.

"Mm mm." He moans in his sleep, barely audible. "Don't....don't stop."

Kathleen watches him, aroused by him for the first time in months. They hadn't been together intimately since losing Brooke and it was obviously taking it's toll silently on the couple. She can feel the heat radiate through his T-shirt and it burns her like how it used to when he looked at her and touched her, but she still manages to refrain from waking him up.

"Mm....there..." The actor mumbles."Mmm Tyler....there."

***

The early morning reruns of comedy shows aren't enough to make Kathleen smile or forget what had just taken place upstairs and normally the comedies always made her laugh, but not this morning. The TV acts as background noise as she tries to stop herself from jumping to conclusions, trying to weed out what she knows as fact from what she suspects. Inside her heart is aching at the thought of Jeremy mumbling someone else's name, but what hurts the most was that he said Tyler's name, another man. She wonders if there is more to their relationship than just being friends and then she starts to wonder if they really have been having an affair behind her back. She can understand Jeremy going to another woman, but a man? She's never known Jeremy to ever be interested in someone of the same sex, even when rumours were being spread and he admitted to her that he had never once questioned his sexuality.

Kathleen reasons that she is blowing everything our of proportion and changes the channel. She is well aware that everyone has erotic dreams involving other people and it doesn't necessarily mean they are having an affair with that person and now that she has thought sensibly about it, she agrees that she was overreacting. She concludes that breakfast is what she needs to make her brain think clearer.

 

Groggily, Jeremy makes his way downstairs and instantly wraps his arms around Kathleen who is buttering toast and presses a kiss to the side of her neck. He smells like sleep and faintly of aftershave, the stubble on his chin scratching at her skin.

"Good morning." He says softly, nuzzling his face against hers and she can't understand what's gotten into him. "You're up early, mama. You okay?"

"I'm fine. I just couldn't sleep."

"How about coming back to bed with me?" he asks gently, rocking her from side to side.

"I would love to, but I have to get ready to go into the office."

Kathleen feels her husband press against her and she can feel his erection, his lips on her skin and she wants to be with him, but the doubts come flooding in again.

"Jeremy, I'm....really not ready to..." She says quierly and his grip around her doesn't loosen.

"Mama, I'm not suggesting you do anything you don't want to. I just want us to be together a little longer."

"But you're...."She starts to say and blushes. "You know."

"Forget about it, Katy. It's no big deal."

"What were you dreaming about?" She asks, turning to look at him.

"I can't even remember, but I know I was dreaming about you."

She searches his eyes discreetly and she believes him wholeheartedly. He really can't remember and the doubts fall away again, but she still doesn't feel ready to be intimate.

"I'm a horrible wife."

"Katy, you're not a horrible wife and I don't want you thinking that. You're the very best and I'm the luckiest man alive." He says and he means it."There's no rush, mama. We've got all the time in the world."

"Thank you."

He smiles as she kisses his lips and strokes his cheek, inhaling his scent and absorbing his warmth from his body. She lays her head against his chest and he plays with her hair, his arm still tightly around her body as if he is afraid to let go.

"I love you." He whispers into her hair  
.  
"I love you too. How about you go take a shower and I'll make you some breakfast?"

"I think you've managed to twist my arm." He chuckles. "You're too good to me."

"And I think you have your little problem to sort out."

His eyebrows shoot up in amusement, faked shock in his eyes as he laughs.

"Little?" He asks, still laughing. "I'm not so little and you know it."

"I do, but it got a reaction out of you."

"Now you're just picking on me." He smiles and kisses her forehead. "But I love you for it. I'll be down in about ten and then I'll drop you off at the office."

It feels like how it used to between them, so easy and laid back without a care in the world and they used to be able to make each other laugh without any problems and lately, they hasn't smiled or laughed at all.

"Where are you off to?" She asks as he reaches the doorway.

"Got some promo shots to do and then I'm meeting up with Tyler over a beer."

Her hands still halfway through cutting some bread and she is glad she has her back turned to her husband as the doubts resurface, bouncing into her mind like a bomb that's waiting to go off. She can't look at him and does her best to sound okay.

"How is Tyler?"

"He's okay, got a big audition next month for a new project." Jeremy says casually. "The script is pretty intense, but I think he can pull it off and show them what he can do."

"He is good."

"He's good at complexity." He adds thoughtfully. "I hope he gets a break and doesn't have to compete with all the younger actors like I do."

Kathleen turns to him and she reads his expression. He feels old and wishes he has broken into the industry when he was younger, wanting to avoid having to burn himself our to get ready for roles that would come so naturally to someone half his age. She knows how he feels when he has to work his ass off to even be considered for a part and many people don't realise how much personal sacrifices he has to make, mostly his own health and sanity. Dahmer had been a prime example of what that role had done to him.

"Hey." She says soothingly and crosses to him. "You aren't that old and you're fitter than guys half your age. You've worked hard to get where you are."

"And none of it seems worth it. The only thing that's ever been worth it was meeting you."

She sighs softly and kisses the tip of his nose lovingly. She had listened to him talk like this before, doubt the path that he had taken and she told him it was natural to look back and question everything, question every step that he had took and believed that at the right time it was the right step, and even she faced those same thoughts.

"You go on and shower and I'll have breakfast ready and stop doubting yourself, Jeremy." She says softly and strokes his cheek with a sad smile."You told me that everything was going to be okay and I believed you, so now it's time you believe me."

"I do, mama. I just wish things were different."

"We both do, but this is how they are." She says quietly, sadly.

"But no matter what happens we have each other."

"Forever and always." She smiles.  
Kathleen watches her husband go upstairs and while she makes breakfast, the doubts return with such power that she feels a stress headache starting. 

She does her best to push them to the back of her mind as she scrambles up eggs and makes some fresh toast, her own gone soggy and cold. She wonders what is going to happen, whether she will confront Jeremy about his erotic dream or just ignore it like it never happened as she heard footsteps come downstairs, she has to forget for the time being.

****

"I don't think I can pull off this character." Tyler admits weakly, sighing in defeat as his mentor frowns at him. "I can't get the tone right."

"You just need to keep practicing, but saying you can't do it is putting a block in there and stopping you."

"I guess you're right." Tyler answers with a sigh. "The character is just so....out there."

"Some parts are like that."

"Like Dahmer?" The young man asks and looks up at his mentor.

"Yeah, like Dahmer."

"How was it playing that role?" He continues. "I've seen the movie and it was great, but I guess I just want to know how you did it."

Jeremy licks his bottom lip and sighs softly, remembering all the hours he spent with Kathleen in her office until they realised there was a mutual attraction. He hadn't spoken about his time on Dahmer with anyone except for Kathleen and it was because it had mentally drained him. In a way, it had almost killed him and ended his career. Jeremy isn't entirely sure If he is ready to tell anyone about it, especially someone who looked up to him and what he said could potentially put even more doubt into Tyler's head.

"Jeremy?"

"Oh, yeah." Jeremy snaps back into the present. "Sorry."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sure I'm fine." The older man answers. "Yeah, Dahmer."

"How was it or is this a touchy subject?"

"It's touchy, but I think you need to hear it and I guess I need to talk about." Jeremy explains. "Playing Dahmer was intense on so many levels, having to block out your own logic and morals to play this horrendous man who did these unspeakable things to people. Trying to be him wasn't easy."

"But you did so great!"

"On screen it looked great, identical to how Dahmer was." He says, looking anywhere but at Tyler. "But the effects of the preperation to become him lasted a lot longer. It was like having side effects to a medication."

"What did you have to do to prepare for Dahmer?"

"Dahmer got aroused by medical textbooks and I had to portray that. I kept looking at all these books and thinking, man I don't know how anyone can get off on this." Jeremy says. 

"Dahmer was a weird guy. I'm guessing that messed with your head?"

"Every scene was intense, every sentence or action made me feel as if I was actually him and I didn't like it. I didn't like the way he or the part made me feel." The actor continues."I kept thinking if I was had as he was because I had to play him, I had to get inside the emotions and make it look and feel as if it really was happening."

"What were the side effects of doing Dahmer, Jeremy?"

The actor runs his face and feels drained just talking about his time on Dahmer, the movie that boosted his career and yet almost destroyed it.

"One thing the producer managed to get was the crime scene photos and I studied them, partly curiosity and partly because I wanted everything to look authentic. I had nightmares, became moody and I guess I changed into someone I didn't want to be and has no intentions of being. Instead of socialising, I would hide away and go through everything and I started to be Dahmer. It wasn't a part anymore. I mean, I didn't go and commit crimes, but his persona became mine. It was like living in a kind of evil bubble that was always breathing down your neck, changing my temper and the way I acted around people I cared about."

"Sounds horrible." Tyler agrees, frowning. "What did you do?"

"For a while I drank to block it all out, but it didn't work."

"Then what did you do?" The younger and aspiring actors asks, aware of his mentors darkening mood.

"I got into therapy. That's how I met Kathleen and the rest is history. There's still days where I think about what that part done, how it made me have a mental breakdown and i almost lost everything. But then there's days where I'm glad I did it because I wouldn't be where I am now, happily married."

Tyler nods and smiles warmly, always wanting to have that reason to keep him grounded when his head rose into the clouds. He can't imagine himself settling down with someone or waking up to the same person for ten or twenty years and he admires anyone who can. Commitment in relationships just hasn't been a priority for him before and he doubts it ever will be.

"I still don't know if I can do this part." The young man admits. "What should I do?"

"Honestly, I guess if you're that unhappy with doing this role, you turn it down. That's all you can do or you try it out and see how it works."

"It scares me that there's going to be some characters can fuck me up mentally and physically." Tyler says.

"I don't think it will happen."

"What makes you say that?" The young man asks curiously as he runs his fingers through his hair.

"You just don't seem like the kind of guy who lets anything get him down."

"I guess you could say that." Tyler replies quietly. "You said before that everyone has their breaking point. How do you know what it is?"

"Trust me, you just know."

The conversation steers away from work and onto music, discussing latest upcoming artists at different local bars and even internationally, sharing their opinions on everything from Johnny Cash's Hurt to Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple. Since meeting and uniting on the set of the Bourne Legacy, the two have become closer like brothers, but Jeremy feels that bond changing into something else. Something that he isn't quite sure of or understands.

****

Fat tears roll down her cheeks as she sniffles into the blanket and she can't help but cry at the movie that she is watching. She had been fine and then all of a sudden the tears had surfaced and she knew it was because her emotions were already unbalanced, between losing Brooke and hearing Jeremy mumble another man's name in an erotic dream. She didn't need this extra pressure and Kathleen finds herself going into the kitchen and pouring herself a generous glass of wine, gulping it down and refilling it. She feels better, but she knows getting drunk isn't going to make the situation any better. As she stands looking out the window and her mind twists into thoughts she doesn't want to be having, imagining Jeremy with Tyler and what they are up to. Her imagination works over time and it's driving her crazy to the point where she is tempted to find him and confront him there and then about the affair, but she can't lose him, not like this. She knows she won't be able to cope without him and if it meant ignoring the affair for the time being, that's just what she would have to do, but what drove her crazy was that Jeremy couldn't tell her he was attracted to someone of the same sex.

Soft footsteps wander up the hallway and the glow of the television grabs his attention. Jeremy quietly and carefully pulls up the blanket over Kathleen's shoulders and gently presses a kiss to her head as he turns off the TV. He doesn't have the heart to wake her and watches her for a second before he goes into the kitchen and pours himself a glass of orange juice.

"Hi." Kathleen says quietly and sleepily from the doorway, the blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

"Hey, I didn't want to wake you. I didn't mean to be so late, but we got talking."

"It's okay. I knew you wouldn't be home early." She answers and shivers, suddenly a little cold. "They say time flies when you're having fun."

"I guess it does. You want any juice or a sandwich?"

"No, I ate earlier." She replies.

"Oh, okay."

Kathleen licks her lips anxiously and she watches her husband as he cuts up lettuce and tomato for a sandwich. Expertly he spreads mustard over the bread and arranges thick slices of ham over it, followed by lettuce and tomato. 

"Jeremy, we need to talk."

"Sure, mama." He asks and takes a bite of his sandwich, talking with his mouth full. "What's up?"

"I know."

"You know?" He asks, looking at her with confusion. "You know what?"

"I know about you...What you've been up to."

"What I've been up to?" Jeremy isn't interested in the sandwich any more.

"Yes, about you and Tyler. I know, Jeremy. I know."


	19. Shades Of Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys that it's been a while, but I hope you enjoy it.

"What?" Jeremy asks, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open in bewilderment. "What....what are you talking about?"

"Come on, Jeremy. I know all about what you've been up to and don't you dare deny it."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to be denying." He answers quickly, not wanting to admit anything and confessing his attraction to Tyler would only make the situation worse.

"Don't take me for a fool, Renner. I may look stupid, but I've added it all up and it all makes sense."

"Katy, I really don't know what you're talking about." He says and tries to gently touch her arm.

"Don't touch me!"

Katherine's outburst makes him flinch and he frowns, his eyes filled with hurt as he watches her. He doesn't know what to do or say, stuck in a hard place and he doesn't like it. Katherine on the other hand is fighting the hysteria that rises within her and wants to remain as calm as possible even though her heart is breaking.

"Don't touch me." She says again and looks at her husband. "I know all about your affair with Tyler. I thought it was bad enough losing our daughter, but losing my husband too is.....I can't deal with this."

"Katy....."

"Admit it." She quickly cuts him of. "Admit it. Admit what you and Tyler have been doing because it's all there. It all makes so much sense. I didn't want to believe it."

"Katy, I swear to you that I'm not having an affair with Tyler. I would never do that to you."

"I don't believe you." Katherine admits. "I don't believe you, Jeremy."

"Katy, you have to believe me. I would never cheat on you, mama. I love you."

"And I love you." She answers quietly."But I want the truth. I need to know the truth about what's going on and I know there's something going on and I want to know what it is right now."

Jeremy looks at her and he doesn't know what to say or how he can tell her without hurting her. he just stands there and it annoys her further.

"For goodness sake, Jeremy" She snaps. "I know about the dreams."

"What dreams?" 

"The dreams.....about you and Tyler." She says quietly, tears welling up in her eyes. "You've dreamt of Tyler and you got aroused by it."

"Katy, listen to me...."

She looks at him and waits, expecting lies or some kind of excuse. 

"I....I don't know how to....explain." Jeremy says quietly, rubbing his face and running his fingers through his hair. "I don't know where to start."

"Start at the beginning. You owe me that at least."

"I...I have had....dreams." He huffs, avoiding her eyes. "But I've never cheated on you."

"Go on."

"Katy....I don't know what's going on with me." he confesses. "Ever since we lost Brooke I've felt.....something. Something different....towards Tyler."

"And that's our dead baby's fault?"

"Oh, Jesus no." He says quickly and he means it. "I wish I didn't have these.... feelings."

"Tell me about these feelings and Jeremy, I want the truth."

When he doesn't answer, she pushes him harder and all he can hear is her yelling and not the words she is saying, shrieking like an alarm in his ears and it's driving him crazy.

"God damnit!" He yells suddenly, covering his face with his hands. "Just stop. Please, just stop."

Katherine watches him silently as he slides to the floor and buries his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking as a sob breaks the silence. She should be mad with him, furious with his deception and yet, she kneels down and begins to comfort him, gently rubbing his shoulder. Suddenly she feels guilty for bullying him into a confession like this and she wipes the hot stinging tears from her eyes, composing herself.

"Talk to me, Jeremy. We need to talk about this and then decide where we go from here." She says gently, still rubbing his arm. "If we don't deal with this now then we never will. We're married and we're supposed to tell each other everything. Jeremy?"

Kathleen is afraid that her words have fallen on deaf ears and she sighs softly, hurt that he doesn't feel he can confide in her and they look up at each other simultaneously.

"I do.....I do love you, Katy." He croaks, trying to stop trembling. "I've always loved you and I still do."

"I know, but you need to tell me what's been going on. Help me understand."

"It....started off as being friends.....and then it changed." Jeremy tells her quietly, his head pounding from the stress and pressure. "It was fine and then it changed......it got more....intense."

"What got intense?"

"This.....connection." he whispers, feeling ashamed. "And it kept getting stronger and stronger, and I pretended it wasn't happening. I didn't want it to happen, but the more time.....the more time we spent together.....I couldn't pretend. I never meant for any of this to happen, Katy. I kept telling myself it was displaced grief or something."

The more he talks, the more upset he gets and it just breaks her heart. But this situation can't be left and dealt with another day, it has to be dealt with now for both their sakes.

"And what about the dream?" She asks. "How did that make you feel?"

"The first one.....I was so confused about it, figured that it was all the alcohol and it was just my imagination. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was so.....I was so ashamed to experience it and then.....be...."

"Then be what?" Kathleen presses curiously and squeezes her husband's hand to let him know it's okay.

"Turned on by it....I'm...I'm sorry."

"How do you feel about it?" She asks.

"Ashamed......it wasn't supposed to be like this. I've tried to.....forget, pretend but it keeps coming back. I....I don't want to lose you, Katy. I never wanted to put you through this."

"And If I hadn't found out you were just going to not tell me?" Kathleen states, knowing the answer already.

The actor nods and shudders as his moist eyes fall on the flooring of the kitchen, waiting for several responses from his wife and he doesn't really want to know what they all are. He imagines her calm composure melting as an unstoppable rage takes over, beating him senseless out of grief and anger. He can imagine her screaming for a divorce, calling up every media outlet and telling them the truth. He imagines her packing and leaving him for good.

"You were just going to pretend it wasn't happening?" She asks finally and he nods again in silence. "Now what do we do, Jeremy?"

Kathleen is met with silence and watches him as he rubs his hands over his face, frustrated and emotional, but more ashamed than he had ever felt about anything in his life before.

"I'll go pack." He says quietly, avoiding her eyes. "I'll get my attorney to draw up the papers.....but.....I need you to know that I never would have.....done anything with anyone. I love you. I've always loved you."

"Is....is this what you want, a divorce?"

"Of course it isn't." He says genuinely."You deserve so much better than I can give you. I'm sorry, Katy. I'm so sorry. I never wanted this to happen."

"I know you didn't. I just wish you could have told me what was going on and we could have worked this out together."

"I didn't want to put more pressure on you." He says honestly. "You don't deserve this, Katy. You don't deserve any of this. The last thing I wanted to do was put you through any of this. I....I don't expect you to....forgive me."

Kathleen sighs softly and moves so she is sitting between his knees, her hands cupping his face in her hands.

"Jeremy, you didn't mean to let any of this happen and I....I do forgive you."

"You do?" he asks, stunned by her reaction.

"Of course I forgive you. Jeremy, you're my husband and I love you no matter what and yes, I'm mad at you for not telling me, but I can understand why you didn't. I love you Jeremy Renner and just because you are attracted to Tyler or any other guy.....it doesn't mean you don't love me."

"So...uh....where do we go from here?"  
He still can't believe what she is saying.

"I know the perfect way."

 

Kathleen leans in and kisses her husband softly and passionately, the first act of intimacy they had shared in months and he responds lovingly as the passion builds between them. His strong arms and hands embrace her, his lips melting against hers as she lays down and pulls him on top of her, feverishly kissing him with uncontrollable desire.

"Make love to me, Jeremy." She pants as her legs wrap around his waist."Right here.....take me right here, right now." 

"I love you...I love you so much, Katy. You're my everything."


	20. Between a rock and an even harder place

They had made love passionately and obsessively all over the house, leaving a trail of discarded clothing in their wake as they connected physically and emotionally for the first time in months. Eventually they had given in to exhaustion and fell asleep with their limbs tangled around each other, both of them equally afraid to let go in case it was all just a dream. It seems that the months of heartache had forced then apart and they were brought back together by a confession of guilt and shame. It was a shameful secret that Jeremy hadn't wanted to share with anyone, not even his wife and he couldn't understand how or even why she was being so understanding about it. But the thought was pushed out of his head when she kissed him and she in return felt wanted and needed by the man she loved and had married. They would figure everything else out later, because they weren't prepared to lose anymore time apart.

******

She turns around in his arms to watch him as he sleeps and she can't deny that he looks peaceful and rested, like how she feels for the first in what seems like forever. Gently, she strokes her thumb over his cheekbone and presses soft kisses to his lips, not stopping until he responds and pulls her closer.

"What time is it?" he mumbles sleepily, stifling a yawn and refusing to open his tired eyes.

"It's after eleven."

"We should have been up hours ago." he answers and makes no attempt to get up.

"We don't have anything planned and it's been a long time since we were like this."

"I know." Jeremy admits quietly and places his hand over the top of hers."I wish.....that things hadn't turned out like they have." 

"We both wish that, but we can't keep torturing ourselves like this. We just can't keep doing it because it isn't going to change anything."

"You're right." He admits. "But we can work this out, can't we?"

Before, Kathleen hadn't been sure if they would survive their ordeal and work things out, but after getting everything out in the open she felt a little better about their future that had once been so uncertain. She melts inside as she looks into his eyes and she doesn't want to leave this moment, to go back to the withdrawal of each others company and end up resenting each other or beating themselves up again over Brooke.

"Yes, I think we can or we can at least try our hardest." She answers, her thumb still stroking his cheek. "I don't want to give up on us, Jeremy. I can't lose you."

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere, mama. We'll work this out and fix us, be like how we used to."

"Is that selfish for wanting things to better?" She asks and he knows what she means and is referring to Brooke."It feels selfish."

"It's not selfish. Selfish is when you don't share desert or when you only look our lily for number one. But wanting better isn't selfish."

"I sometimes think that by moving on we're going to forget about her and I don't want that." She tells him.

"Hey, that's never ever going to happen because we won't let it happen. We won't let ourselves forget Brooke, even if we have more kids. No one will replace her."

"Do...." She verbally stumbles and catches herself. "Do you.....is that what you want?"

"Isn't....is that what you want?"

They seem to be at a standstill on the matter of having another child and continuing their family, but now both of them are so unsure if it is even an option.

"Jeremy....." She starts to say and doesn't know how to continue.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"No." She says quickly. "I'm glad you did and it is something we need to talk about. I just wasn't expecting for it to be this soon."

Jeremy nods and watches her as she tries to form the next words, knowing that she won't want to hurt his feelings but at the same time, make how she feels perfectly clear.

"I...I do want another baby." She whispers, her gaze falling down to the space between them. "I...just don't know when I'm going to be ready or if I'm ever going to be ready."

"Katy, we have all the time in the world to make plans and talk about having another baby. There's no pressure and when you're ready we'll have another baby and if you never feel ready, then we'll deal with it."

"Do you really mean that, Jeremy?" She asks, sniffling. 

"Of course I do, mama. Whatever happens, we're always going to have each other and that's all that matters is you and me."

"Oh, Jeremy." She wails and wraps her arms around him. "I thought if I told you.....you were going to...to..."

"I was going to what?"

"I thought you would...." She cries."Would leave me."

"Baby, I would never leave you. I would never ever leave you, I promise."

"I love you so much." She tells him tearfully. "I don't want to lose you."

"I love you too and you aren't going to lose me because I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere without you, mama."

 

They stay together, wrapped in each others arms for another hour and Jeremy is sure Kathleen has fallen asleep by the relaxed breathing while his mind works overtime. Their chat had opened them up to one another, but there is still something on Jeremy's mind that he is struggling to come to terms with and he can't think of any avenue to change it. The rumours that had once circulated regarding his sexuality had been laughed off countless times before and on a few occasions he had lost his temper with people because it was all they wanted to know, nothing else except his sexual preference and he knows how it's going to look if everyone discovers his secret. As if reading his mind, Kathleen rubs his forearm and glances up at him.

"What is it?"

"Nothing." He says quietly, defensively. "I was just thinking."

"Are you going to tell me or am I going to have to work it out of you?"

"It's just that.....everyone is going to have a field day if they find out, you know." He tells her. "It shouldn't matter what they think or say, but it does. I know, I'm being stupid."

"Jeremy, you are anything but stupid and what goes on in your life is nothing to do with anyone else. You've said it yourself that you don't care what people think."

"But...." He sighs in defeat. "This time I do. I do care."

He breaks away from the embrace and sits up on the edge of the bed, sighing and rubbing the back of his neck and feeling those stress induced knots beneath his fingers. Kathleen sits up and wraps her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder.

"Jeremy....."

"I'm sorry, for putting you through this." He whispers. "If I knew.....I would never have let us get married."

"Baby, don't say that. You aren't putting me through anything, but we do need to talk about this and where we go from here. There's no shame in being attracted to women and men, Jeremy."

"It's not fair on you." Jeremy argues and she shushes him.

"What isn't fair is for you to deny who you are and that's why I have a suggestion."

Kathleen moves around him and kneels in front of her husband, pressing light kisses to the backs of his hands as she forces him to look at her. For anyone, questioning your sexuality is a big thing and she won't allow him to go through it alone, to be constantly unsure of who he is.

"I think you should experiment with Tyler. That's going to be the only way to know for sure if you really are attracted to men."

"What?" His voice is a mere squeak as he stares at her open mouthed.

"I said I think you should experiment with Tyler."

"Are you saying I've to cheat on you?" He looks at her.

"No, not cheat as such. I'm giving you my okay to explore these feelings you have and before you ask, I'm okay with it or I wouldn't suggest it. If you don't, you're always going to wonder."

Jeremy shakes his head and he can't get the words from his brain out of his mouth and he can't believe what he is hearing. 

"How...."

"I'll talk to Tyler." She tells him. "And then we'll take it from there."

"But what if it's just a phase and....?"

"And that's more reason for you to try it, baby." She reasons. "And if you don't like it or change your mind, then at least you'll know."

"And what if I do like it, Katy? What if I do like it and then I lose you."

"We won't let that happen and you aren't going to lose me, especially over something like this." She promises him and touches his cheek."I love you too much."

"I love you too."

"It's settled." She smiles and kisses his lips. "I'm going to take a shower and then I'll call Tyler and ask to meet him for lunch."

Jeremy agrees and watches her as her beautiful form sways gently as she walks into the bathroom and he isn't sure whether he should feel excited or nervous, but right now he is more worried than anything.

 

****

Dutch courage is a thing he had never needed before, not even after presenting awards or speeches at ceremonies or even while doing the stunts for a scene, but right now he feels absolutely terrified and needs something to settle his anxiety. Jeremy sips his drink and checks the time, unsure of how long he has sat there on the sofa listening to music and drinking scotch, both of which is doing nothing to distract him from his nervousness. He takes another sip and sighs, running his fingers through his hair when he suddenly flinches at the sound of a car in the driveway and it doesn't sound like Kathleen's. 

The front door opens and the click of heels on the flooring makes him even more on edge because they seem to be taking their time coming in. Jeremy hadn't realised he had been holding his breath and he chuckles nervously to himself, calling himself stupid for overreacting when Valerie steps into view from the hallway.

"Mom." He sighs in relief, his heart racing. "What are you doing here? You nearly gave me a heart attack."

"I came over to ask why you hadn't returned Nicky's emails since it's so hard for you to return any of our calls."

"I'm sorry, mom." He says guiltily. "I've just had a lot going on and forgot."

"So I see."

Valerie's harsh tone makes him feel worse and he knows he should have returned his family's calls and emails, but he didn't want to bother them when they all seemed so grounded in their own lives. He sets down the glass and sits on the edge of the sofa, feeling rotten to the core for the way he has treated them and he didn't mean to be a prize jackass.

"And obviously whatever is bothering you is making you drink in the middle of the day, too." She says as she picks up the glass, ready to pour it out. "Is that what this is about, that you have a problem?"

"Mom, I don't have a drink problem. I'm just unwinding, that's all. You don't need to worry about it."

"I do worry because you're my son, Jeremy." She sighs. "And you've never needed drink to unwind before, so I can't help but think that something is going on."

"There's nothing going on."

"I don't believe you, Jeremy Lee Renner." She says quickly. "I'm not believing that for a second. I don't know what's going on with you, but you need to wake up and smell the coffee. I know losing Brooke was heartbreaking and it was for all of us, but you can't allow yourself to wallow around all the time. It isn't doing you any good."

"This isn't about Brooke."

"Then what is it about?" His mother presses. "Are you and Kathleen not getting along?"

"It'd not that. I've just got some stuff going on that I don't feel like sharing right now. It's okay."

"I give up with you, Jeremy. I really do give up because it doesn't matter who tries to help you, you're always pushing them away and the whole family is sick and tired of it." She tells him, her temper rising quickly. "Do you know how many birthdays you've missed? Family get togethers you've avoided? It's like you don't care what family means anymore and if that's the way you want it, fine by all of us. If you don't want to be part of this family, then you're saving all of us some heartache."

Valerie leaves abruptly and slams the front door, the screeching of her car tyres on concrete scorching it with black lines. Jeremy sits there in shock. Never once had he seen his mother lose her temper like that or even heard of her being like that from any of his siblings, not even when she and his father weren't getting on. He feels empty and guilty at how his actions has made her feel and he deserved every hurtful piece of truth from her, deserving that and a thousand times more. He mentally goes through the dates over the last few months and he's missed so much and then it hits him, he had forgotten Valerie's birthday and that is what probably set off the domino of emotions. He opens his laptop and goes onto a florist website, a local vendor he has used countless times before and orders his mom the biggest bunch of flowers he can find. He hopes it will make a difference.

*****

The tyre marks in the driveway had told her that something was wrong as soon as she pulled into the property and all of a sudden her mind was going crazy. She wondered if bad news had been delivered or if Jeremy had left her and she told herself she was being irrational as she prepared herself for what waited inside. There was no way of guessing what she would find.

"What's happened?" Kathleen asks calmly, afraid of the answer as she eyes the half full ashtray. "Jeremy?"

"Nothing. It's fine, really."

"You don't look fine and all the cigarettes you've smoked confirms it." She tells him. "You can tell me."

Jeremy looks up at his wife and this time he can't keep what happened to himself because it isn't fair, especially after everything they had been through and this would be one more reason for her to distrust him. He rubs his face, his jaw tightening as he fiddles with the cigarette lighter and he struggles to look at her, frowning.

"Mom came over and we argued." He begins with a sigh.

"What did you two argue about?"

"Me, mostly." The crease in his brow deepening. "About how I've been pushing everyone away, neglecting the family get togethers. She asked what was going on."

"And what did you tell her?" 

"I told her nothing was going on and she said I obviously didn't care about the family anymore." Jeremy says and then adds soberly. "She said the whole family is sick and tired of it. They would all be a lot happier if I wasn't in the family."

Kathleen pauses, seeing the hurt in Jeremy's eyes and gently touches his shoulder. It is so unlike Valerie to ever say something so unkind about anyone, even a complete stranger who had somehow offended her and she wouldn't batt an eyelash at it, but now she isn't holding back.

"She doesn't mean it."

"You didn't hear her." He adds quickly."She meant it, every word."

"She was just upset because she doesn't understand. We should go over and explain what's going on and take it from there."

"No." Jeremy says firmly. "No. No way."

"She has to know-"

"She doesn't need to know anything and neither does anyone else." He answers sharply. 

"She's your mom and telling her would help her understand why things are so....difficult. Think about it at the very least."

"I've already thought about it and the answer is still the same, no." He adds, frustrated by her constant pushing."She doesn't need to know."

"I've never known you or your mom to fall out like this or argue and it really would help you."

"I've said no, Katy." He says stubbornly. "I'm not telling her anything......and neither are you."

Kathleen sighs deeply in frustration, even her best advice not being good enough as a wife and friend and it hurts her to hear him so ashamed of the possibility of who he may or may not be, but she can't allow him to keep this to himself because she knows better than anyone it will fester like a sore. It's painful for her to watch and at the same time she completely understands, even though she doesn't agree with it. She knows he will one day eventually be able to discuss it with Valerie, hopefully.

****

Dinner had been in a horrific atmosphere with Jeremy not saying much and Kathleen afraid to say anything in case she upset him. It isn't until she is loading the dishwasher that she remembers why she had been so eager to get home and she walks into the sitting room, unable to help herself smiling at then sight of her husband in the process of falling asleep on the sofa.

"Jeremy?" She gently touches his arm.

"Hmm?"

"I need to talk to you." She tells him and she watched him as his chest sinks in a with. "It's about Tyler."


	21. The Chase For Closure

Jeremy glances up at his wife and redirects his eyes when she meets his gaze, fidgeting with his wedding band. She frowns a little and sets down her cutlery.

"Jeremy, did you hear what I said?"

"Uh....yeah, I did." He stumbles over his words, still avoiding her eyes.

"Tyler and I had a little talk and..."

"I know what you're going to say." He says suddenly, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "He's disgusted, right? Well, I don't blame him."

Kathleen gets up quickly, concerned as she kneels down on the floor next to her husband and gently presses her hand to his cheek, forcing him to look at her. With downcast eyes, he sucks on the inside of his cheek, waiting for the reaction he already knows is coming.

"Look at me, please." She begs him and he does, her hands finding his."You've got it wrong, baby. Tyler isn't disgusted or mad or anything else but understanding. He understands."

"He...he does?"

"Yes, he does and we had a long talk about what can be done to help you." She says gently, bringing his hands up to kiss them. "And we both think that you exploring these feelings are the only way you're going to know who you are for sure. And it's okay to sound interested, Jeremy. You don't have to hide it, not from me."

His eyes fall back to the floor and she braces herself on his knee as she gets up, bending over and pressing a firm kiss to his lips.

"Think about it, okay?"

"Sure" He mumbles, his head spinning.

"Promise?" 

"Yeah, I promise." He tells her.

"I'm going to run a bath and Jeremy, please think about it."

Jeremy waits until Kathleen is out of the room and let's out a breath he had been holding, his guts churning and his head spinning as he tries to fathom what to do next. He can't deny to himself that he was interested when Katy told him about already having the chat with Tyler and he can't deny to himself that he is attracted to Tyler either. But Jeremy had tried to convince himself that his feelings towards the younger man is nothing but displaced grief or at least that's what he read online, and that his love for his daughter had someone got mixed up and directed itself somewhere else. But deep down he knows that his feelings aren't displaced grief and he really is attracted to Tyler, he just isn't sure if he wants to know for definite or not.

Kathleen stifles a yawn as she hears footsteps walk along the landing and continues reading when the bedroom door opens.

"I didn't think you were coming to bed." She says without looking up.

"I got distracted. Katy?"

"Hmmm?" She answers, still reading.

"Katy, can you please put it down for a second?"

Marking the page, she sets the book down in her lap and looks up at her husband who looks deeply troubled. He looks almost lost and uncertain, not in Jeremy's nature at all. She pats the side of the bed and he comes to her, sitting down and she can see the worry in his face and it scares her to see him like this, so used to seeing him with a brave face.

"Hey, what's going on in that mind of yours, baby?"

"I just...don't know what to say." He admits quietly. "I don't know what to do for the best."

"Telling me how you feel is a start. Have you thought about what I said?"

"Yeah." He whispers, his voice suddenly strained. "I did."

"And have you came to a decision yet?"

"I'm not sure." He shrugs, looking at the carpet. "Like I said, I'm not sure what to do for the best."

"Jeremy, you need to do what's best for you and I'll support you with whatever choice you make. But you have to do it for you. I'll still love you either way."

"I..." He starts to say and sighs. "I think I've decided."

******

His skin is sticky with the hot steam from the running shower and Jeremy inhales deeply as he stares at his blurred reflection in the steamed up mirror. His stomach churns and lurches violently as he tries to process who he might be or might not be, his brain working overtime. A knock on the bathroom door shakes him back to reality.

"Jeremy, I know you're showering, but are you okay?" Kathleen asks from the other side of the door and without warning she goes in and sees her husband standing in nothing but his boxers. "Jeremy, are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah I'm fine. I was just thinking and steam is good for the skin."

"You look like you've got something on your mind." She adds cautiously.

"I guess I do, kind of. I better shower."

Kathleen watches him as he slides down his boxers and steps into the shower cubicle, closing the door behind him and letting the hot water wash over his body. She gives him a few seconds and then she opens the door, stepping in beside him.

"Katy, what are you doing?" He asks and then adds. "You're still dressed."

"I know, but I just really wanted a hug. Is that so bad?"

"No, that isn't so bad at all." He agrees and mirrors her actions by wrapping his arms around her like her arms are around his. "You okay?"

"I'm just worried about you and what this is doing to you. I'm pleased that you decided to give things a try, with Tyler."

"Do you mean that or are you just pretending to be supportive?" He asks quietly into her wet hair.

"I'm not pretending anything, Jeremy. I want you to do what you need to do to figure out who you are. Now, come on and hand me the soap or you're going to be late for your date."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." He says and hands her the bar of soap.

 

Kathleen had insisted that he dress up for the meeting with Tyler and while he dried off, she laid out a comfortably smart and casual suit and insisted that he splash on some aftershave. She can tell that Jeremy is nervous as she pulls up outside Tyler's apartment and kills the engine, turning to him and placing her hand on his knee.

"Do you want me to come up with you?" She asks softly, gently.

"No, I'll go up on my own. I mean, you can't be there to hold my hand, right?"

"You're absolutely right." She agrees and smiles a little. "If you want me to pick you up, you just call me anytime."

"Okay, thanks. And Katy, I do love you."

"I know and I love you too." She smiles and leans over and kisses his lips. "I'll see you later and I'm going to cook you a lovely meal."

"Sounds great. See you later."

Jeremy gets out of the car and automatically looks around to see if anyone is lingering or looking suspicious, paranoid that the paparazzi could be waiting to catch a compromising photograph or two. He swallows as he approaches the entry door, holding his breath as he presses the buzzer for Tyler's apartment and he glances over his shoulder to see that where Kathleen had parked is now empty. 

The electrical buzz fades as the other side is picked up, Jeremy's breath stuck somewhere in his chest.

"Who is it?" Tyler's voice sounds over the intercom.

"It's me, Jeremy."

"Hey, come on up." The young man says and a magnetic click sounds as the heavy security door opens.

The established actor walks into the hallway and rides the elevator up to the fourth floor and steps off, his eyes carefully searching for the correct apartment. He finds it and doesn't know whether to knock or just walk in since the occupant is expecting him and he stands, suddenly unsure of which action to follow when the door opens.

"Hi, come on in and make yourself comfortable." Tyler says warmly and steps out of the way to let Jeremy in.

The older man isn't at all surprised to find the apartment so meticulously neat and organised, leather sofas surrounding a glass coffee table with scripts on top, a bookcase full of books of varying genres and he sits down on the edge of the sofa and Tyler disappears into the kitchen, returning with two ice cold beers.

"Now I don't feel so guilty having one now that I have company." Tyler says and hands Jeremy the bottle.

"Thanks. So...uh, what are you working on?"

"I printed off some old scripts at the library, old plays that's been done a thousand times." The young man explains and there is no awkwardness on his part. "I've been watching different versions of the same plays on the internet and I figured that I would recreate the different characters, give them a different spin."

"Sounds like you really have been listening to my pearls of wisdom."

"You bet." Tyler agrees. "You taught me that if I was going to do anything, to do it right and I need to up the game against the competition."

Jeremy nods and takes a sip of his beer and it feels like acid going down his throat, his hands shaking ever so slightly. If he thought he was scared before, he is now well and truly terrified.

"Jeremy, are you okay? You're shaking."

"Uh...yeah, i'm fine." He says quickly and defensively. "Just....you know."

The younger man nods and he gets it. He really does get it and turns to the man who had held his hand through the nervous times of auditions and who counselled him when the good or bad news came, who offered support and advice and brought him into his family, made him feel wanted and appreciated.

"Kathleen and I had a really nice talk over lunch." Tyler says gently, waiting for Jeremy's reaction and he can see how nervous and anxious his mentor is about the whole situation. "She told me about how you had been feeling. Can you tell me about it?"

Like a child who has been caught doing something wrong, Jeremy shakes his head and avoids making eye contract at all costs, but his nervous tics are shinning through the forced control and denial.

"She told me that you've felt.....attracted to me and that you're scared. It's okay to be scared."

"What..." Jeremy clears his throat."What else did she tell you?"

"Kathleen told me that she suggested that you experiment with these feelings, so you can know for sure and that you wanted to. Do you still want to?"

Tyler observes Jeremy for a few seconds and decides to give him all the time in the world. It's a big decision, especially for someone who is already in a comitted relationship and what makes it worse is that Jeremy had been fighting the gay rumours for years. His heart goes out to his mentor and friend and he wants to help in whatever way he can.

"Jeremy?"

The older man closes his eyes for a second and nods stiffly in response and Tyler moves closer.

"Turn and look at me.'' The young man says and Jeremy does. "Do you want to try?"

Jeremy meets his eyes for a brief second and nods before looking away, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment and uncertainty of what is going to happen later. He knows he shouldn't be worrying about later and should be focusing on now, but it's difficult when everything that he had once known is thrown into question.

"Do you trust me?"

"Yeah, I trust you." Jeremy croaks."I trust you."

"Close your eyes."

The older man does as he's asked and his heart is pounding so hard against his ribs he can feel the vibrations in his throat, his mouth drying out as he feels a very light, barely noticeable breeze on his skin. He flinches suddenly when a hand touches his cheek and Tyler shusshes him gently with reassurances, leaning in closer and closer until their lips finally meet in a kiss. Neither of them are sure about what's supposed to happen at this stage and they let things take their course, however that is.

 

******

Internet shopping has suddenly lost it's fun and Kathleen Renner decides that the lure of shopping just wasn't a big enough distraction to take her curious mind off what her husband is up to. Not even the mundane housework had been enough for her as she ironed and folded and put away clothing, dusting every possible surface in every room and then giving the carpets a thorough going over with the vacuum. Even though she has spent the best part of the day running around like a headless chicken, exhausting herself physically and trying to find other tasks to keep her occupied, it still isn't enough to stop her wondering whats going on. It would be rude to call Jeremy and possibly disrupt something and it could be enough to freak him out and he would start running or she could look like the insecure housewife.   
The psychiatrist checks the time and let's out an overly dramatic sigh and then she remembers she has a presentation to attend in a month's time, conducted and run by the health board on approved techniques and unapproved methods of psychiatry and the thought of sitting in a conference room with her colleagues, most who are egomaniacs isn't how she wants to spend her time, but she reasons that it has to be done.

Kathleen is preparing some vegetables that she plans on roasting with some lamb when she hears the front door closing and footsteps leading upstairs and she can only assume that Jeremy is back and she goes upstairs to investigate. Logical thinking squashes the possibility of the source of the footsteps as an intruder, reasoning that they would have to know the security code at the main gates.

She enters the bedroom and let's out a soft sigh when she sees her husband sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Jeremy?" She says his name softly and sits next to him. "Are you okay?"

"Fine."

"You don't look fine and I can tell something is bothering you." She tells him, looking for anything physically that could tell her what. "How did it go this afternoon with Tyler?"

"It went fine. Yeah, it was fine."

Jeremy sucks anxiously on the inside of his cheek and lip and he looks at everything, except Kathleen. He swallows and worries his bottom lip with his teeth as he feels a hand cover his own. He still can't look at her and the overwhelming emotion crushes him like an airless weight.

"Talk to me, please." She begs him." Whatever it is, it doesn't matter."

Kathleen is completely surprised when Jeremy covers his face with his hands and let's out a choked, strangled sob and she wraps her arms around him as his painful cries becomes more hysterical, more pained.

"Shhh, it's okay." She coos as he allows himself to be held. "It's all going to be okay, I promise. Just let it all out."


	22. Stepping Forward and Looking Back.

Fear of the unknown is a powerful emotion that can't be diluted by gentle reassurance and over and over the fear snowballs until it becomes an avalanche and suddenly the boogie man is sitting outside your window. Right now that's how the middle-aged actor feels, afraid to look outside for the fictional boogie man that knows about his change of heart and is ready to divulge it to the world. What had unnerved Jeremy was the idea of being attracted to the same sex, especially since he had always been attracted to women and been with women, but what had scared him was the idea of liking another man and enjoying the experiences in the same way he had with a woman. But what terrifies the actor is how people are going to take the news and that's only if the discovery got out and Jeremy didn't plan on it. He can accept who he is, but would rather that no one else other than the people he trusted knew about it. 

His eyes slowly scan the various internet pages and fan created forums, homing in on the subject of his sexuality that had come into speculation. He remembers how he was pestered for the details and how he had shunned them, refusing point blank to comment on anything and he suddenly starts to wonder if he subconsciously knew that he was bisexual. Jeremy sighs and rubs the heels of his hands into his eyes and refocuses his attention back onto the computer screen, his eyes scrolling over everything that is being written about him, in means of support and admiration towards his work and the few loose facts about his personal life, but at some point everyone had wanted to know who he was dating. It's flattering to have all the attention and Jeremy rubs his eyes again as he attempts to work out why his private business is such a big deal to everyone else and after another forty minutes of browsing the web, he still doesn't get it. He had always known that there would be people who take an interest in his life, but some of the posted comments online troubles him because they sound almost obsessed, constantly speculating and coming up with theories that really don't make any sense, at least to what they are supposedly related to. Frustrated and depressed, he closes the laptop and decides to go and do something he hasn't done in a long time and that's to play music.   
The converted basement is now a small studio set up with numerous instruments and even a recording booth, not that Jeremy sees his music as a career, but more of an outlet when things are troubling him and he sits down at the piano keyboard and stares at the black and white keys until his fingers dance over them, like two old friends greeting each other for the first time in a long time.

*****

"Oh, Hi Valerie." Kathleen says brightly once the caller identifies herself. "What can I do for you?"

"I know you're back at work part time and I wondered if maybe you were free for lunch tomorrow. It's been a while since we got together and really talked."

"Um, sure." The younger woman answers and she has a feeling she already knows what Valerie is up to."I'm free all afternoon since my caseload has been altered. Lunch sounds really great."

"Okay, well I'll see you tomorrow around one?"

"One is great and thanks for calling, Bye." Kathleen says and ends the call.

She knows exactly what her mother in law is up to and cornering her isn't going to make her divulge any of what Jeremy has confided in her and she reasons that she would be doing more damage than good by telling Valerie about what is going on with her son. Kathleen then gets back to work with her midmorning list of patients and at two, calls it a day and goes home.

 

The gentle melody of a nameless tune greets Kathleen as she arrives home and she is pleasantly surprised to hear her husband taking an interest in music after so long. The last time he had sat down and player anything was a few days before Kathleen went into labour and he hadn't touched it since. She slowly and artfully manouvers down the carpeted stairs and leanw against the doorframe, watching the way Jeremy's eyes narrow in concentration and the way he taps his foot to the silent beat inside his head.  
She loves watching him as he plays and loves it even more when he sings, but this is a song that isn't about those happy times and she knows instantly what's on his mind. 

Kathleen goes to him and places her hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly to break him out of the spell he is under.

"That sounds beautiful." She tells him as he looks up at her. "Like a lullaby."

"It kind of was, but I had to change most of it. It didn't sound right anymore."

"I understand. But it's still beautiful." She tells him again and presses a kiss to the top of his head.

"I've missed you, Katy."

"I was only at the office, you goof." She reminds him with a smile. "Have you been sitting down here all day?"

"Yeah, I know and I've been doing some research into some things."

"So you've thought about those roles you've been offered?" She asks, grinning. "That's great and it's going to do you a lot of good to get back to work."

"I haven't even looked at the proposals yet, Katy. I meant research into....into why everyone seems to take such a big interest in my private life. I just don't get it. I always knew people would take some sort of interest, but the way some people act is just crazy."

"I think it's because everyone knows exactly how handsome you are and how you're multitalented, turning your hand to almost everything." She expresses with reassurance. "I don't think your fans are out there to be mean, but they want to know you like your friends and family know you."

"You're right. I overreacted and there's going to be some things that I don't understand and I don't think I ever will."

"It isn't the end of the world, Jeremy." She smiles at him. "I love you for who you are and you need to start loving yourself a bit more."

"And I love you for being you. How about we go out to dinner or something or catch a movie?"

"Dinner and a movie sounds like a better idea than whatever is in the freezer and a rerun of scrubs." Kathleen laughs. "Okay, give me half an hour and then I'm all yours."

 

******

They had chosen to go and see a horror movie and they both ended up giggling like schoolgirls at the rest of the audience's reactions, the other viewers screaming and jumping in surprise and then there was the girl who had to be led out by her boyfriend because she was so distraught. They had truly enjoyed the experience even though the couple had missed eighty-odd percent of the film, what they did see was pretty good and they decide to talk about it over dinner.

"I thought that kid in the front row was going to break his fingers the way he was holding onto the chair." Jeremy says laughing and Kathleen joins him as they share a bottle of wine.

"And did you see that old guy with the glasses in front of us? I thought he was going to go purple the way he was squeezing his eyes closed."

"Yeah, I saw him and it looked like he needed to go to the bathroom." The actor laughs. "He was more scared than his girlfriend."

"It wasn't that scary."

"Hey, you were too busy laughing to see anything on the screen." He adds quickly, making her laugh again. "But there was a lot of gore in it right from the start."

"The parts I did manage to see did look good, but really the people around us were far more entertaining. How's your ribs?"

"I think they'll heal just fine, but please don't suggest we go see another one anytime soon." He smirks around his glass. "I don't think my old heart would take it."

"Renner, we both you've seen more exciting things than that movie."

"Maybe I have and maybe I haven't." He replies with a shrug, a faint smile tugging in his lips. "Let's order because i'm starving."

A highschool aged waitress takes their orders and retreats into the stuffy kitchen, moving around the busy tables and then gathers up the used dishes. While they wait, they joke and laugh and tease one another over silly things and their laughing spell seems to go on forever. Eventually the food arrives and they begin their meal, washing it down with a third bottle of wine and they both acknowlege that they've missed this part of their relationship, just enjoying each other's company in front of everyone, being open about their relationship without hiding behind sunglasses and hats. 

Excited chatter rings out over the diners heads as four women walk in, looking over at Jeremy and Kathleen, talking and pointing and then they eventually introduce themselves and ask for some autographs and a few pictures. Most women would be jealous or insecure, but Kathleen accepted and knew that this would always be a big part of her husband's work and she has to admit that the three girls are extremely pleasant, involving Kathleen into the conversation and give the married woman compliments that do make the whole situation a lot more relaxed, but It's the fourth girl who seems to be causing problems. 

Kathleen tries to keep the conversation going as the fourth girl starts talking.

"I really love all your movies, but what really put me off everything since the town is that you always get made out to be the best actor out there." The girls tells him and Jeremy tries to keep pleasant and friendly. "But there are so many better and talented actors out there. I hated the hurt locker."

"Oh, why's that?" 

"Because I don't believe that anyone who is being shot at would show that kind of compassion to a dead kid." She tells him and her friends look embarrassed. "I mean, the kid is dead right so what good would it do to take the kid out and give it to strangers?"

"What we were trying to show is that even soldiers on the front line are compassionate and most of them have families of their own. Most of the people the military they encounter are people stuck in the middle of two sides. The soldiers know the people around them are mostly innocent."

"But it could have been done so much better." The girl whines. "And since you brought up family, how is it since losing the little girl?"

"It's been....difficult. But everything happens for a reason. Thank you for asking.

"Did they ever do an autopsy or anything like that because did you know that something like seventy percent of baby deaths are caused by a parent?" She rattles on. "The statistics show that it's always the mothers who snap and shake their babies. Probably happened when you weren't looking, but some people shouldn't be parents. Your wife is a doctor right, so she will know the basics to make it look like an accident."

The actor has had enough and he tries to dismiss her without losing his temper, but his words fall on deaf ears as she recites poisonous insinuations and makes cruel comments and her friends are trying their best to defuse the situation and comfort Kathleen who can't help but stare open mouthed in horror as the other diners turn around and stare.

"I think you should give up the acting business, you know. You're not as defined as most and could use a lot of work. Now with no baby you'll have all the time in the world and I bet that's a huge relief so you can do better...."

"Enough." Jeremy says icily, his tone harsh, angry and bitter. "That's enough. You don't have any right to say that!"

Everyone, including Kathleen is surprised by Jeremy's sudden outburst and yet she is thankful that he had stepped in because there's no way she would have been able to listen to anymore.

"Just who the hell do you think you are?" He snaps. "You don't know anything about us or what we've gone through, and if you really don't like me that much then find someone else to abuse because you aren't talking to me or my wife like that."

"Oh you think you're so high and mighty, squashing anyone who gets in your way because you're rich and famous, but all you are is a little boy who is playing make believe. Go die, Renner and do the entire world a favour by dropping off the face of the earth just like your baby did. You're nothing. You're a loser who can't even hold onto a child or an Oscar and one day the whole world is going to find that out. You make me sick!"

The girl's friends pull the trouble maker away and apologise profoundly, deciding not to stay and eat after the scene that was just made, but to leave as quickly as possible as other diners whisper and mumble to each other. Once they are gone, Kathleen excuses herself to the bathroom and locks herself inside the toile cubicle, needing a few minutes to compose herself and when she returns to the table she sees that their dinner bill has already been paid for and Jeremy is giving the waiting staff a generous tip for the trouble that had been caused over him. 

 

The taxi ride home had been in an awkward, uncomfortable silence and even the driver had noticed. The driver had given up on small talk and listened to the chatter of the two-way radio, minding his own business as the couple in the back completely ignored each other. He curiously wonders what had happened between them, but to ask is most unethical.

*****

Kathleen wipes off her make-up and wraps her robe around her downstairs and she is saddened to find Jeremy sitting on the sofa with a bottle of vodka and a glass in front of him. He stares dead ahead at the blank TV screen and is lost in his own little world until the floorboard creeks. He sighs and drains the contents of the glass in one gulp and rubs his hands together anxiously.

"I'm sorry for losing my temper." He says quietly. "I shouldn't have done that. I only embarrassed you and made a scene in front of everyone." 

"Jeremy, you didn't make a scene. It was that girl that did it and she said all those horrible things. You stood up for yourself."

"I still shouldn't have lost my temper with her." He says again and pours a generous measure of vodka into the glass and Kathleen watches his every movement.

"What was it that upset you?"

"All of it." He answers and gulps down the liquid.

"Was it what she said about Brooke?"

"Like I said, all of it." Jeremy sighs and ribs his hands across his face. "But mostly that. I don't care if people don't like me or decide to trash my career, but bringing something so....personal into it bothers me. In a lot of ways she was right."

Kathleen looks at him with a concerned expression and she can't quite believe what she is hearing. Never has she heard him so defeated and he sounds like he's ready to give up and it scares her to think that his will and patience and self-esteem is falling apart.

"What do you think she is right about?" She asks and waits for a reply which takes longer than she had expected.

"About everything. About not being able to hold onto anything, not an award....or Brooke."

"Jeremy, everything she said is wrong. You aren't a loser and you always said that the awards were nice, but you didn't really care if you won them or not. But I know it's the comment about Brooke that is bothering you the most, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"That girl was so wrong about you and I really don't want you to take it to heart, but I know it's hard." She says soothingly, stroking his cheek."That girl was nasty and she knew that by bringing Brooke into it she would get a reaction."

"So, you aren't mad at me for ruining dinner?"

"No, I'm not mad." She smiles and kisses his forehead. "It just makes me love you even more. Now, why don't we put this vodka away and go on up to bed?"

"Sounds great and tonight it's my choice of movie."

"It's a deal." She beams and leads him upstairs.


	23. Lunch Date

Chapter Twenty-three 

 

As predicted, an article appeared on the internet and the piece was mostly discrediting the actor's career and then it was reported how the Hollywood actor had verbally abused a member of the public after she decided to give him some constructive criticism. However, the details of what the blog writer had said to Jeremy Renner wasn't mentioned or even hinted at, making the entire situation look like an egotistical outburst and not for what it really was and knowing the media, no one would find out unless Jeremy made a statement. His agent had suggested it to counteract any bad publicity from the blog and he flat out refused to apologise or give what happened in the restaurant any more time in the centre stage and made his feelings perfectly clear on the matter. The actor would have his right to privacy, whether anyone agreed with it or not, but his wishes weren't even considered when the online gossip forums and pages finally jumped on the band wagon.

The girl from the restaurant's story had grown arms and legs over night and Kathleen feels sick to her stomach as she reads it and then moves onto the gossip websites, who are adding on their own opinions and blowing the entire situation out of proportion. She doesn't like what they are saying about her husband and her blood starts to boil beneath the surface when one gossip website openly tells it's readers that Kathleen was a victim to Jeremy's violent temper and claimed that a source close to the couple confirmed it. She is furious with the lies and she is furious at the so-called reporter who latches onto celebrities and is making Jeremy out to be the one in the wrong, especially since the man wasn't there and didn't witness what actually happened. She is equally as furious with the girl from the restaurant and she doesn't have time to dwell on such feelings when she has to meet her mother in law for lunch and no doubt Valerie will have a hundred burning questions about what actually took place.

Vinchenzo's, a small Italian deli turned cafe that offers a delicious range of fresh sandwiches, soups and an interesting collection of pastries and coffees and the happy customers can purchase tubs of olives, sliced meats and cheeses and fresh breads, along with other delicious goodies that has everyone going back for more and that is one of the reasons why Vinchenzo's is the best place to enjoy a quick lunch break, a business meeting or a get together with a friend. Valerie Renner is already sitting at a table in the corner when Kathleen arrives and as soon as the young woman sits down, a glass if wine is poured and the two women exchange pleasantries and finally, get down to business.

"What happened with that girl in the restaurant, Kathleen?" Valerie asks worriedly. " What happened to make Jeremy lose his temper like that?"

"The girl who wrote that blog, her friends were fan-girling all over him and the one that wrote that blog started to bad mouth him, trying to discredit him and his career. When she realised that she wasn't getting then reaction she wanted, she got personal and Jeremy snapped."

"I had a feeling it wasn't just about his work." The older woman agrees, sighing. "He takes criticism constructively and always has, even when he maybe hasn't liked what people have said. How personal did this girl get?"

"Very. She brought Brooke into it and said that if he couldn't keep hold of an oscar, how could he hold onto a baby. She said a lot of other nasty things, all about losing Brooke."

"That little bitch!" Valerie hisses furiously. "And then she goes online and makes it sound like she was all sweet and innoccent."

"And a lot of people believe her, Val. And the gossip mill is turning at full speed and now, according to whichever website you look at, I'm a victim of domestic abuse."

Valerie Renner's mouth drops open and she can't believe what she is hearing, disgusted by the rumour that is in no anywhere near true and she can't believe so many people would be willing to believe what's written online without facts and evidence.

"And once Jeremy releases his own statement this girl's real colours will show through."

"Jeremy isn't making a statement." Kathleen says quietly. 

"Why not? This girl has twisted what's happened to suit her own means."

"I know, Val and I agree with you that he should be saying something to everyone out there." The younger woman answers and she wishes they hadn't even gone to dinner that night."But I understand his reasons for not doing it either."

"Jeremy has always valued his privacy and I've never heard him say a bad word against anyone professionally or personally."

"He thinks it would just being more attention to us." Kathleen answers.

"It might, but it doesn't matter what you do there's always going to be unwanted attention where you're in the eyes of everyone, but what that girl did was.....nasty and vicious." 

"It was horrible." She agrees and then sighs. "I think out of all the things that could be said to Jeremy, that one comment really was the icing on the cake."

"The main thing is that you and Jeremy are okay."

"We're fine, honest." Kathleen smiles, hearing the tenderness in her mother-in-laws voice. "Neither of us were expecting it to be honest."

"I know and this fad with the gossip rags will fade over time. They'll lose interest and move onto someone else."

"They always do." The younger woman answers.

Lunch had been enjoyable with good company, lots of laughs, good food and a bottle of wine and both Kathleen. and Valerie are saddened to have their catch up come to an end over a pot of coffee. But something is on the older woman's mind as she stirs cream and sugar into her cup and Kathleen can tell. Like Jeremy, she can read her mother in law like a book, but she knows when to pick her fights and knows when not to add more pressure the problem and make it seem harder to discuss. The feeling of not being able to talk would snowball and the worry would become bigger than the original problem.

"Valerie, are you okay?"

"Hmm?" Valerie asks as she looks up with confusion in her eyes. "Oh, yes I'm fine."

"You don't seem it and maybe talking about it would help."

"I'm not sure it would help." The older woman says sadly, sighing. "I'm not sure if I'm being an overly protective mother or there really is something going on with Jeremy."

" What makes you think there's a problem?" 

"I had gone over to speak to Jeremy because I knew something was going on when he wasn't returning Nicky's emails and then we argued."Valerie answers honestly, rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration. 

"What was the argument about?"

"I walked in and found him drinking during the day and I'll admit, I was a bit harsh and probably overreacted but I was worried." The older woman answers and swallows hard. "I was worried that he had a drinking problem and then I....I brought Brooke into it and I shouldn't have."

"What did you say?"

A silence falls between then and the clatter of cutlery on plates is deafening and Kathleen sees the tears forming in the older woman's eyes and she feels them building in her own. She wants to know what had been said in the argument and where this conversation is heading and she hopes that neither of them are ambushed by their grief and whirlpool emotions that they seem to have no control over. Kathleen decides not to interrupt and let's Valerie continue with what had happened. 

"I told him that I thought he was wallowing in selfpity and I was so angry at him for missing out on everything, birthdays and family get together." Valerie says, dabbing her eyes. "I was so angry about all of it and how he rejected everyone and their help and I told him that if he didn't care about family, then neither should we. I pretty much told him that we were done with him."

"Jeremy would have known you didn't mean it and you only said it because you were angry and hurt."

"I just wanted him to snap out of it." She tells her. "I just wanted him to be a husband as best as he can, be a son and a brother and an uncle."

"He's still all of those things, and more."

"I just don't know what to think anymore." Valerie says and then adds, tears dribbling down her cheeks. "I wish I knew what was wrong so that I could help. Do you know whats going on with him?"

A pause, an awkward beat of silence and it tells Valerie that Kathleen does know what is troubling her son and she normally would openly ask what the problem is, but she doesn't want to push in her nose where it isn't wanted and create a resentment because she placed her daughter in law in an uncomfortable position. The two women avoid each others gazes as the waitress collects their dirty dishes and they are once again forced to break the mutual silence.

"Yes, I do know what's going on." Kathleen finally says and a part of her wishes she hasn't.

"What is it?"

"Jeremy has been.....going through a change, a very big one." The younger woman answers. "And I don't think Jeremy even knows what he's going ri do about it. The truth is that he's scared by peoples judgement and reactions and what damage this could bring."

"Is he sick and not telling me?"

"He's perfectly healthy, but still a little crazy." She says with a smile and the worry deepens in Valerie's eyes."Jeremy.....he's discovered he is...bisexual."


	24. Bridge Over Troubled Water

Chapter Twenty four

 

When you love someone, you respect their choices and support their decisions regardless of your own personal feelings and even though Kathleen had broken her husband's trust and she truly believed she had done it for the right reasons, but now she is feeling guilty. Seeing the feud between mother and son wasn't easy, especially with how they had always been close and the worry and concern Valerie expressed made the decision easier to make, but she has no idea how Jeremy is going to react to his mother being in on his secret. As a wife, as a therapist and as a human being, she can understand completely why such a revelation is unnerving and the fear of being discriminated and rejected is larger than life, larger than the actual issue itself and she feels depressed at breaking a confidence and putting her husband in a situation he clearly didn't want to be in and time would tell if she had made the right choice of divulging Jeremy's life changing emotion.

*****

"Hey." Jeremy says warmly as he kisses the top of his wife's head."How did lunch go?"

"It was good, but I have no idea what we actually talked about for two hours."

"You women are all the same." he playfully teases. "Always gossiping about something or talking about hair and nails or who wore what to the last party."

"Oh, stop it. We aren't that bad and you know it. We aren't as bad as some people out there."

"Not yet anyway." he throws a smile at her.

"Ha ha. So, what did you get up to while I was gone? And there's fresh coffee in the pot."

"I washed my hair and painted my nails." he says in a girly voice and strikes a pose.

"You're such......such a jackass."

"Yeah, I know." he smiles. "But you love me for it."

"Someone has to."

"Hey!" Jeremy tries to sound hurt and angered by the comment. "I'm a very loveable guy as you know and you wouldn't have married me if you didn't love me."

"I only married you for your money, you know."

"And there I thought it had something to do with my charming personality and good looks." He answers, both of them erupting in laughter. "Damn, I tried to be serious."

"You were very convincing. I'm thinking we should snuggle up on the sofa for a little while and watch a movie, maybe eat some ice cream?"

"That's an offer I'm finding impossible to pass up. Lead the way, mama." He smiles and gives her a quick kiss.

The couple work their way through two tubs of ice cream and three movies, stealing kisses and giggling like love sick teenagers who are in the back of the cinema and neither of them care that there could be a hundred things to be done around the house, because all that matters is this moment. In between movies and the debate on what to watch next, they talked about going away for a few days so they could have time to themselves without anyone else hanging around or barfing in and they are both asleep when the doorbell chimes.

"I'll get it." Jeremy says as he playfully pushes Kathleen off his lap and answers the door. "Mom.....what are you doing here?"

"I thought I would drop on on my way home. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"Uh, no of course not." He tells her, surprised by her casual visit. "Come on in."

Valerie passes him and goes into the sitting room where Kathleen is slouched comfortably on the sofa and she turns to her son who is standing awkwardly in the doorway, massaging the small muscles in his hands. And no one really knows what to say, especially Jeremy and Valerie since their bust up.

"I'll go put some coffee on." Kathleen says and is stopped by Valerie.

"That's okay, Kathleen." The eldest woman says softly. "I actually came here for a reason and it's to talk to Jeremy."

"I'll go make some coffee anyway." The younger Renner woman announces and is again stopped.

"Actually, I think you should be here when we talk because it does involve you." Valerie answers. "Jeremy, I know that recently things haven't been good, but you're my son and I still love you." 

"Mom, I know you do and I appreciate you coming over but you don't need to worry about me and Katy."

"I'll always worry, but I need to talk to you and I need you to listen." She says softly and Jeremy nods in response, prompting her to continue. "This year hasn't been easy for anyone, especially you two and I know that there's something going on now that is troubling you."

"Mom, things are okay. We're still.....adjusting to everything that's happened, but it's going to get easier. It has to."

Jeremy's voice is quiet and it's because he's trying to convince himself just as much as anyone, but mostly Kathleen who is still devastated by the loss of their daughter and he doesn't know if she will ever heal from it or just harbour grief and guilt. They had come so far and yet they still have even further to go on the journey, unable to tell when it will get easier or better and for all they know the scars may never heal.

"If something was going on I would tell you." He tells his mother softly.

"So there isn't anything going on?" Valerie asks curiously.

"There's nothing." He answers pointedly, becoming annoyed at the whole conversation. "Now what's really going on and I want the whole truth."

"Jeremy, you're my son and I just want you to know that we love you." the eldest woman answers. "And I know that discovering a new side to your sexuality is a big thing and -"

"You told her?!" Jeremy snaps at Kathleen. "You told her!"

"Jeremy, I had to." His wife answers."It was to help you accept it."

"I told you not to say anything to anyone and you go and tell my mom." He is angry, furious and feeling betrayed. "Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"I did it for you!" Kathleen says, raising her voice above his angry mutterings. "I didn't want you going through this alone."

"We love you, Jeremy." His mother says sadly. "Just the way you are and nothing is going to change that, even if you are attracted to men and women."

The actor shakes his head and feels a cord tightening around his neck, his head spinning as the ground falls from underneath his feet and he can already imagine the headlines now; Renner has wife and boyfriend, Renner cheats on wife, married to cover up sexuality. Even angrier than before, he grabs the keys to his car and strides down the hallway with his wife and mother following him.

"Jeremy, we need to talk about this." Kathleen pleads with him following him as does Valerie. 

"There's nothing to talk about because you've said everything that shouldn't have been said." He answers, his eyes narrowing in hurt."I trusted you and you broke your promise."

"It wasn't done out of badness. I only told Valerie because I thought that by telling her it would help you." His wife argues. "I did what I thought was right."

"You were wrong, Katy. You had no right to say anything but you did it anyway." He tells her, the hurt stronger than the anger. "I told you why I didn't want anyone to know about.....about this.....goddamn change and you broke your promise to me. I can't forgive you for this."

******

The bubbling coffee pot is the only noise to travel throughout the house and the only occupant is Kathleen Renner in the sitting room. She hasn't moved from the sofa and has been clock watching the entire two and a half hours her husband had been gone and her worry is growing. She had already tried ringing Jeremy's cellphone and was dismissed by the instant voicemail. She understands completely that he needs to have some time on his own, but he could at least tell her that he is okay, even in a text message would do and it would stop the worry from gnawing at Kathleen's nerves. The house is so eerily quiet and she wishes she had agreed to Valerie wanting to stay for a little while, but instead she declined her mother in laws offer of company and had decided that it would be best if she and Jeremy talk without an audience. He is hurt and angry with her, both of which is completely understandable given the circumstances and eventually he will come home where they can talk about what had happened like adults, or at least that's the idea. Time dwindles on and shadows glimmer over the walls as passing cars slowly pass by in the street, every set of headlights a faint hope for Kathleen.

It's gone midnight and Kathleen has heard nothing from her husband since his sudden departure and it worries her that he has been gone so long and still has his cellphone switched off. The mattress on the bed feels lumpy and the duvet and sheets feel scratchy, everything irritating and uncomfortable as Kathleen tosses and turns, waking up to squint in the darkness to see if her husband had returned. Every time she sees the empty side of the bed, her stomach knots and the worry grows bigger. Huffing in exertion and frustration, she tries his cellphone again and is surprised to hear it ring and decides to leave a message. She doesn't know what to say and she knows that what she does say will never be enough to apologise or make things right, especially since she had broken a promise to him to keep quiet on the subject of his sexuality.

"Jeremy.....it's me. I know I shouldn't have told your mom, but she was so worried about what's been going on with you and I just wanted to help." She tells the recording service. "I thought I was doing the right thing and I hope that one day you can see that. I love you and I would never do anything intentionally to hurt you or us. What we have is special and I.....I don't want to throw that away. Even if you don't want to talk......please, just let me know you're okay."

It feels like her words of honesty, love and regret are falling on deaf ears and deep down Kathleen can't blame Jeremy for being mad with her, because she would have been the same if their roles had been swapped.  
Actually, she would have been furious and yelled at the top of her lungs for as long as she could just to get her feelings across and make Jeremy believe he had done the wrong thing, even if it was meant with the best of intentions.

She watches the time slowly ticks by and the scream of the alarm clock jolts Kathleen awake and she rubs her eyes in confusion. She realised that she must have fallen asleep and instantly checks her husband's side of the bed, finding it still empty. A chill kisses her skin as she pulls on her robe, slowly taking the stairs with ease because she dreads what could be waiting for her. All night she had worried and several scenarios had entered her mind, one being that Jeremy had left and wouldn't be returning, another was finding that a letter had been left and it was Jeremy asking for a divorce and another one was that Jeremy had done something incredibly stupid. She shudders at the worst scenario imaginable and stifles a gasp when she sees him asleep on the sofa, curled up on his side with the blanket up to his chin and she is tempted to run her fingers through his hair or kiss his head, but she can see the exhaustion in his relaxed features that show deep lines of worry. She let's him sleep and brews some coffee, unsure of where they will go now that a trust had been broken. 

***

He had heard the gentle creak of the stairs and the soft footsteps on the carpet, could feel himself being watched and then being left as he is. He had wanted to say something since he had spent so long just thinking and going over everything again and again, but he couldn't find the words to even try to explain what is going through his head. The smell of freshly ground coffee beans fills the air, a warm and pleasant aroma of instant comfort and an energy boost for those who didn't function without caffeine.

"Kathleen?"

"Jeremy?" She jumps, holding her hand against her chest. "Are you okay? Where did you go?"

"It's not important where I went, but we need to talk." 

She nods and braces herself for whatever is on his mind and tries not to show the feeling she has about what he is going to say. And the thing is, she doesn't blame him for feeling like that.


	25. Pieces

Kathleen looks down into the freshly brewed coffee and braces herself for the conversation she had been dreading. She hadn't slept and by the looks of Jeremy, neither had he and she wonders if he was thinking about ways to bring up the subject of divorce. She knows she has broken a boundary and believes that she must pay the price for that betrayal, even if it means her heart getting broken in the process. Jeremy is clearly troubled and looks conflicted, stuck between a rock and an even harder place and beating around the bush and prolonging the inevitable conversation about their row is only going to make things worse.

"The only reason I told Valerie is because I love you and I can see what this secret is doing to you. I don't want you to feel ashamed of who you are, but I shouldn't have gone to her without speaking to you first." She tells him and shusshes him when he tries to interrupt her. "I would do anything for you, Jeremy. I would do absolutely anything for you."

"Kathleen, I know that you would and-"

"Let me finish what I need to say." She shushes him again, becoming emotional. "I deserved the cold shoulder for breaking my promise, but I need you to know I didn't do it out of badness and I've decided that when the divorce is being processed, I don't want anything. I don't deserve anything. I....I won't fight it."

"Kathleen, what are you talking about? I'm not asking for a divorce."

"You.....you aren't?" She gulps down a sob and stares at him in bewilderment.

"No and why the hell would I want to divorce you?"

"Because I was stupid. I hurt you by telling Valerie and you weren't ready to tell her." She explains, feeling a little lost.

"Katy, I wasn't asking for a divorce and I'm sorry I gave you that impression."

"Then....what did you want to talk about?" She asks, perplexed.

"I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for expecting you to keep what was going on as a.....dirty secret. It wasn't fair for me to make you do that and I get why you told mom. That's why I want to say thank you."

It feels as if a weight has been lifted from her shoulders and she stifles a relieved cry, composing herself as best as she can. Jeremy goes to her and hugs her tightly. 

"If it wasn't for you I never would have told anyone. I guess.....I guess I was ashamed to admit that......things had changed." He tells her quietly.

"Baby, you should never be ashamed  
of who you are. I'm so proud of you for being open and experimenting to find yourself."

"I was worried that it would put a strain on our relationship. To me, it's just the same as cheating." He answers, partly frustrated.

"And I told you to experiment and if I thought it was cheating I wouldn't have encouraged you to try things with Tyler."

"I've been a real goof about all of this." He looks up at her with a hesitant smile.

"But you're my goof, Jeremy and that's all that matters."

"I should go over and see mom. Explain what's been going on." he tells himself out loud. "I wonder if she told dad."

"Is that what you're worried about his reaction?" 

Her husband nods and looks away. Lee Renner had never once criticised any of his children in a negative way and would often offer as much support as he could give, but Kathleen understands where Jeremy's concern had come from. There was a family reunion and in the early hours of the morning, a very intoxicated Lee Renner had made a comment that everyone in the room was surprised to hear. He had called a musician on the T.V a 'fag' and he made further comments about the legalisation of equal rights and marriages, saying that he also agreed with the treatment of homosexuals when they were stripped naked, force fed their own anatomy, murdered and dumped as a warning to other homosexuals and it's supporters. Lee's wife had been furious and sent her husband to bed and shortly after the party dispersed and everyone was feeling rather confused by the outburst. That had stuck with Jeremy and he feared that he would made an outcast by his own father. 

"I really don't think you have anything to worry about." She tells him kindly. "Everyone says things they shouldn't when they're drunk and Lee was doing just that."

"Maybe. Right now, I don't want to think about it."

"Do you want me to go with you to your moms?" She asks.

"I think that's a good idea."

 

*******

Valerie Renner is surprised to find her son and daughter in law in her sitting room. She had nearly had a heart attack when she found them and dropped the washing basket of fresh laundry. After the following nights argument, she is surprised to see them together and at all.

"You scared the hell out of me!" Valerie exclaims and then starts laughing. "I wasn't expecting you or I would have made some lunch."

"It's okay, Val. I'm just dropping Jeremy off and then I'll pick him up on the way back."

"I'm worried since I gave you my credit card." He answers, chuckling.

"You know I'm not even that bad and besides, a little retail therapy I'd exactly what I need."

"Uhuh." He says with a smile. "Any excuse to go shopping."

"Well, I'm pleased to see you two have sorted things out." The older woman announves happily. "Kathleen, go into Sawyers and pick up a leg of lamb and we can have dinner."

"And I'll pick up something nice from the bakery for dessert." Kathleen agrees and gives her husband a lingering kiss. "Be good or at least try to be good."

Jeremy and Valerie watch from the window as Kathleen leaves with a list of what she is to get from the supermarket and various stores and Kathleen was pleased to give mother and son some extra time together to talk things over. Valerie makes a pot of tea and grabs the cookie jar that she had hidden from the grandchildren.

"You're letting me into the cookie stash?" he asks brightly. "That's not a clever move." 

"And you would be the first to complain if you didn't have something to go with the tea. Luckily for you there's still some left and not just crumbs." 

"I'm not that bad, am I?" he laughs and then admits that it's true. "I remember you used to make those butter cookies and we all used to fight over them." 

"That's a hint if I ever heard one. I'll make some the next time you come round, but you've came here for a reason and not for cookies and tea."

"The cookies and tea is an added bonus." he jokes and smiles weakly in defeat at being read so easily. "Yeah, I didn't just come over for cookies and tea. I wanted to talk to you about what happened and what's going on."

"Sweetie, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to and I'll be here when you are."

"I'm ready, mom." Jeremy tells her gently."I'm just......"

"Scared? It's okay to be scared, Jeremy. Everyone gets scared about things, especially when they're different or new experiences."

The young man listens to his mother who is much wiser in the department of life, the big bad world and Jeremy told her that he had already questioned his sexuality and even explored his curiosities with encouragement from Kathleen. He told his mother that he is bisexual and loves Kathleen with all of his heart, but he was afraid that his new desire and attraction to the same sex would come between them. She told her son honestly that if Kathleen thought that his sexuality would be an issue she never would have encouraged it and he knows she is right. Valerie then told Jeremy that he had nothing to be ashamed of and should be proud of who he is, giving her love as a way of permission.

"Did... did you tell dad or the others?"

"It wasn't my place to say anything to them about it. You would tell them when you're ready." Valerie says supportively. "Is that what you're worried about?"

"It's not really everyone else, but more....."

"You're father?" She asks and sighs irritated when he nods. "Jeremy, is this about that drunken rant he had years ago?"

"I guess you heard all about it, huh?"

"Your sisters told me and your stepsisters called me the next day to apologise to everyone." She places her hand on top of his. "You're father always did have a big mouth when he drank too much, but just because he said it, doesn't mean he meant it."

"You didn't see him, mom. He sounded serious like when you two used to argue or when he was working. He meant every word."

"Maybe he did, Jeremy." Valerie sighs in defeat. "But you're still his son and he's still your dad and it doesn't matter what you're sexual preference is. Just go and talk to him."

"And what if he disowns me for telling him the truth?"

"You're still his son and he loves you." She makes it perfectly clear in reassurance.

"But can he love a son who is attracted to men and women?"

Valerie doesn't have an answer for her son and it breaks his heart to see the nod, the self acknowledgement that he was most likely right about the situation with his father. She sees a pained expression, an ashamed one. She sees her vulnerable boy who needs the love and support of both his parents and right now, she is the only one capable of giving it. She understands that a parent would find such a confession difficult to deal with depending on their own morals and beliefs, but in all the years she had been with Lee Renner, never had she had him pegged as being homophobic.

Valerie had prepared and cooked a delicious leg of lamb with all the trimmings and Kathleen had brought in a toffee apple pie from the bakery. The meal was comforting on so many levels, but even the good food wasn't enough to perk up the actor's mood. All through dinner he had been completely depressed and the powerful emotion stayed with him throughout the rest of the evening, making him moody and irritable. Kathleen decides to give her husband his space and takes the opportunity of having an early night when he joins her, suddenly sitting on the edge of the bed in the darkness.

"There's going to be a lot of trouble if people find out about this." he says quietly. "There's still a stigma, especially in acting and it doesn't matter how the industry says it's moved on."

"What would they do? It isn't like you can change who you are just to fit in with them."

"I could be offered less work, turned down for roles and pushed out at award ceremonies. Associating with....someone like me is a bad career move." He replies and is stuggling with the idea of rejection.

"This isn't the dark ages, Jeremy. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but no one should get treated like that."

"But people do." He says with certainty. "And there isn't anything anyone can do to stop it. It's like a curse."

The fear and sadness is evident in his eyes, even in the darkness and Kathleen can also see it as clear as day. She has had patients in the past who displayed a range of emotions when their sexuality suddenly became a problem to other people. She remembers the emotional and physical torture and the many ways they fought with their inner demons, seeing emotional wrecks and bruised faces. 

"You aren't cursed." She tells him gently and squeezes his hand tightly. "I would say you're blessed."

"Blessed?"

"Because not everyone can deal with the emotional changes that comes with such a big personal discovery." She says soothingly. "Not everyone can cope with the reactions they get from others, but you can. You can take this in your stride like you do with everything else and you're a strong person, and you have support from the people that care about you."

"Sounds like a sales pitch."

"It's not a sales pitch." Kathleen says impatiently. "I'm trying to help you see that being who you are is okay." 

"Sorry. I guess I'm a little touchy about all of this." 

"That's normal, but you have to think about what this is going to do to you if you keep wondering about the outcome." she explains and goes to him, wrapping her arms around him. "The only people who will judge you for it are people who aren't worth bothering about. Your family is going to know something is going on and they deserve to know, but no one else has to know if that's what you want."

"What would I do without you? You're always the sensible and reasonable one. I'm lucky to have you."

"Just remember that I like chocolate, ice cream and lots of wine." She teases as they hug. "Don't let this get you down because you're better than that. Go speak to youe dad and if you want I'll come with you."

"I think I should do this on my own with dad. It needs to come from me."

*********

Jeremy finds his dad in a sun lounger in the back yard, sipping an ice cold beer and listening to the radio. The scene is perfect and is about to be spoiled. On the drive over, Jeremy had gone over at least two dozen versions of how he could start the conversation and had even imagined various reactions verging on good responses and bad. He really has no idea on how Lee is going to take the news, but he has to tell his dad. Lee senses someone behind him and glances over his shoulder and directs a smile of welcome to his son.

"Come on and sit down, have a beer." The older man says enthusiasticly and hands him a beer. "Here."

"Thanks."

"Are you going to tell me what's on your mind or am I going to have to sit and guess?" Lee asks, watching his son carefully.

"What makes you think something's going on, dad?"

"Jeremy, you're my son and I know you better than you know yourself." He tells Jeremy. "You never could keep a secret from us when you were a kid. Come on, what's bothering you, kiddo?" 

Lee Renner waits patiently for his son to tell him what's troubling him and admires the view of his surroundings at the same time. The yard is tranquil and peaceful, a koi pond with a stone waterfall, lots of stone pathways through the flowers and then the kid's play area on soft rubber and bark.

"It's not that simple, dad." Jeremy says quietly, his gaze falling to the stone patio."It's pretty complicated."

"Are you and Kathleen having trouble?"

"No, we're fine. Actually we're better than fine." The youngest Renner answers. 

"Is Kathleen pregnant?"

"What?" Jeremy asks, shocked and then snaps out of it. "No, she isn't. Just.....let me say what I need to."

"Go ahead."

"Dad, I need to tell you something and.....I know you aren't going to like it." The actor says finally, verbally falling over himself with nerves. 

"It can't be that bad, kiddo. Nothings ever that bad that you can't tell me."

"I'm.....I've questioned myself a lot and I've discovered that...." His heart races and his mouth feels dry, the beer bitter and acidic. "Kathleen's helped me.....she's helped me realise a few things about myself and....I'm....I'm not just interested in women, dad. I'm.....bisexual."


	26. Keeper

Lee regards his son for a minute or two and the pregnant silence gnaws at Jeremy like a mosquito bite. He doesn't know how his father is going to take the revelation and is awaiting an explosive violent reaction. But it doesn't come. Lee sits there silently, his thumb circling the mouth of the beer bottle and tongue in cheek. Jeremy knows by his father's body language he isn't at all happy.

"When were you planning on telling me your big secret?" Lee asks, grudgingly.

"It's not a secret, dad and I had to figure it all out for myself before I told anyone."

"And you're sure you're....attracted to men and this isn't just some mixed up emotions because of what happened with Brooke?" He asks, attempting to discredit his son's feelings.

"Brooke has nothing to do with this! And yeah, I'm sure. I've even been with another guy dad and it felt right, but I love Kathleen and I'm attracted to her just the same."

"Well, you seem to have made your mind up on this." He answers and takes a long sip of his cold beer. "How will this affect your work?"

"I don't know. It shouldn't too much, but if the paps get hold of this, I'm ruined."

"Maybe you shouldn't tell anyone, keep it a secret. No one would have to know." Lee suggests.

"Maybe. I don't know what I'm going to do, yet. A lot of people don't like it, especially people who say they're open minded. This could cause problems with work."

"There's your answer, Jeremy." He tells his son. "If this gets out you're ruined and if it doesn't, you're safe as houses. It's for the best."

"And why should I have to lie about who I am just so it doesn't offend anyone else?"

Jeremy is up and standing, pacing angrily. He had expected this kind of reaction and had been proved right. His career would be over if his sexuality got out and before he knew it he would be working a mundane job as a store clerk. 

"Calm down, Jeremy and relax."

"How can I relax when my entire life is going up in smoke because I'm....different." He states and shakes his head. "Even you won't accept me for who I am."

"Who said I won't?"

"What?" The younger man asks, shocked."What do you mean?"

****

Every kind of scenario is swirling around in Kathleen's head and she can't even guess Lee's reaction to the news. She isn't sure what to think and hopes that Jeremy is going to be given the acceptance he needs and wants and the support to live more openly with his sexuality. She has to distract herself before she goes crazy and does some ironing, pausing every so often to check her cellphone and then realises she's left the iron on one of Jeremy's t-shirts and scorched it.

"Damn!" She grumbles and hurriedly walks into the hallway as the front door opens. "Hey, how did it go with Lee?"

"Yeah, it went better than I thought it would."

"And?" She asks eagerly as watches her husband smile.

"Dad accepted it and he wasn't mad about. He said he didn't like it and doesn't want to see it, but he can live with knowing it."

"That's terrific." She beams and kisses his cheek. "Really it is and I'm really happy that he didn't explode like he did at the party."

"Me too, but I told him that it was because of that night that I didn't want to tell him."

"And what did he say to that?" She asks curiously.

"That he can't help the way he feels and I get that, but he said he still loves me because I'm his son."

"See, I told you everything would work out and I was right." She teases and kisses his cheek and then his lips. "It wasn't as bad as you thought it would be."

"Yeah, I don't need reminded that you were right and I was wrong."

"I'm going to remind you every day of our lives whether you like it or not." Kathleen smiles. "Why don't we spend a little time together?"

"Sounds great. I'll make the popcorn and you can pick the movie, but please no chick flicks. I don't need it."

"Anything for you my dearest husband." She laughs. "And I love you too."

"Someone has to love me, right?

"And I do." She smiles, embraces him. "Every second of every day I love you more. I'm really pleased you told your dad and the rest of the family will be pleased for you too that you could share this."

"You're right and I'm surprised mom and dad haven't called everyone we know about it."

"They wouldn't do that." Kathleen reminds him gently. "And if they told anyone it would only be family, your closest family."

"I know, but I'm not sure I want this to get out just yet. There are going to be people out there who really don't like it and be offended."

"Jeremy, if people are offended by who you and don't like who you are then they aren't worth worrying about." She tells him. "You are an amazing man who has done so much, been through so much and you're constantly learning new things about yourself. How many men can say that?"

"And not many men can say they have very beautiful wives who are ridiculously supportive?"

"Not many, but you can." She teases lightly. "And I love you no matter what."

"And I love you too, mama."

****

Just a few days after Jeremy's revaluation to his parents, Valerie decided to hold a family barbecue and invited all her side of the family and her ex-husband and his family too. Valerie and Lee, despite divorcing had never been bitter or angry or even unfriendly to one another. They had become better friends than they were better spouses and left it at that, moving on with their individual lives but still catching up for old times sake. All the Renner children from both sides envied the relationship the couple have with each other, open and honest and to some extent they still cared for each other but as friends and many of their own friends never understood their married relationship or their present one, shaking their heads in amazement.

It's a gorgeous day and Valerie's yard is very busy with family and friends. Tables are lined with a generous buffet as all kinds of variations of marinated plain meats sizzle on the barbecue, the aromas mingling in the air with smoke. Everyone is helping themselves to the buffet food and waiting patiently on burgers, hot dogs and steaks, chops and chicken kebabs. The barbecue is in full swing and the alcohol is flowing generously, everyone eating and drinking and laughing. Lee notices Jeremy sort of on the outskirts of everything and has a feeling as to why, so he sneaks off inside and makes a phone call, one that would surprise everyone at the party.

Jeremy is flipping burgers and basting ribs when he feels someone tugging on the leg of his shorts, his niece Kayla is to blame and she giggles as he lifts her up into his arms.

"The grill is really hot and we don't want you getting burned." He tells her as she lays her head on his shoulder and whispers in his ear.

"I like hot dogs."

"You do?" He asks in mock surprise. "They're my favourite too, Kayla. Would you like a delicious hot dog?"

"Mhmm and ketchup!"

"And with ketchup." He laughs and puts the four year old down so he can give her the second hot dog in the last hour. "Here we go, remember it's hot so blow on so it cools down."

"I will uncle Jeremy!"

Kayla runs off and Kathleen comes up beside her husband and wraps her arm around his waist, peering through the dark sunglasses. 

"That was cute." She says with a warm smile. "Unbelievably cute, Renner. Kayla really likes spending time with you."

"Yeah, she does and I think it would be a good idea to have her over for a sleepover."

"Sounds good." She admits and then says what she's thinking without meaning to. "I can't help but wonder if Brooke would....."

"Be like her?"

"Yes." She answers quietly and looks away.

"I know, mama. I can't help but wonder what Brooke would be like too, what she would like on a sandwich and would she like the teddy bear we bought for her when we found out what we were having."

"What her favourite nursery rhymes are or cartoons, even if she would like vegetables or would she throw them at us and giggle." She answers, but strangely doesn't feel like crying at the mention of their daughter. 

"I don't think she would have liker broccoli. I used to call them baby trees when I was a kid and then mom told me they were magic baby trees and I ate every single one."

"The things parents do to make sure their kids are getting the best of everything, whether they like it or not." Kathleen smiles brightly. "We would have done the same for Brooke."

"Oh yeah, whatever it takes to make sure she gets the best out of everything."

"Listen to us." She announces, faking a laugh. "We're talking about this as if Brooke is still with us."

"She is, Katy. Right in here."

Kathleen covers Jeremy's hand with her own when he presses it against her heart. He is right in so many ways, with them forever and always, for all of eternity. Brooke would always be their gorgeous baby girl who had been taken from them too soon. 

"Jeremy, there's something I want to talk to you about." She says and waits for him to nod to go ahead. "I want us to try for another baby."


	27. Confessions From The Heart

After confessing to Jeremy about wanting to try for a baby, Kathleen had seemed to change her mind and avoided her husband. She made excuses not to be alone with him, like claiming more salad needed to be prepared and when he joined her and tried to talk to her, she changed the topic of conversation. Kathleen was making it perfectly clear that she didn't want to talk about what she had said, but Jeremy just simply couldn't forget it. The ridiculously hot afternoon had turned into a chilly evening and the party moved inside, the entire house noisy with adults laughing and the kids playing. It had been a great family day, but there's one person missing from the gathering. Jeremy is sitting at the picnic style bench with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other, goosebumps covering his entire body. He is trying to make sense of what had happened earlier and knew that if he pushed Kathleen too hard for an answer, it would push her away all together and that's the last thing he wants. The last thing he wants is for to lose Kathleen.

Kathleen watches Jeremy from the kitchen window and she can't help but feel guilty about giving him the cold shoulder and running off. He had looked at her like she was crazy and that hurt, but she decides to go out and apologise for her reaction. She grabs a cold beer from the fridge and a blanket from the sofa in the sitting room, Valerie gives a smile of approval to her daughter-in-law and watches her as she goes out into the yard. Kathleen sneaks up on Jeremy and places the blanket around his shoulders, straddling the bench and sliding the beer in front of him. 

"I thought you could have used this." She says sweerly, the buzz of alcohol flushing his cheeks. "And I wanted to say sorry for earlier."

"Don't worry about it."

"But I am worrying about it, Jeremy." She tells him and fiddles with her wedding ring. "I'm worrying because.....I forced what I wanted onto you and you might not want that."

"Who says I didn't want it?"

Kathleen watches him as he picks at the sticky label on the outside of the bottle and takes a long gulp, finishing half the bottle. She isn't sure what to say, but only how his reaction made her feel and admitting that, which will hurt him is making her feel worse about the entire situation. 

"Your face when I said it. You looked like I had just dropped a bombshell, Jeremy. Was it really that bad?" 

"Of course it wasn't." He argues and finally looks up at her for the first time since her sitting down next to him. "It was just unexpected. Sure, we talked about it but part of me thought that we never would have another baby. I thought that you said it and meant it, but you would change your mind."

"I think I did to start with, Jeremy and I'm not going to lie. When we talked about it before, I was excited for a while. Then I remembered what it was like losing Brooke. I didn't want us to go through that again. I didn't want to take the risk and really I don't think I knew fully how I felt about having another baby."

"I know, mama. I guess we've both been feeling the same way, but I want us to be honest with each other when we talk about this." He answers gently. "Earlier I didn't know If you were being serious because we've changed our minds before, saying we aren't ready."

"I shouldn't have blurted it out like that."

"I'm glad you did." He offers her a smile and lifts his arm so he can share his warmth and blanket with her. "Do you really want to try for a baby?"

"Yes, I do. I was scared of what would happen if you didn't want another baby."

"Katy, the more we talk about this the more I want a baby. I want to hold our baby, change stinky diapers and teach our baby all these wonderful things." He replies, losing himself in a day dream. "But I only want that with you, no one else. I've wanted us to try for a baby for a while, but I didn't think you wanted to."

"Sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't, but now I'm sure of what I want and I want to have a baby."

The couple hold each other in a warm embrace in the cool summer's evening and they feel for that the first time in a long time, they've reached a mutual agreement on what they want. They hadn't returned to the rest of the family and chose to sit under the stars and just talk, simple old fashioned talking. They had wanted the same thing all a long and finally they opened up about it and did something about it, but their fears of hurting the other had so far outweighed their honesty until now and while on the subject of honesty, Jeremy brings up something he had been thinking about for a while. 

"And uh....what about this....thing with Tyler?" 

"You sound kind of unsure about something." She tells him and watches him as he tears the beer label into tiny shreds. "Do you want to keep going with Tyler?" 

The actor shrugs, his mind conflicted. He knows either answer could set their relationship back and he isn't prepared to let that happen. Kathleen sees his reaction and can see how troubled he is, how bothered he is by his own uncertainty. She reaches for his hand and squeezes it. 

"You don't sound sure."

"I'm not sure about anything." He mumbles in reply.

"What aren't you sure about?" 

"About...." He starts to say and then sighs, rubbing his forehead in frustration. 

"About you and Tyler? Jeremy, there's no shame in wanting to keep experimenting. This is who you are and to be comfortable with who you are, you have to experiment with your feelings."

"And what if I lose you in the process?" He asks quickly, looking at her in his tipsy state. "Or what if someone found out and dragged everyone through the dirt?"

"Is people finding out what's worrying you?" 

He nods and his eyes grow darker and Kathleen notices the famous resting face that many of his fans love him for. She understands more than he realises how he is feeling and guides his chin towards her, to make him look at her.

"Jeremy, I love you for being you and I always will. Nothing is ever going to change how I feel about you, not a single thing." She says in reassurance and she means it with all her heart. "And your sexuality isn't going to make me change how much I love you. Actually, I love you more."

"You do?" 

"Yes, I do " She smiles back at him. "I love you more because you didn't hide from your feelings and you were honest about them. You didn't hide who you are. You should be proud of yourself, I'm proud of you. And we do need to work out what you want to do about Tyler and I'm perfectly fine if you want to keep things going. Do you want to keep things going?" 

"I think so...."

"Then you already have your answer." Kathleen smiles, shivering. "Let's get you inside and warm."

"Katy?"

"Mhmm?" she acknowledges him as she stands up, turning towards the house.

"Thank you...for being so understanding."

"I love you and I'm not going to let anything get in the way." She tells him and takes his hand. "Not anything." 

Kathleen and Jeremy had gone home shortly after their heart to heart and practiced on how to make a baby. They were both more relaxed since their talk and the harmony between them is even more balanced than it was before. The truth had to have come out sooner than later, and sooner was clearly the best option.

******

While Kathleen is at work, Jeremy and Tyler get together and had agreed that they wouldn't flaunt their relationship in front of her. She genuinely didn't have a problem with what they got up to, but they still didn't think it would be nice or fair to boast about it. When Jeremy and Tyler had their get together, Kathleen would be at work and felt much more positive and happy. She finally felt like her old self and ventured out to dinner and the movies with friends, all of them commenting on how much of a big change they were seeing to several weeks previously. Kathleen was also spending a little more time at work and felt she was making progress with her patients, actually making a significant difference for a change instead of leaving them to over analyse and over think. She had been there and always would be, returning every so often. But right now she couldn't be happier with the way things are and plenty of practice was being put in for trying for a baby.

Jeremy and Tyler had gotten together at Tyler's apartment and are drinking coffee in the kitchen after more experimenting. They both need the caffeine to focus their attentions to the one thing.

"I can't understand how Kathleen is so understanding about all of this. She's amazing."

"Yeah, she's one in a million. I don't know what I would do without her." Jeremy agrees with a smile. "A lot of men's wives wouldn't be happy if they questioned what they were."

"She's special. I'm happy that you didn't end things between us."

"She's special, extremely special. They broke the mold when they made Katy." He beams again and takes a sip of coffee. "I don't know how I'm ever going to repay her."

"And she's going to tell you that you don't need to. So, how do you feel about your family knowing?"

"I thought that my biggest problem was going to be dad, but he accepted it. Everyone else was pretty cool with it." The established actor answers. "I was worried sick when I was waiting to hear what he said."

"I don't think it's easy like they say it is in the movies. A few people I know have said that their families disowned them, you're lucky."

"I'm too damn lucky." Jeremy agrees. "I've got everything going for me and nothings going to ruin it. How do you....uh....feel about the way things are?"

The actor had been thinking about it a lot recently and was worrying about what Tyler might want and need from their relationship. He wonders if Tyler still felt that attraction or was simply helping him experiment with the same sex. He isn't sure, but decided to ask anyway.

"The way things are?" Tyler asks and finally realises what he means. "Things are good. Things are really good."

"I sometimes think that I'm just using you."

"Jeremy, I wouldn't be going a long with this if I thought that you were using me." He tells his lover and that's how he sees Jeremy. "I love what we're doing together."

"I know, but you should be out there meeting new people and living your life. You shouldn't just be stuck to me all the time."

"Are you ending things with me?" Tyler asks quietly.

"Of course not, Tyler. I really.....like you and I appreciate everything you've done for me. I appreciate it more than you know. You've helped me discover who I really am and I don't know how to repay you for that."

"I get it." Tyler raises his hands in surrender, laughing. "You aren't throwing in the towel and I'm an ass for thinking that."

"You are a big ass for thinking that."

"Nobody says you're supposed to agree with me." The younger man shoots back  
"So are you going to sit here all day or are you going to help me with my lines for this role?"

"I'll help you, sure."

****

Kathleen kicks off her heels and wiggles her toes, sighing in relief to have them off. She had been looking forward to her afternoon break all day, knowing that she only has two more patients to see before she can call it a day. So far she had listened to a whiney teenager who resented her mother for remarrying, but hated her dad for leaving them and blamed the world for her problems, then there was the married couple who were trying to work on their marriage after their string of affairs with other people and then after that there had been a wannabe politician who couldn't understand why women didn't find him attractive or like him and then finally before lunch, the woman in her fifties who dressed like a teenager and tried to live like one since her husband's death. Every so often she gets a string of patients with less than ordinary problems and they sound like something out of a comedy sketch than real life, but she remembers that these are people's real lives and respects them as so. But she still rolls her eyes behind her notebook when someone really outrageous is said.   
Kathleen feels her stomach rumble and starts her lunch break with a cup of coffee and an egg salad sandwich. She uses the time to browse the internet, check a few clothing websites and makes the odd order as a treat to herself and orders some perfume from the online perfume cave that sells everything from every day cheap fragrance to the ultra high expensive, never has she bought the latter. Bored and trying to find something to do, she types in Jeremy's name and checks the latest news. Her sandwich pauses midway to her mouth as she reads the caption under the photograph, the post created two hours ago.

"Jeremy Renner - Finally admits he is gay."


	28. Making Waves

She looks like an idiot as her mouth falls open, eyes peering into the screen. She can't believe it, she doesn't want to believe it. She doesn't understand how someone has managed to reveal this to the rest of the world and let's out a shaky breath as she clicks on some of the articles and starts reading. All of them continue with the assumptions from original rumours until it states that someone close to Renner has revealed the truth about his sexuality, a close family friend. No one except the family knew about Jeremy's sexuality and she can't help but feel her stomach knot, her gut instinct telling her that the source is one of those family members. Kathleen however doesn't understand why someone would do this, to break his trust and humiliate him so publically that people would also doubt the existence of their relationship. She combs her fingers through her hair and sighs deeply, upset and angry. She isn't sure about how she is going to tell her husband that his deepest secret is now known to everyone and decides to call Valerie for some advice. Valerie was just as upset and it was decided that Jeremy needed to know what was being said about him before someone directly confronted him, whether it be a fan or the paparazzi. Kathleen decides that she is going to make a point of bringing it up with Jeremy and even if he doesn't want to listen, she is making a point of making sure he is aware of what's going on or if he tries to walk away, she will pin him down and make him listen.

The last patient of the day had unnerved Kathleen and left her feeling undecided on what to do for the best. Her patient, Shawn Haynes had expressed a deep rooted hatred for his mother who had put him into care and then brought him home and then put him back in again, all due to his behavioural problems and his current mental condition. The young man in his mid twenties had made it clear that he hated his mother enough to kill her and boasted on how he would get away with it. He had even told Kathleen how he would kill her and that scared her. Normally when patients like Shawn expressed suicidal desires or the desire of hurting others, there are tactics that can be used to persuade the person that this warped desire is wrong. Shawn Haynes hadn't responded to those tactics and was clearly not taking his medication, but Kathleen couldn't convince a colleague at the hospital that Shawn Haynes is a severe case and needs supervision in a hospital. Her colleague brushed it off and Kathleen feels that if she doesn't act soon, then someone will die. She thinks about the plan to get her patient into supervised living and treatment, without causing a stir with the colleague that she had no time for anyway since that young woman's death six months ago. Kathleen sighs deeply and tries to push her patient to the back of her mind as she thinks about this situation with Jeremy.

Kathleen is so deep in thought that she has ignored the mountain of paperwork and hasn't even noticed that her husband is home and sitting beside her. She hadn't expected him home so soon, but then looks at the time and sees that it's almost seven. 

"Penny for your thoughts?" 

"Sorry, it's been a long day." She answers. "I was full of good intentions about getting all of these reports done and out of the way." 

"Put it away and I'll get a bottle of wine from the fridge, then you can tell me whats bothering you."

"Thanks." She says, meaning it as she tidies up the several bundles of files and lays them out in order on the coffee table. 

"This should do the trick."

"This tastes particularly better now that I don't have to sit and do all this paperwork." She admits, turning towards him. "Actually, there's something that we need to talk about, but it's not easy to talk about."

"You've hanged your mind about me and Tyler, right?"

"What? No, of course not. That isn't what we need to talk about at all, unless you want to." She answers. 

"There is something.....but it's not really important. Really, it's pretty dumb."

"It can't be that dumb if it's bothering you." Kathleen points out and squeezes his hand in reassurance. "You go first and maybe I can even help." 

"Tyler and I were talking earlier and.....he wants to take things to the uh....next level."

"And how do you feel about it?" She asks casually, feeling for him since he's clearly embarrassed. "Jeremy?"

"I don't know. I guess I never really thought about it. I didn't really think things would go this far. I'm not sure."

"Baby, I understand why you feel embarrassed and unsure about this. It's a bigger step than a lot of people realise. I had a patient once who said that the first time she slept with another girl was like losing her virginity for the first time, and thinking about it I think she was right." Kathleen recalls the conversation and remembers being told about her patients engagement to her partner. "You have to do what's right for you and if you decide that you and Tyler want to sleep together, then you have my blessing and my support."

"You really mean that, don't you?" 

"Yes, I do." She smiles at him.

"Now that we've got that out of the way, what did you want to say?" 

She sighs, wishing that she didn't have to do this and takes out printed copies of the articles from the internet and hands them to him for him to see. She can't tell how he's going to react as he reads them, slowly absorbing the words and then she sees the hurt. 

"I don't know how anyone could find out because the only people who knew, were the family."

"It doesn't matter." He huffs through gritted teeth and scrunches the paper up. "It's done. Now everyone knows."

"I know you feel like it's the end of the world right now, but it really isn't. Your sexuality isn't going to change peoples perception of you."

"Of course it does." He says impatiently. "You saw what those people wrote, not just the bloggers but the people who are fans of my movies. Now they're saying all along that I was gay and you were just a cover story."

"But the people who know you, the people who really know don't believe that. The people that wrote all that don't know any better and what they think or say shouldn't matter."

"My careers on the line here, Katy." He says sighing deeply. "I could lose everything I've ever worked for and all because someone couldn't keep their big mouth shut. I may as well throw in the towel right now and get used to bring.....shunned by everyone." 

"That isn't going to happen, Jeremy. You're an amazing person inside and out, and you're an amazing actor. That all counts for something and those gossiping idiots will find someone new to talk about tomorrow."

"I know you're trying to help, but this isn't going to go away just like that." Jeremy sighs and rubs his face with his hands. "I just wish I knew who the hell told the paparazzi because they've just destroyed my entire career and life. Any kids we have are going to be teased and bullied because of this. You're going to be made the butt of jokes and we won't be able to fix this."

"I understand what you're saying, but-"   
"I've seen this happen before, Katy." He cuts her off and looks down to the floor as he mulls something over in his mind. "We may as well just divorce and you can have a better quality of life, without all this shit going on."

"Jeremy Renner! Don't even think about that being an option for us because it isn't. Yes, we'll both be the butt of cruel jokes but those jokes are created by people who are so miserable in their own lives that they have to make everyone else just as miserable."

"Okay, so what if we have a kid and they're bullied because of who I am and what I do?" He asks.

"Then we will deal with it as a family. We will get through it together, even if you do push me away. I'm not going to allow you to throw everything away because people now know. I won't let you do this to yourself or us."

"I don't know what's going to happen for sure, Katy." He admits quietly, looking down sadly. "I just wish I knew who done this and why."

"We might never know who or why, but I do know that you're better than all of this to let it get you down. You have a wonderful and supportive family who loves you, and a wife who will go to the end of the world and back just to see you smile. I can't lose you, Jeremy."

"Hey, you aren't going to lose me and that's a promise." He says kindly. "I'm just scared of what's going to happen now that it's all out in the open, but I'm more hurt that someone that I trusted did this."

"Right now you're the biggest gossip piece, but people will forget every time there's a new scandal. And then people won't care, they'll just remember you as the actor. They're going to vaguely remember if not at all."

"I guess you're right." He sighs in defeat and squeezes her hand. "I really don't know what I would do without you."

"You would get into a panic and rum around like a headless chicken."

They both laugh and feel a little better about the situation, but it's still on both their minds that someone had betrayed them and broken their trust and that's what hurts. It hurts even more that only family knew and no one else, but someone had talked and there would always be someone willing to talk, for a price. 

Valerie and Lee had gone to see Jeremy the day after the vultures started printing about the latest Renner news and were incredibly supportive. They too couldn't understand who would leak the news to the media or break a confidence, and it had to be someone who was at the barbecue. The only people who knew, were the family and it had been one of them that had spoke to someone outside of the family. Lee and Valerie were also hurt to see some of the comments that were written on blogs, some from alleged fans who would no longer support him because of it and called him the worst things imaginable. Lee was angry and Valerie was upset, having to go out into the yard to compose herself before Jeremy saw her like that. He would just feel even more guilty if he saw her cry. Before leaving the house, Lee and Valerie hugged their son and promised him that everything would be okay and they would always be there for him regardless of what people said or thought. 

*****

Patricia Griffin has been a publicist for her company for the last twenty-five years and does her job well, an asset to the company and her clients. She had heard of the latest Renner revelation and decided to strike while the iron is hot and deal with the situation as best as she can, not to mention limit any damage. It had been a week since the news came out and Patricia had tried desperately to get Jeremy to talk to her, but he fobbed her off with excuses and then ignored her. She was mad with his attitude and eventually, he decided to talk to her. She knew he was talking to his agent and that just made her even more mad. Eventually, Jeremy agreed to finally talk to her and demanded that not only his agent be there, but also Kathleen.

 

"Well, it's finally nice to be brought in on the discussion since I had to find out all of this online." Patricia says bitterly. "So, since you've decided to ignore me for the last week, whats your plan of action Jeremy?" 

"There's no plan, Pat. I don't see why you have to get involved." 

"I'm getting involved because it's my job to help and assist your relationship with the media. If I had been called sooner or made aware of this from the start then I could have limited the damage." She tells him. "It's not every day an actor who has denied the suspicion of his sexuality suddenly comes out and says what everyone has suspected. This is big."

"This has nothing to do with those old rumours."

"It has everything to do with those old rumours, Jeremy. You denied them so strongly that your fans even doubted you, and now they know for fact that it's true." She explains. "They're going to say you've been in denial all this time, married a woman to keep up with the facade and had a child to reinforce that."

"That's bullshit! I only started questioning it when..... It doesn't even matter. The point is that things have changed from then. Things do change."

"And this makes you look like you've lied to your fans, family and friends all these years." Patricia argues.

"But I would be lying if I told them I had always known." 

"Jeremy, I don't think you realise how big this can impact your career. I'm sure your agent has already gone over this with you." She says and then sighs. "You could lose everything because of this and we need to limit the damage it's going to cause. Some of the comments and trending statuses aren't supportive or understanding, they're crude and hateful. You're already losing fans and soon even directors won't touch you because you won't bring people to the movie. You need to think about this, Jeremy. You have to decide whether you want to be an actor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think Jeremy should do?


	29. Out Of The Frying Pan

Sleep and rest wasn't finding Jeremy and his restlessness worried Kathleen. He had tried everything, reading for a bit, having a hot milky drink and taking a hot relaxing bath, even the sleeping pills weren't having an effect on him and the more he tossed and turned, the more it worried her about what was going on in his head. He had been quiet since Patricia Griffen's visit, depressed and gloomy. He hasn't eaten a thing and pushed his dinner around the plate like a troubled kid at school and no amount of coaxing was going to get Renner to open up to his wife. Heavy hearted, Jeremy goes downstairs and pours himself a brandy and sits down on the couch. He glares at the laptop with budding curiosity and signs into his email account, not at all surprised at the amount of messages he's received and doesn't make any attempt to answer them. They are all from people he knows, whether on a professional or personal basis and wonders just how many of them genuinely care about what's going on and not using the contact as a means to get the story for the media. It's happened before with other celebrities and he doesn't want another drama landing on his doorstep in the midst of this recent one, so instead he checks the forums on his official fan page. There are several threads about the latest Renner gossip and he reads through some of them and is surprised to still see loyal fans, ones who say that someone's sexuality doesn't affect their work and the only one who should have any kind of problem with the revelation is his wife. Those comments make him smile and lift him up a bit, then he sees the comments from some people who are just stirring the pot and trying to cause as much trouble as possible, none of which he really wants to read too much of. He understands how his fans feel and he knows he wouldn't be able to convince them that the rumours of his sexuality had been untrue up until recently, but tries to think of a way to try and it won't be Patricia Griffen's suggestions. Logging off, Jeremy lays down on the sofa with his hands behind his head and stares up at the ceiling as he looks for some kind of answer to fix things and ends up finally falling asleep.

She groans and then sighs deeply as the alarm sounds, forcing her eyes open as she lays back down for just a few minutes. She doesn't feel like she has the energy for a day of listening to patients and wishes she could just call into her office and rearrange the appointments, but she never would do that to them and the guilt would only eat away at her for leaving her colleagues and patients in the lurch. Kathleen reluctantly slides out of bed, eyes still closed as she bounces off every object and even goes downstairs with her eyes barely open. She is pleased to see that Jeremy has gotten some sleep, even if it is on the sofa and quietly goes into the kitchen to make coffee, very strong coffee to wake her up. As she comes more to life, she can't help but think about how she can help Jeremy. She had been angry at Patricia's plan of action and had even stormed out of the room. She had never liked the woman and last night had made Kathleen dislike her even more. She didn't want the woman in her house and especially didn't want her to have any say in anything to do with Jeremy's sexuality, but she had become almost enraged at Patricia's suggestion of telling the world that her client had been in denial all this time and the next suggestion really was the icing on the cake. In a parting shot, Griffen had suggested that Jeremy tell his fans and everyone else that he was so insecure about his sexuality that he portrayed a heterosexual lifestyle to avoid any embarrassment to himself or his family. Basically he was to tell the media that Kathleen and their baby were merely a cover story to stop any suspicion. It had made her so mad that she could have smacked the woman across the face and then throw her out by her hair, and Kathleen had never been one for violent outbursts, but for Griffen she was going to make an exception.

"Are you sure you want to go in today?"

"Jesus!" Kathleen squeals, jumping almost five feet in the air. "You scared me!"

"Sorry. I could smell coffee and guessed you were up. How did you sleep?" 

"I slept pretty well, but I was worried when I woke up and didn't find you there." She tells him as she hands him a cup of coffee. 

"Sorry, but I didn't want to wake you with tossing and turning all night. I bored myself to sleep."

"What was on your mind that was making you so restless?" She asks, already knowing the answer.

"I was thinking about what Pat said mostly, but I don't want to bore you with it."

"Hey, you aren't boring me so forget that right now. Tell me exactly what was or still is on that mind of yours." Kathleen guides him to the table and takes a sip of her coffee. "I don't hear you talking." 

"I guess I'm....undecided of what to do and what's the right thing to do. I just wish it was all over, just a bad dream."

"Do you think what Patricia suggested is the right thing to do?" She asks. "To pretend that you've known all along and put up a pretense to everyone?"

"The last thing I want to do is admit that I've lied about it all this time, especially when it isn't true. I just don't know what I'm going to do about this big fat mess. Pat's right about one thing."

"What is she supposedly right about?" She queries.

"My career is over either way and no matter what happens, no director or producer is going to touch me after this."

Kathleen reaches across the table and rests her hand on top of Jeremy's, his hand gently gripping hers. When she looks at him, she sees his worry and it doesn't matter how many reassurances she gives him, he's always going to think the worst. He's always going to look at things in a much darker way, especially with everything that has been going on regarding his sexuality and his career. Kathleen watches her husband as he stares down at the table, mulling things over and over in his own little world.

"Baby?"

"Huh?" He snaps out of it and looks up at her. "Sorry, I was miles away. I was just thinking."

"What were you thinking about?"

"I was just thinking about....what it's like going to have to collect unemployment cheques." He tells her, half kidding but also being partly serious as he forces a smile. 

"Jeremy, that isn't funny. You won't need to collect unemployment cheques because you still have your career..."

"But for how long?" He asks, cutting her off. "We don't know what's going to happen now and we can't be sure of anything."

"You're right, Jeremy. We can't be sure of anything, but you can't be sure that your acting career is going to end either. There are get and bisexual actors and actresses in the industry who are doing great."

"Name one." He says stubbornly.

"Jodie Foster. She's a tremendous actress who has is one of the most popular female leads in the world and even when the whole world found out her sexuality, they still loved her. They didn't love her for her sexuality, they loved her because of who she is."

"Don't you hate always being right all of the time?" He laughs.

"Not at all. It's a woman's prerogative to be right all the time, but I really want you to see that not everything is as black and white as Patricia Griffin makes it out to be."

"I'll give her a call tomorrow to set up a meeting, see how we can deal with this." He says with a little more optimism. "And thank you."

"For what?"

"For sticking by me, through everything and always being there. Katy, I wouldn't be who I am without you. You've made me a better person and I love you unconditionally." He tells her as he covers her hand with his again. "I love you."

"And I love you too, Jeremy. But I need you to remember that I love you for being you, just like your family love you for being you and all your fans love you for being you. Your sexuality isn't going to change any of that."

"I hope you're right." He tells her quietly. "God, I hope you're right."

 

For the rest of the day while Kathleen was at the office, Jeremy listened to some music and even went down into the basement and played some music of his own. He hadn't spent any time down there recently and as soon as he picked up his guitar, he remembered exactly how healing music really was. He scribbled down meaningful lyrics and recorded clips of the song onto the handheld recorder, only so he could remember what he had had played and what had sounded good. He wanted something meaningful and pure, something real than not only he could related to but others who heard it. For years he had been told by friends to record an album, release a record and go on a tour and every time it was suggested to him, he simply turned it down. For Jeremy, playing and creating music wasn't another income source, but a let out for all the pent up frustrations and anxieties and most importantly, he had fun doing it. He often remembers the amount of times he found himself wandering into a karaoke bar and he would feel free of all his problems. It was a drug he could get used to having and as he sets down the guitar, he can't remember why he stopped playing. He's written a reasonably good piece of music and a handful of words to go with it, but as always Kathleen would be his biggest judge and critic but he felt like keeping this song to himself for a bit longer. Jeremy is uncapping a beer when his cell rings and he sees that he has several missed calls from Tyler.

"Hi, what's so important?" 

"I've been trying to get you, but you weren't answering." Tyler says quickly, clearly worried. "I need to see you."

"Uh, sure. I'll come over in an hour and..."

"No! I need to see you now and this can't wait. There's no way it can wait." The younger man spits out. "Come over, quick."

Jeremy isn't at all sure at what's going on and can't help but be worried. Tyler had never been one for theatrics or drama, but his behaviour and urgency on the phone told the actor that something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong.

 

****

"What's wrong?" Jeremy asks as soon as he steps into the younger man's apartment. "Tyler?"

"I'm sorry, but I needed to speak to you and it couldn't wait. I just need you to know that I never meant for it to happen." 

"For what to happen?" He asks. "Tyler, you're not making any sense here. What are you sorry for?" 

"For this mess.....It's my fault."

"What do you mean it's your fault?" The actor asks and lays his hand on Tyler's shoulder. "I don't know whats got you so worked up and I don't know how I can help if you don't tell me."

"I don't want to tell you, Jeremy. I've screwed up enough and I don't want to screw up anything else."

"You haven't screwed anything up-" He tries to say and is cut off.

"I did it! Everyone knows about you because of me. It was because of me."


	30. Tipping The Scales

Jeremy had finally managed to calm Tyler down and fixed the both of them a strong drink, sitting on the sofa together. The guilt and feeling of disloyalty had gotten too much for the aspiring young actor and he had cried, begging for Jeremy's forgiveness. But he needed all the facts before he could make any kind of sense of the situation and then try and resolve it.

"I never meant for any of this to happen, Jeremy." Tyler sniffles. "You have to believe me."

"I do believe you." 

"You do?" The younger man asks. "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you or Kathleen. I never meant for it to get out."

"I know you wouldn't, but I need to know what happened so I can fix this. Who did you talk to about us?"

"A friend, Chelsea. We've known each other for years and that's the only reason I told her, as a friend." He tells his lover. "We had been drinking and were having this big heart to heart and....I wanted to tell someone. She knew I was seeing someone anyway. I told her to keep it a secret 'cause it could screw things up for both of us."

"What did she say to all this?" 

"She promised not to tell anyone. She understood why we were keeping it a secret, but was happy that I was involved with someone." Tyler recalls. "She didn't make a big deal out of it. I went over to her place and asked her if she told anyone."

"Did she tell anyone?"

"She said she told her boyfriend." He says quietly. "Who sold the story for a thousand dollars to some gossip vulture."

Jeremy sighs, rubbing his forehead and trying to think over the noise of Tyler's heartfelt apologies. He is angry that his personal life had been exploited through someone else, but he knows Tyler confided in his friend and it was her boyfriend who broke the story. Jeremy can't stand seeing Tyler so upset and pulls him into his arms, rubbing his back. 

"It's going to be okay, I promise." Jeremy says and he means it. "I don't blame you for this coming out. It was going to happen eventually, so don't worry."

"You're not mad at me?" 

"Of course I'm not mad at you, Tyler. I care about you, really care and whats happening isn't going to ruin that." The actor says. 

"Kathleen is going to go nuts when she finds out it was me..."

"No she isn't. I know her better than anyone else does and she's going to understand. You told a friend in confidence and it escalated, which isn't your fault." Jeremy presses a kiss to Tyler's forehead. "You're still my guy."

*****

"Tyler must be feeling so low." Kathleen muses as she plops a teabag into her cup. "And he's been blaming himself since the news broke?" 

"Yeah, he's in some mess and feeling guilty. He's worried about my career, your career and our marriage."

"And what about his career?" She asks. "He has one too that he's worked so hard for his big break and now it sounds like he's ready for it to disintegrate."

"He says he doesn't care about that so as long as we're okay."

"Oh god, poor Tyler." She says genuinely. "And knowing you, I bet you tried to tell him that his career is just as important and he wouldn't listen."

"Nailed it. He still thinks the media getting hold of this is his fault and is really beating himself up over it. He's more worried about what's going to happen to me."

"Tyler needs to come over and we're going to double up on him and make him listen to reason, even if I have to feed him until he can't stomach anymore, he's going to listen." She tells her husband and wraps her arms around his neck. 

"You care about him just as much as I do, don't you?"

"Of course I do and I think that while all of this is going on he should come and stay here. At least that way those vultures can't harass him." She suggests.

"That's a good idea, but it's going to get the rumour mill going even more."

"I've never been one for rumours and I like to base my opinions on facts." Kathleen says in a matter of fact tone. "Go tell him to get his things and then we'll work out the next stage of the plan."

"What plan is that?"

"The one where we are going to decide what we are going to do" She kisses her husband and smiles. "And the part of the plan where he's going to stay with us until all of this is fixed. He's never dealt with the media hounds out there and they will take full advantage." 

"Yeah, you're right on that one, mama. And we need to show him we're not mad at him either for all of this coming out."

"The only person who is going to be mad is those reporters when they find out they don't have a story." Kathleen smiles and then winks. 

 

Jeremy, Kathleen and Tyler sat and talked into the early hours or the morning and eventually came up with the perfect solution to their recent problem. All three went to bed in agreement that it was the right course of action and there would be no doubt that there would be consequences, but they knew that something had to be done. 

****

The decision was made to contact a friend who was trying to further her journalistic career, turning her dream into a reality by reporting on the story of a lifetime. Her cameraman had agreed to film the interview in his own time, as was she giving up her own time and were made to sign legal documents stating that the original recording must be shown and thankfully her boss agreed to the terms for the big exclusive. 

Jeremy and Kathleen are sitting on the sofa with the camera rolling, Tyler hiding upstairs so people don't know his identity and that way he can't be harassed or stalked. Jeremy goes on to give his official statement.

"The first thing I want people to understand is that I'm madly in love with my wife, Kathleen. The loss of our daughter broke us, mentally and physically and we didn't think we would ever recover from losing our baby." Jeremy holds Kathleen's hand as she fights back the tears. "I started to realise that something wasn't right within myself and that something was changing. I didn't know what it was and I ignored it, but it was through Kathleen that I started to understand what was going on. I realised I was attracted to a family friend and with encouragment and support from my wife, I discovered that I am bisexual. As for those rumours that have been going around for years about my sexuality, back then it wasn't true. I've been advised to lie to everyone and tell you all that I've always been bisexual, but that's untrue. I've been advised to go along with the story that getting married and having a baby was just a cover, but I can't do that. I love my wife and my daughter who is no longer with us, I love them with all my heart and discovering my attraction to someone else doesn't change that. Some people would say I'm being greedy or something, but I do love them. The whole point of this interview was to tell everyone exactly how it is, what happened and how without it being twisted. This new side to me will make me lose friends, family, fans and even acting opportunities, but deep down I know that the only thing I did wrong was be embarrassed and ashamed."


	31. And Into The Fire

In the next twelve hours since the press release, hundreds and thousands of people offered and shared their support. Fans wrote about it on social media, the amateur bloggers wrote about it and supported the announcement and others demanded that Jeremy Renner be treated as an equal regardless of his sexuality. There were also people who supported the very public announcement and asked for people to respect the actor and his family's privacy by going through the correct channels. But with every two handfuls of support, there were people who had the opposite opinions. Some fans wrote on forums and social media that they would never support another Renner movie again, insisting that he had muddied his own name by admitting to his downfall. Others agreed that he wasn't in love with his wife at all and the rumours were true from all those years ago, claiming there was no smoke without fire. Jeremy and Kathleen no longer cared what people were saying or thinking and Jeremy had already accepted that his career may be over because of what he has admitted to. No one openly spoke about the stigma of sexuality in the industry and there were several very successful actresses and actors who weren't heterosexual, but they still got a hard time behind the scenes by some people. It was down to ignorance and lack of acceptance, something every human being craved from the age of a child and into adulthood. Both Jeremy and Kathleen hoped that their lives wouldn't change any more dramatically, but that was a risk they had to take.

*****

Kathleen isn't at all impressed as she slams the door to their home. She had spent ten minutes trying to get the reporters to move from the gates to let her in and they demanded further comments on her husband's story. She told them she wasn't talking to them and wouldn't be commenting any further on the matter, and finally they let her in. She had wondered if Jeremy was home and why he hasn't come out when he realised she was stuck down at the gate. She finds him standing in the sitting room with Patricia Griffin and both of them look equally as bad tempered, but she decides to keep her thoughts to herself about the army of reporters outside. 

"Hi, what's going on?" Kathleen asks brightly, giving her husband a knowing look and decides to stay out of the conversation. "We weren't expecting you."

"I'm sure you didn't, but someone has to try and turn this mess around since the damage is already done." Patricia answers Kathleen and then turns back to Jeremy. "I really don't know why you just didn't take my advice." 

"Because taking your advice was being dishonest and I wasn't prepared to lie to everyone about what really happened. Telling the truth was the only way to make people understand." 

"And now you've got the media sitting camping outside your door because you thought you were doing the right thing." She tells him. "This whole scene could have been avoided if you had just done what I suggested, but you had to go and make yourself a martyr."

"A martyr? You think I told the truth because I wanted to be a martyr? Jesus. I wanted people to know that I wasn't lying to them all this time or that marrying Kathleen and having a kid was just a cover."

"Well, you've seen exactly how much your honest intentions have upset your fandom. They aren't happy, Jeremy and neither am I." Patricia says evenly. "Because of this announcement, you've now got everyone's attention on you and you've got yourself into trouble."

"What trouble? There is no trouble, Pat. This is who I am and if people can't accept it, then they're the ones with the damn problems." 

"The problem is that not one single producer or director is going to include you in a production." Griffin reminds the actor. "No one is going to want you in their movie."

"Because of my sexuality?" 

"Yes, because of your sexuality." The publicist agrees. "They want people who are going to turn up to the theatres and pay through the nose to see the movie, not shy away from it because the main actor has questionable morals."

"And since when did anyone's sexuality affect their job, Pat?"

"People know and that's what matters." Patricia replies evenly. "I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do to help you anymore. I just wish you had listened, Jeremy. Your career could have been great."

 

Patricia Griffen's harsh and unkind words ring loudly in Jeremy's ears and even the two scotches aren't dulling down the nagging. He pours another drink and really thinks about what his publicist and friend had said, now ex friend and ex publicist after her outburst. She had lost her temper and called Jeremy some of the worst names imaginable and even accused him of using Kathleen and his deceased daughter as a cover story to hide his sexuality. In return, Jeremy also lost his temper and told Griffin to get out and not to come back as she wasn't welcome. The actor rubs his face with his hands and sighs, deeply troubled. He hasn't expected Pat to be like that and her turning against him for his sexuality and wanting to be honest about it, simply hurt him since she was part of the team. He's already decided that if the world can't accept him for who he is, then he doesn't want to be a part of it.

Kathleen is pretty sure that her husband is planning something and neither she or Tyler can get it out of him. Since the meeting with Griffen, he hasn't been himself and has withdrawn from everyone. She is deeply worried and every kind of contact she has made has been thrown back in her face, the same going for Tyler. They understand that he is worried about his career and his life, but they are there to support him if only he would let them help. Jeremy accepting or asking for someone's help, which meant their involvement wasn't going to happen because already too many people are caught up in his drama.


	32. Two Months Later

Two Months Later

The game of cat and mouse is finally over, thanks to another celebrity being the latest scandal. The last few weeks had been difficult for everyone and they are all pleased that the worst seems to be over. Things had gotten crazy to the point where friends and family members were being harassed by the reporters and they still decided to camp outside the Renner home. Kathleen had even been followed to work and was forced to call the police to remove the two reporters from the premises and even Valerie had been harassed by them, but had also called the police and the reporter was arrested on harassment. Eventually the police were even getting sick and tired of the whole affair and made a few arrests to make a point to the group of vultures, stay and be arrested or go and don't return. All of them wisely chose to disappear and the fiasco finally became over and let the police officers get back to more pressing matters and the Renner's on with their lives. Jeremy is relieved to be out of the paparazzi's sights and can't help but feel sorry for whoever they next plan on harassing, and wishes them all the luck in the world in getting rid of them. Kathleen is also relieved to finally be able to go out to work or run errands without being followed and it was thanks to Valerie that she didn't have any convictions against her for assaulting the rude cameramen or reporters. On a few occasions while being followed or shouted at in the street she had wanted to punch them right on the nose, but her mother in-law's rational thinking stopped her. They certainly wouldn't be the first people in the world to lose their tempers with someone from the media and they wouldn't be the last either. But they could now put the experience behind them and move on.

 

A delicious brunch is underway, baby buttermilk pancakes with sweet bananas and then eggs Benedict and smoked salmon to follow, all made by Tyler. He had decided that he wanted to do something really nice for Jeremy and Kathleen, especially since they had taken him in and shielded him from being hounded. He owes them and this is the best way he can think of repaying them. As if on cue, Jeremy and Kathleen come downstairs and are still half asleep when they see their feast being plated up.

"What's all this?" She asks in wonder.

"Brunch." Tyler answers. "I wanted to thank you both for everything and everything else I suggested you two ganged up on me, so I thought this would be perfect."

"It is perfect, but unneeded." She says with a smile and presses a kiss to the younger man's cheek. "But it's very appreciated, thank you. Jeremy's going to love it too."

"Good morning." The bleary eyed actor says as he rubs his eyes and looks up at Tyler when he sees the food. "You didn't need to do this, Ty."

"Yeah, my way of saying thanks." The younger man says humbly. "I don't know what I would have done if those paps had got hold of me. I'll let you two enjoy it."

"Where do you think you're going?" Kathleen asks abruptly. "You're joining us, so sit down and I'll pour the coffee."

"It was meant for you guys, to say thanks." Tyler argues.

"Not another word." The veteran actor answers sternly. "Sit and eat."

The exquisite brunch doesn't last long between the three of them and they have all enjoyed it. They compliment Tyler's cooking as they sit with full bellies, relaxed and ready for the rest of the day. Jeremy is pouring them all some more coffee when Tyler brings up a matter that had been worrying him the last few days. He knew that he couldn't stay there forever and knows the longer he stays the harder it will be to move on. 

"You look like you've got something on your mind." Jeremy says and Kathleen voices her agreement.

"Oh, I was just thinking about something. It's not important, really."

"Has to be if it's got you uptight, Ty." The older man states. "What's up?" 

"I've just been thinking.....about this mess with the media and how you guys took me in and you didn't have to. I didn't deserve it."

"What makes you think that you don't?" Jeremy asks curiously.

"Because i'm the one who caused it to happen."

"Tyler, Jeremy told me exactly what you told him and nether of us hold you responsible for all of this getting out in the open." Kathleen interjects. "And you shouldn't be holding yourself responsible for it either."

"Your career could flat line because of this." 

"I don't care about that, Ty. Discovering who I really am is way more important than that." The older man says in reassurance, meaning every word for it. "If my career goes downhill, then that's what happens. It could have happened anyway. Don't worry about it."

"He's right, Tyler." She says. "And there are a lot of very influencial people out there that would make those in the industry think twice about not involving someone in a production because of their sexuality."

Jeremy and Tyler share a look between them, suddenly aware that Kathleen knows something and they don't. She winks at them, telling them to trust her and then goes upstairs to get showered and dressed, leaving the two of them just as confused as each other. 

Jeremy grows concerned when he finds the bathroom door locked. It's unlike Kathleen to lock it and it worries him. He listens closely for any sign of movement or noise, but there's none. He knocks and waits. 

"Katy, you okay in there?"

"Yes, I'm fine." She calls out from behind the door. "Give me a minute."

He waits until the door is opened, Kathleen standing there and her expression unreadable.

"What's wrong?" He asks, noticing that she has something behind her back. "Katy?" 

"There's something you should see."

"What?" He asks as he takes the item from behind her back and looks down at it. "You're pregnant?" 

"Yes, I'm pregnant."

"Oh my god!" He exclaims excitedly and spins her around. "We're having a baby. We're really having a baby. Wait, how long have you known?" 

"I've been sure for seven weeks, but I just wanted to make absolutely sure. And I am sure."

"I can't wait to tell everyone." He beams. "Mrs Walsh, you've made me one very happy old man."

"You are an old man, but it's great to see you so happy." 

"I love you, Katy. I love you so much." Jeremy says as he kisses her. 

 

Tyler had expected to be pushed out after his lover was told he was going to be a father. He expected to be rejected and dismissed, but Jeremy and Kathleen made sure that Tyler was made to feel welcome. A lot of people would frown upon the setup if they knew, but Kathleen told the budding young actor that no one has the right to sit in judgement of them. And very soon he found out exactly what Kathleen could do to those who interfered in their lives. Jeremy had been offered a few more acting roles and he had been given all three of them, but the fourth audition hadn't gone as planned. He had been set up by one of the most powerful producer's and director's in the industry, and shamed into leaving after crude remarks and homophobic jokes. Kathleen had gone to work the next day and Jeremy got a call from a producer while Tyler sat with him, the offer of a life time handed to him on a silver plate. Tyler knew that Kathleen had something to do with it and the producer who had been so vulgar, was suddenly dismissed from his line of work by the industry, but Tyler couldn't prove it. The only thing Kathleen said was that she also had friends in high places, including members of the creative arts industry board who supported directors, producers and actors. A point had been made and Jeremy's career was highlighted as being safe from anyone else. 

 

In the following weeks and months, Tyler was offered his first big movie role on his own merit. He was so excited and practiced with Jeremy, picking up tips and pointers. Tyler then jetted off to the other side of the country to film the movie, while Jeremy and Kathleen spent some time alone together. They decorated the nursery after finding out they were having a boy and discussed names, but as Kathleen's due date approached, Jeremy was sent out into a location to film his next biggest role. 

******

"I wish I didn't have to leave so soon, Katy. It feels like I just got back from the other one and here I am jetting off again."

"Jeremy, I understand and we still have another two weeks until I'm due." She tells him with a smile. "The whole point of having you out there now is that the scenes in Africa will already be done by the time Austin is here, so will you and you've got a few months until Jackson is going to start filming again." 

"I guess you're right, mama. Jackson's been great by getting those scenes done, then some time off once he's born. But I don't know how long it's going to take until the movie is done."

"Jackson said that once you arrive back, the only scenes that needs to be done is the rest of yours." She reminds Jeremy. "He's actually postponing his movie so you can be here with me and Austin. Not many people would do that." 

"Don't you hate always being right all the time?"

"Not once." She giggles. "Actually, I would say it's a talent." 

"Yeah, you would say that. How are you feeling now?" 

"My back is killing me, my ankles and feet are swollen and Austin likes to use my bladder as a football." She laughs as she recites the punishments of pregnancy and holds his hand over her stomach. "But it's worth every second. When do you have to leave?" 

"Friday. Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"Stop fussing, Jeremy. I'll have your mom here and Tyler to look after me." Kathleen replies. 

"When was the last time I told you that I loved you?" 

"Ten minutes ago." She grins as his lips cover hers. "And for the record, Renner. I love you too."


End file.
